11/10/16
Old Gold - Just make it stop.
Dad used to relax with a cigarette. In fact, he probably relaxed maybe twenty-five times per day. What this Old Gold ad is ignoring is how un-relaxing his relaxation may be for anyone else in the house who doesn't enjoy the smell.
When dad would light up (which was more often than the times in which he wasn't lighting up), I'd shut my bedroom door and stuff a t-shirt in the gap underneath it, in a pathetic and futile attempt to keep the stink out of my room. The sitnk seemed even more intense on a bright saturday morning when it was the first sensation to wake me up, instead of, say, the smell of eggs and toast. Good times.
So, in this ad, the boy is practicing his violin in the family room? Couldn't he go practice in his bedroom? Or, maybe he's putting on a little recital for his dad? Or, maybe this family lives in a single-room yurt? That was big among LIFE's readership in 1945, right? Lots of middle-American yurtdwellers? Too many unanswered questions, man.
Anyway, you may, in the last few days, just want this shit to stop. Changing the profile pic on your FaceTube account isn't going to make that happen, but sometimes nothing will. Not in the near term, at least. But it may give your friends a laugh, though.
Maybe you identify with the boy, whose early attempts at music went unappreciated by your parents? Hey, at least they rented him the violin, right? That's not nothing.
And there's mom, too. She doesn't have a strong role in this little tableau, probably because this is 1945. (Well, the ad is from 1945. This is not currently the year 1945. We still live in The Future, but this shit is just getting started, so you never know.) But whatever. Here's the tolerant and dutiful mom and wife who, for some reason, loves both of these narcissistic jerks.
Have a smoke. Do whatever gets you through the night. It's alright. It's alright.
So, in this ad, the boy is practicing his violin in the family room? Couldn't he go practice in his bedroom? Or, maybe he's putting on a little recital for his dad? Or, maybe this family lives in a single-room yurt? That was big among LIFE's readership in 1945, right? Lots of middle-American yurtdwellers? Too many unanswered questions, man.
Anyway, you may, in the last few days, just want this shit to stop. Changing the profile pic on your FaceTube account isn't going to make that happen, but sometimes nothing will. Not in the near term, at least. But it may give your friends a laugh, though.
 |
| Click for 1000 px. |
Maybe you identify with the boy, whose early attempts at music went unappreciated by your parents? Hey, at least they rented him the violin, right? That's not nothing.
 |
| Click for 1000 px. |
And there's mom, too. She doesn't have a strong role in this little tableau, probably because this is 1945. (Well, the ad is from 1945. This is not currently the year 1945. We still live in The Future, but this shit is just getting started, so you never know.) But whatever. Here's the tolerant and dutiful mom and wife who, for some reason, loves both of these narcissistic jerks.
 |
| Click for 1000 px. |
11/9/16
2016 Pointy Tree Day Card Get!
You know how every year Exmess is a bigger and more expensive pain in the butt? Yeah, tell me about it. This year, make it a bigger and more expensive pain in the butt, but also have our free Pointy Tree Day card!
They're free, but we do need a mail box to send it to. Just email an address to PhilAreGo@gmail.com. Yeah, I know. You've got trust issues, and you're not too sure about giving us your (or anyone's) address. Take those trust issues and hand them to our Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q.! Then tell those issues to stick it where the sun don't shine!
Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q. (Fervently Aggravated Query).
Q: "How the hell can I get my copy of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?
A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"
A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com
Q: No way am I sending you my address! You'll stalk me!
A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.
Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get a couple of those?
A: Yeah, we have some of those. We'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more. Gotta ask nicely, though!
Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?
A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts. All you have to do is live forever to prove it.
Q: Will the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always be a cigarette ad? No really, what's your problem?
A. Nope. We seem to have used those up. If we find another couple or few, we'll be sure to put them in the "maybe" pile for next year. Also, shut up.
Q: Why do I want one of your stupid holiday cards?
