Little Ads - Wonders of our future today, this afternoon.

New Melton Pocket Movie Viewer allows enjoyment of prurient movies anywhere. Bystanders need never know you're doing something illicit, unless betrayed by sneaky grin on face. Audio not supported. Manufacturer suggests falsetto voice muttering sweet nothings to yourself, as inspiration.

Inflatable cornice resembles thick tufted material. Only requires re-inflation every 72 hours. Doubles as flotation device in case of total house submersion. Can be filled with helium to ease load on unstable foundations.

German floating motor propels swimmer, or "shvimmer". Motor unit floats on surface of water or "vasser". Air for motor is drawn through a T-shaped snorkel, or "shnitzel". Eliminates need for inflatable cornice flotation devices, advertised above. Can aid in rescue of swimmers drowning in shallow water, within twelve feet of device. Footage of girl also available as 8mm film for use in Melton Prurient Pocket Movie Viewer, advertised above

Survival Ration Lasts Six Days. Can store food and drink for six days, eliminating the need for emptying coffee cans and painting with special enamel. Ideal for those who enjoy putting small cans inside larger cans, and then removing them. Moustache included.

Old Gold - Overposed.

Here we see Old Gold cigarettes being pushed as "safer" than other cigarettes. This is like getting crushed by the smallest piano in town. But we're not going to poke fun at the ridiculous claims of cigarette companies (although I will point out that back in 1952, the truth in advertising laws were even more useless than they are now, and Old Gold was not required to even mention what study supported their bullshit claims). Nope. Today we're taking the high road and making fun of the overposed model.

Presumably, this super dramatic picture is meant to resemble the "you may now kiss the bride" part of a wedding. Your heart is supposed to melt, imagining what it would be like to kiss this lovely woman who has just dedicated her life to you, whose mouth smells like a trash fire.

Think of all you'd have to look forward to, waking up as her husband on a fresh September day, with the trees just turning orange, smelling her first smoke of the day drifting up the stairs from the living room, soaking it's reek into the carpet and all your clothes. Maybe you'd make some toast, listening to her hack up a half pound of phlegm into the bathroom sink while just starting in on her second smoke of the day. At least you'd have lots of time together in a few decades, while trying to figure out how you'd pay for her lung surgery, which would buy her a few more years, ultimately leaving you with crippling debt after her early funeral and futile cancer treatments. If things go well, maybe only one of your kids would have diminished lung capacity and asthma.

There's just one thing to make her picture prettier...

 Aah. There we go. A lifetime of pleasure.

Johnathan, Doreen, and the Radio... Some captions.

Joke #1: Johnathan, you're being rude. You should look at the radio when it's talking to you.

Joke #2: Johnathan, this has been a long time coming. I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the RCA radio console with me. You just can't compete, John. It has a hand-rubbed mahogany cabinet, a Vita-Tone speaker... and have you seen the size of the record changing arm?

Joke #3:
Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Before we get on with tonight's program, I have this special announcement from a very special listener: "Dear Johnathan, I'm leaving you for Bill Vrabden , the radio announcer. Best wishes, Doreen." Well, I'd like to thank lovely listener Doreen for that announcement. I guess we're official now, baby! Tonight we feature music from great breakup scenes in movie history, hand-picked by me, Bill Vrabden, radio announcer.

Joke #4: Johnathan, this is so hard to say. I've... I've been seeing another man. His name is Sal Glondrik, and we met at the circus. Here, let me get him out of his storage cabinet so he can confront you.

Joke #5: Johnathan, you and I have been drifting apart for some time now, and I'm leaving you. I don't know how to put it in words, but I've always been able to express myself best through the art of tap dance. Here, let me put the music on...


HEY! A BONUS JOKE!...

Rejected Trojan condom ad number  412.

MGA - Now you're talking.

The Labor Day weekend car posts continue today with this ad for an MGA. By contrast to yesterday's barge, the MGA was positively tiny.

