What Makes Your Car Go?

Farmer's Almanac prediction for winter 2016-2017!!!

Hey! Don't you want to know what kind of winter we just had? You sure do! To anyone living in or near Chicago, it was nothing to write home about: a few cold days with temperatures in the negative numbers, but generally warmer than usual and with hardly any snow to speak of.

You know that yellow book commonly seen in the folded-up cardboard standee near the exit of Home Depot that looks like it was printed in 1890? yeah, that one, The Old Farmer's Almanac.

It's an old-timey publication with a secret formula for forecasting the weather a year in advance. They won't tell anyone how they do it, of course. Let's see how they did this year!

http://www.almanac.com/extra/winter-weather-forecast-2016-2017









Here's the summary of the Farmer's Almanac prediction for last winter's noticeably mild and not-at-all snowy winter in Chicago:

The winter of 2016–17 will feature above-normal snowfall in the northernmost states, along the spine of the Appalachians, and in northern Illinois, but below-normal snowfall in other areas.

Wow, spooky! The huge blizzard that prison-bitched the East coast a coupe of weeks ago in mid March? Not a peep in the uncannily accurate Almanac. The near total lack of snowfall in Chicago (which usually can be found in Northern Illinois)? Nope. The crazy May-in-February thing that happened? Nah. Didn't happen. It's like they peered into the future, disregarded it as fake news, and and then asked their chickens what the weather would really do. So, their secret forecasting formula is kind of like Weather Forecast Mad Libs.

We will now predict the weather for the next coming year, with the kind of accuracy you've come to expect. For free. You're welcome!

The Driving Simulator.

When You Take the Wheel - Alcohol and Drugs.

Quatron Automatic 8-Track Stereo Tape Changer - The grooviest iPod of 1970.

The next time you're a totally with-it man in Nineteen Seventy, and you want to invite your laydeh over to your Holiday Inn Balcony Suite for a quick sixteen-hour layover (heh), you're going to need the Quatron Automatic 8-Track Stereo Tape Changer. It is the only way.

Think of it. You and your woman - what was it? Brenda? Yeah, Brenda - plus five hundred square feet of yellow sculpted pile that's kinda like the carpet in your van, and sixteen hours to kill until the guy from the convention center comes to pick you up. What shall you do with all that time?  Oh yeah. You could do Brenda. She lives near the hotel, doesn't she? Her roomate might be home, but that's okay. You've got your own hotel room. Ooooh, yeah. It is so on.

The Quatron's got you covered, with twelve of your best 8-Tracks. You've got other rotary magazines with different selections back at home, but good thing you brought the one that's best for gettin' down. It'll go like this:

You and Brenda begin with The Best of Bread, and then some Rare Earth and Blood, Sweat & Tears, and you're both starting to groove.

You might be getting up to change the record, if you were using your old turntable, but no way, man. The Quatron's just getting started. Mountain, The Ideas of March and the 5th Dimension are just kicking into high gear as you two take a breather and enjoy the five bucks worth of weed you bought from the kid outside the liquor store. Aaalll right.

But that's a shot breather, because you're really into Brenda, and she's really into you being into her. Peter, Paul and Mary, Gary Puckett and the Union Gap and The Troggs are inclined to agree.

Finally, you and Brenda share a cigarette on the balcony overlooking the Zayre parking lot, wrapped in the flannel blanket together. You talk about your dreams while Sergio Mendes, Classical Gas and Vanilla Fudge bring your love-plane in to land. Maybe you offer her a beer, and just to prove how much you care, you take a hit off of it first, just to make sure it doesn't have a cigarette butt in it. That's how Brenda knows you care, baby.

Man, you two were in the saddle for sixteen hours, and it only felt like the first side of that album by Zager & Evans. Far out. You didn't even take a nap, but that's okay. You're pretty sure the limo guy will have some coke. You'll just sneak out while Brenda's in the shower. She'll be cool with it. Just don't forget to grab your Quatron on your way out the door.

Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Beach and dedication.

When You Take The Wheel - Stopping & Wallace.