A: Good question. I dunno. Because they're free and possibly funny?
Q: Why no jokey post today? Just this card announcement?
A: We're busy making sure tomorrow's post is a real horn-honker. (Note to self: Remind interns to make tomorrow's post a real horn-honker. Better call in to the office from the frisbee golf course to check on their progress. Have the Motivation and Shame Supervisor crack the whip a little on the interns.)
Q: Is the card going to be funny?
A: Hopefully. Especially if you make a little puppet out of it and make it tell jokes.*
Q: Can I get more than one card?
A: Maybe? Can't hurt to ask. It can hurt to ask for a stack of 100.
Q: Can I send Phil Are GO! a card?
A: Why? We'll have loads of them, since we'll be getting them printed up.
Q: Will this year's card contain any "post-consumer content"?
A: Eew. No. Sicko.
A: Oh! You mean recycled paper? Hell no. That cheap grey paper we used to practice handwriting on in third grade was made from recycled paper, and it was terrible for writing on and erasing on. Recycled paper makes terrible paper. No wonder people just keep recycling it.
*Jokes told with a Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card Puppet are the responsibility of the Pointy Tree Day Card recipient and the Pointy Tree Day Card puppeteer. Phil Are GO! denies responsibility for any content recited by the Pointy Tree Day Card Puppet.
They're free, but we do need a mail box to send it to. Just email an address to PhilAreGo@gmail.com. Yeah, I know. You've got trust issues, and you're not too sure about giving us your (or anyone's) address. Take those trust issues and hand them to our Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q.! Then tell those issues to stick it where the sun don't shine!
Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q. (Fervently Aggravated Query).
Q: "How the hell can I get my copy of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?
A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"
A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com
Q: No way am I sending you my address! You'll stalk me!
A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.
Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get a couple of those?
A: Yeah, we have some of those. We'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more. Gotta ask nicely, though!
Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?
A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts. All you have to do is live forever to prove it.
Q: Will the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always be a cigarette ad? No really, what's your problem?
A. Nope. We seem to have used those up. If we find another couple or few, we'll be sure to put them in the "maybe" pile for next year. Also, shut up.
Q: Why do I want one of your stupid holiday cards?
A: Good question. I dunno. Because they're free and possibly funny?
Q: Why no jokey post today? Just this card announcement?
A: We're busy making sure tomorrow's post is a real horn-honker. (Note to self: Remind interns to make tomorrow's post a real horn-honker. Better call in to the office from the frisbee golf course to check on their progress. Have the Motivation and Shame Supervisor crack the whip a little on the interns.)
Q: Is the card going to be funny?
A: Hopefully. Especially if you make a little puppet out of it and make it tell jokes.*
Q: Can I get more than one card?
A: Maybe? Can't hurt to ask. It can hurt to ask for a stack of 100.
Q: Can I send Phil Are GO! a card?
A: Why? We'll have loads of them, since we'll be getting them printed up.
Q: Will this year's card contain any "post-consumer content"?
A: Eew. No. Sicko.
A: Oh! You mean recycled paper? Hell no. That cheap grey paper we used to practice handwriting on in third grade was made from recycled paper, and it was terrible for writing on and erasing on. Recycled paper makes terrible paper. No wonder people just keep recycling it.
11/4/16
Life Magazine, Sept 4, 1950 - A couple of avatars.
Aren't you tired your face? Sure! We all do! Fix your virtual identity with these stupid avatars and / or profile pictures from the Sept 4th, 1950 issue of LIFE Magazine!
First, there's this Vitalis ad, featuring a Handsome White Man so wooden and generic, he could be a Gerry Anderson puppet. Now that's F.A.B.!
Then there's the female appreciant, without whom we wouldn't understand how indescribably desirable is a man with well-varnished hair. She's super into whatever you place next to her, once we pop her out of her natural context. Now, she's completely promiscuous with her positivity! Just how we like 'em.