It wasn't as quick as the '58 Impala (18 pounds per horsepower compared with the Chevy's 11lbs per hp), but I'd imagine it was quicker through the bends, if that's what you're into. I am, thanks. It's the polar opposite of the "more is more" Chevy. Plus, they brag about their gearbox, instead of luxury and cushiness. And hey! No tail fins! Bonus!

Sadly, like most British cars, it had serious reliability problems. Ah well, I didn't say I wanted to own one. I just want to look at one, and perhaps have a ride in one.

I'm not sure why they felt the need to show a shifting diagram in the ad. You'd think that would belong in the owner's manual. But, maybe they were trying to emphasize the car's fun-to-drive performance? 108 horsepower in a light car (1988 pounds compared to the Chevy's 3500) with a 94-inch wheelbase (that's pretty short) sounds fun to me.

1958 Chevy - Road party.

For the holiday weekend, I'll be posting car ads. Labor day is a big travel weekend, and all the "infrequent drivers" will be on the roads, sliding around and waving one arm in panic while talking on their phone with the other. "I'm having a car accident. What are you doing today? Oh, that sounds fun! Hang on, I have to over-correct my swerve and skid into a gas truck..." Dicking around while driving is a huge part of American history. It's our birthright. In this ad for a "1958 Chevrolet", Annette Bening and Dean Jones are whooping it up in their new car with their son, Popeye Doyle, and they're looking anywhere but where they're going. I love sharing the road with people like this.

It's pink. If it belongs to the man, I suspect they're "just friends".

The ad copy is a little weird. They keep talking about "your new Chevrolet", even though the car is clearly a Cadillac, which is a specific Chevy model.. A quick web check shows that Chevy did indeed have several models in 1958, although there was indeed a time when car manufacturers only made one model each. The ad brags about some specific features, which makes it sound like they only make one model. If I were a fan of American cars, I may be able to explain this, but I don't care too much. I do enjoy the way the marketing douchebags named the motor a "Turbo-Thrust V8" even though no turbocharger was available. Aah, branding specialists. They've always been idiots.

Notice the total lack of seat belts in the picture. Seat belts weren't required by law to be standard equipment on American vehicles until 1959, and use of seat belts by children under 14 wasn't made law until 1989. Little Billy sure loves his airplane. He must have dreams of soaring through the air like Superman. If dad doesn't get his shit together and pay attention, Billy may get his wish.

It's a nice painting, though. The P.A.G. Image Forensics and Zoom Tool Department indicates that the signature is hard to read. Possible artist name matches are Augle Bingle, or possibly Gucli  Brugie. I didn't know either of those artists were active in America in 1958... or existed.

UPDATE: Duh. Cadillac is a GM brand, not a Chevy. But, you've got to admit, the badge on the hood of the car in the ad looks an awful lot like the Cadillac logo. In any case, this still doesn't make clear the reason the ad is only promoting the "1958 Chevrolet" when it sure looks to me like an Impala. You just don't see car ads now promoting a car brand. It's always a specific model. But, like I say, ancient American cars don't do much for me, and it's hard for me to tell them apart. Meh.

Advancements in Science

The following scientific advancements are reproduced from the May 1952  issue of Popular Mechanics magazine verbatim. No, YOU shut up.

Self-Powered Blow Dryer Americans may now dry their hair without costly electrical consumption. The bag is fitted over the scalp and hose is inserted in the mouth. To avoid "food smell in the hair", manufacturer recommends drinking Vitalis. Manufacturer of Vitalis recommends not drinking Vitalis. Also effective on those with good posture.

First Artificial Heart Researchers at Cornell have developed the first artificial heart. It only requires a three-man team to operate. Based on a Cummins diesel ship engine block, the "Joy" artificial heart can keep a rabbit alive for up to three hours, and is small enough to be implanted in a sperm whale.

Baby Coaster  A wet baby no longer leaves a ring on a coffee table, moistening pretzels or other snacks. Inflatable baby coaster keeps urine and other liquids neatly pooled under the child, keeping the coffee table clean and sanitary. Larger model available for obese babies.

