Esquire Holiday Buying Guide, 1959

Holiday shoppers, I bet you're stuck for an idea what to shop for your friends and family this Pointy Tree Day. Well, don't worry, because the December 1959 issue of Esquire (the journal of the great American douchebag, as you know), can tell you what to shop. Shop these things! Holiday complete!

This is a toilet. A cup that you dump in. Or possibly just pee. It's got a fur rim. As for how you clean it, or keep from catching dysentery from it when it's been used more than none times, you'll have to ask Lincoln Products. 

You're probably one of those guys who's identity and confidence is completely wrapped up in
his "Guns", right? You know, like that guy on the chopper show that looks like a walrus? The guy who tears the sleeves off of every garment he owns for fear that someone may not know he's got huge arms? Yeah, we could tell. You know how your bath robe is so confining that you can hardly sip your coffee or throw a table at your son without discomfort? You poor thing. Well, this robe has no sleeves. Also, it's got side vents, so everyone can also tell you've got huge sides, apparently.

There's nothing a lady loves more than a gift that implies that her
hands look like a lumberjack's. Buy her this finger dremel tool
and you'll get all the rewards you deserve.

Give the gift of music! Or, give the gift of this thing! Let's see... $39.95 in 1959 dollars adjusted for inflation equals, uuh, carry the one, and that comes out to...

Ho-lee shit.


Michelle_Randy said...

A finger dremel! What could possibly go wrong!
Boombasstic? That's what you buy your least favorite sibling's children for Xmas.

lrf said...

"58 inches of unimaginably gay musical rhythm"

Pretty sure Little Richard is taller than that.

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