Next up, we have a promotional shot of Marie Wilson as Lady Teazle, from (apparently) some kind of play called The School for Scandal. Here, she's looking a lot like Shelley Duvall as Panzy from Time Bandits, which is a piece of culture that I did not have to look up using Google.
Last, we have a group of random Russian people from a cold-war-era profile on patriotism in the Soviet Union. The article seems to be an unbiased and even-handed exploration of Russian pride, but the people they chose to use as examples of "everyday Russians" seem a wee bit propagandist, if you get my meaning.
Anyway, the babushka lady looks like she knows her way around a potato pancake, and she can whip some up while sitting on top of your online profile, why not?
The shepherd guy was way ahead of the curve. Cowboy Bebop wouldn't exist for another 48 years, but he's rocking the Spike Spiegel hair like he invented it. That's some good cosplay, Russia!
First, there's this Vitalis ad, featuring a Handsome White Man so wooden and generic, he could be a Gerry Anderson puppet. Now that's F.A.B.!
Then there's the female appreciant, without whom we wouldn't understand how indescribably desirable is a man with well-varnished hair. She's super into whatever you place next to her, once we pop her out of her natural context. Now, she's completely promiscuous with her positivity! Just how we like 'em.
 |
| Her spank bank's just been filled. |
 |
| See? "Oh, Panzy! The problem! The problem!!!" |
Last, we have a group of random Russian people from a cold-war-era profile on patriotism in the Soviet Union. The article seems to be an unbiased and even-handed exploration of Russian pride, but the people they chose to use as examples of "everyday Russians" seem a wee bit propagandist, if you get my meaning.
Anyway, the babushka lady looks like she knows her way around a potato pancake, and she can whip some up while sitting on top of your online profile, why not?
The shepherd guy was way ahead of the curve. Cowboy Bebop wouldn't exist for another 48 years, but he's rocking the Spike Spiegel hair like he invented it. That's some good cosplay, Russia!
11/2/16
Sweden House Smorgasbord - Gone, but not digested.
Who's up for a Swedish buffet? Yes, please. Is it cage-free, free-range, non GMO, and vegan/veggie/lacto-ovo? Shut up. It's a Swedish Smorgasbord. Enjoy a plate of dust and twigs at home.
In countries where it gets Properly Cold, the food indicates to what degree the people who lived there were worried about making it through winter. You didn't spend a day re-thatching the roof of your a-frame, hoping the snow didn't fall through and cover your family, and then enjoy a light salad before curling into a ball under several animal skins in the hope that you'd wake up in the morning. Smorgasbord, baby! For, on the morrow, we ice fish.
Sweden House sounds terrific. Not so much because of the photos on the post card. They're yellowed and showcase the furniture and steam tables more than the food itself. About all you can make out clearly, in terms of food, is the huge Brontosaurus roast in the lower left. But that's enough. Where there's stainless chafing dishes, there's Viking food. Where there's doilies on funny stands, there's desserts of many kinds, also with many vees in the names.
So what's there now? Bleh.
At the former Elgin location of Sweden House, you can find a Great Clips and a Post Mart, and someone called Sally.
Okay, but what about the Fort Lauderdale Sweden House? It's now some kind of thing called "Olive Garden".
The post card doesn't give an address for the Naperville location, but the P.A.G. Research and Googling Brigade can find it, if it exists.
Aww, nertz. But wait! What's this? "Swedish Massage"? Hmm. Perhaps I need to personally lead an away team to investigate the disappearance of Sweden House at Heavenly Swedish Massage. First question: I'll ask something suggestive about their dumplings, huh huh huh.
Sweden House sounds terrific. Not so much because of the photos on the post card. They're yellowed and showcase the furniture and steam tables more than the food itself. About all you can make out clearly, in terms of food, is the huge Brontosaurus roast in the lower left. But that's enough. Where there's stainless chafing dishes, there's Viking food. Where there's doilies on funny stands, there's desserts of many kinds, also with many vees in the names.