Automatic Dish-Washer Dishes, plates, cutlery and pepper shakers may now be cleaned more quickly and efficiently thanks to new automatic dish-washer. Dishes are first scraped, moistened, and wiped with a cloth, then brought up to a temperature of one hundred degrees over a boiling tea kettle. Then, dish-washer takes over. Dishes are placed in the hopper for cleaning. One hour later, they may be removed and placed on a drying rack for re-use. Chlorine refills are available from manufacturer. Plate fragments are easily removed from the rubble bin at the bottom of the machine. Price yet to be determined pending annual accounting assessments. Target price is $75,000.

Sportliegh Coats - Not worthy.

Even back in 1949, it was pretty brave for a company to let their product be represented as a charcoal drawing. Maybe there'd be a drawing thrown in as a "lifestyle example", but manufacturers like for their stuff to be seen in photo-real color - usually a painting. They want to see detail and realism.

This ad for Sportleigh coats lets the sketch do the talking for the whole ad. It's a "soft sell" approach that surprises me with its class and taste. These are not things I've come to expect from the ad business.

I presume Sportleigh was a pretty high-end garment maker, judging by their presence in Holiday magazine: the journal of the idle, moneyed elite. They're definitely taking the high road in this ad.

There's some gorgeous work here. The most obvious instinct of a freshman art student learning to draw is to make a drawing indistinguishable from a black and white photograph. Absolute realism. Any mistakes made are made by trying too hard. As an artist matures and grows less ashamed of his or her media (you know - pencil, oils, pastels, etc.) the priority shifts from mirroring reality to actually being artistic. This drawing demonstrates that the work can look like a drawing while simultaneously being faithful and flattering to the subject matter.

The looseness and restraint of the strokes make it seem easy and effortless, but the depth and liveliness of the drawing betray the artists considerable skill. In some areas, of the drawing, the artist has done hardly and work at all, but instead of looking unfinished, it comes off as deft and relaxed. This is an absolute pro at the top of their game.

I'd never heard of Sportleigh before, so just out of curiosity, I did a quick search to find any remaining traces of the company. I've been surprised in the past to find a company still alive and well. Google "sportleigh" and the first link you'll find takes you to  an English site selling what I'm going to call "mom pants". The images there are just catalog pictures, but the contrast between this ad's artistry and the product shots are hilarious.

This pictures lacks a certain elegance found in the old ads.

As usual, it wasn't hard to find more examples of vintage Sportleigh ads being sold as single pages on the web. Some dick is trying to sell a similar ad for ten dollars. I bought the whole magazine for five. I guess if I someday decide to savage my collection of old magazines, I can cut them up and sell off the pictures for ten bucks a page, plus shipping. Everybody needs a backup plan, I guess.

If you buy a copy of The Salmon of Doubt, you'll find all sorts of clever quotes from Douglas Adams' articles for technology magazines and various talks and speeches. In the section where he's talking about trying to make an interactive adventure game called Starship Titanic, he makes a fairly amazing observation on the subject of art, or rather Art with a capital A. I'm going from memory here, but he basically says that most the great art we hold in reverence from periods like the renaissance were just works for hire. DaVinci didn't sit down and say to himself "This morning, I shall create art that future civilizations will marvel at, and then I think I'll have some toast." Most of the time, he was designing something in exchange for money, or making notes on dissections for his own education. Michelangelo painted the Sistine chapel as a professional artist, not as a visionary. We have this image of artists sitting in a tower, trying to create historical treasures and it just isn't true. They were the commercial artists of their day, trying to earn a living using their strongest marketable skill. The Beatles weren't aiming to be the greatest band in history. They were trying to make the best songs they could... just being craftsmen. There's a difference there that I think is really important. The artist who talks about "my vision" or introduces himself as "an arteest" is a pretentious wanker who needs to be avoided, and probably punched.

People seem to lament that there are no great works being created now, that the days of artistic greatness are behind us, but they're looking for oil paintings or frescoes, and that's all old world stuff. If I try to think of inspired works of art that will be remembered in history, I think of Grand Theft Auto 3, and the Honda Asimo. Artists do their best work when they're being paid and have a goal, not when they're sitting in a meadow thinking of their place in history.