Fleischmann's Yeast - Kids are bastards.

"Hey there, Pimply Face!" Shouts a gang of schoolmates, led by Mickey Rooney. It's just one chapter in the age-old heritage of Taunting Poetry, wielded by history's greatest engine of incisive wordplay, asshole schoolkids in the cartoon world of advertising.

In the season 5 episode of The Simpsons, "The Last Temptation of Homer", for one reason and another, Bart has to get orthopedic shoes and huge glasses. Sherri and Terri shout "Nice glasses, four-eyes!" Not to be outdone, Nelson Muntz adds "Yeah! Nice shoes... uuh... two-feet." Even Nelson is cleverer than The Mickster and his little gang of lads, who only have enough skill points allocated to their "poetry and brinksmanship" ability category to come up with "Hey there, Pimply face!" This is well for Pimply Face, since, as any kid will tell you, being cleverly mocked stings far worse than the ridicule of a mediocre mind.

Only a few minutes after the confrontation do you think of a real good zinger. Isn't it always thta way? "Never saw so many pimples on one 'map'." Oooo, if only he had thought to hit old Map face with that one a few minutes ago! Next time for sure!

How things change! Only a couple of weeks eating yeast pucks, and Tom's map pimples have cleared up to the point that Mickey now wants to have sex with him! Good for them!
It's a well-known fact that Advertising is not above using paranoia and shame to sell products in the same way that the sea is not above the clouds, as Douglas Adams would put it. Far from it. Making you scared of other people is a well-worn arrow in the quiver of marketing's geniuses, and acne is a pretty good fear button to push with that ever-pointy arrow.

But "yeast cakes"? Double-you tee eff are yeast cakes? Well, most references to the idea of eating yeast to fight acne date back to 1920 or so. Apparently, brewer's yeast had some antibacterial properties, and if you ate a "cake" of the stuff with every meal, people thought it would help. This Fleischmann's ad is careful not to offer any real science, only mentioning "waste poisons" in the blood. Brewer's yeast is said to smell really bad, and taste even worse, so this may have something to do with it falling out of favor in the acne battle.

But enough of that. Check out Mickey Rooney and his gang of sociopaths! Yes, every human springs into the world a mean little jerk, and only through decades of careful guidance may they be cajoled out of a life of total bastardness. School kids are bastards, and school kids in the stereotype-heavy land of advertising are evil bastards. Let's put this little troop of evil bastards to good use! get your rude finger ready to right click these little bastards onto your hard drive's digital reform school in three, two, one, RIGHTCLICKNOW!

You can print them out and use them to decorate your kids' school pictures, or to highlight that one special item on the grocery list! Anything that needs mocking, these evil bastards are ready to do your dirty work for you. You're welcome!


Jack_Dayton_72 said...

Eat three cakes per day? I have only been eating two!

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

Just two? That's probably why you're still being followed by that one last jeering boy. To rid yourself of all bastard kids, you need to take the full daily dose of yeast. And don't skip a day or some more will come back and resume their ribbing. Glad to help!


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