So what's there now? Bleh.
At the former Elgin location of Sweden House, you can find a Great Clips and a Post Mart, and someone called Sally.
Okay, but what about the Fort Lauderdale Sweden House? It's now some kind of thing called "Olive Garden".
The post card doesn't give an address for the Naperville location, but the P.A.G. Research and Googling Brigade can find it, if it exists.
Aww, nertz. But wait! What's this? "Swedish Massage"? Hmm. Perhaps I need to personally lead an away team to investigate the disappearance of Sweden House at Heavenly Swedish Massage. First question: I'll ask something suggestive about their dumplings, huh huh huh.
11/1/16
Mobot
Joke #1 - "ARE-YOU-WORKING-LATE-AGAIN?... COME-BACK-TO-BED-DARLING."
Joke #2 - The Jet Propulsion Laboratory, in late testing stages of its Remote Unmanned Jet Propulsion Laboratory Exploration Rover.
Joke #3 - At just 1,750 pounds and 1.2 million dollars, the Mur-Dor Semi-Autonomous Liquidation Unit finally brought simple, low-cost, and stealthy scientist strangulation to the masses.
Joke #4 -
10 interpolate current X, Y coordinates to [STAN COORDINATES] at .005% velocity
20 extend manipulation pincers
30 if [STAN] = [ALERT] then goto 80
40 if [STAN] = [BUSY] then goto 50
50 execute [STRANGLE STAN] subroutine
60 interpolate current X,Y coordinates to [MEXICO] at 100% velocity
70 let unit i.d. = [PEDRO] until heat dies down
80 pretend to be fixing hair
Joke #5 comes to us from Jeremy. Always grateful for a Jeremy Jape! Thanks, Jeremy!- WHY... GIVE... A ROBOT... EXPRESSIVE... HAND GESTURES... IF... YOU'RE... NOT GOING TO... FUCKING... TURN AROUND... WHEN... I... AM... TALKING... IS ALL...
We got a verbose Joke #6 from Mr. FancyGlenOrGlendaPants_2! Thanks, MFGOGP! Joke #6 - Military Hair Technician Sgt. Rick Hunts Sr. pictured testing the "Barb-O-Tron / Flowbee" (Ver. 1.0), Army issue compact self-grooming hair appliance, circa 1948. This unit specialized in the seldom popular "monk cut", and was discontinued in 1949 after removing and cauterizing 3 left ear lobes from subsequent testing engineers. On a lighter note, it was lent out to Ed Wood's studio for the forgettable B movie: "Barber Vixens from Outer Space", (in which only two women were de-lobed and cauterized).
Joke #7 reveals that a robot's emotions make for rich pickings. Thanks, Jeremy! - FINE... DOCTOR... GO TALK... TO... YOUR... THREE... MONITOR... HAVING... SLUT... ... MAYBE... IT WON'T... EVER... CRUSH... YOUR... COFFEE CUPS... ... ON ACCIDENT...
John came equipped with a joke in each clamp. Thanks, John!...
Joke #8 - “Behead-o-tron, fix me a drink please. Behead-o-tron? Are you listening to me?”
Joke #9 - “Reacharound 5000… time to shine, my friend.”
Differently Spelled Jon will not be denied a joke. Joke it like you stole it, man. Joke #10 - What they're actually testing is the protective design of the JPL wedgie denial seat.
John came equipped with a joke in each clamp. Thanks, John!...
Joke #8 - “Behead-o-tron, fix me a drink please. Behead-o-tron? Are you listening to me?”
Joke #9 - “Reacharound 5000… time to shine, my friend.”
Differently Spelled Jon will not be denied a joke. Joke it like you stole it, man. Joke #10 - What they're actually testing is the protective design of the JPL wedgie denial seat.
[Commenter jokes will be added to the post. -Mgmt.]
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