Esquire Holiday Buying Guide, 1959

Holiday shoppers, I bet you're stuck for an idea what to shop for your friends and family this Pointy Tree Day. Well, don't worry, because the December 1959 issue of Esquire (the journal of the great American douchebag, as you know), can tell you what to shop. Shop these things! Holiday complete!

This is a toilet. A cup that you dump in. Or possibly just pee. It's got a fur rim. As for how you clean it, or keep from catching dysentery from it when it's been used more than none times, you'll have to ask Lincoln Products. 

You're probably one of those guys who's identity and confidence is completely wrapped up in
his "Guns", right? You know, like that guy on the chopper show that looks like a walrus? The guy who tears the sleeves off of every garment he owns for fear that someone may not know he's got huge arms? Yeah, we could tell. You know how your bath robe is so confining that you can hardly sip your coffee or throw a table at your son without discomfort? You poor thing. Well, this robe has no sleeves. Also, it's got side vents, so everyone can also tell you've got huge sides, apparently.

There's nothing a lady loves more than a gift that implies that her
hands look like a lumberjack's. Buy her this finger dremel tool
and you'll get all the rewards you deserve.

l

Give the gift of music! Or, give the gift of this thing! Let's see... $39.95 in 1959 dollars adjusted for inflation equals, uuh, carry the one, and that comes out to...

Ho-lee shit.

Gooseman and Uber

Imperial Whiskey - Pointy Tree Day Graphic GIfts

It's the Just-after-Thanksgiving season, citizens, and you know what that means! It's time to figure out what the hell your Pointy Tree Day card is going to look like. No, not the one you get from us (which, by the way, you can get completely for free like thisaway). Those are all locked, cocked, and ready to rock, so send us your address for a free Pointy Tree Day Card and nothing else.

So, yeah, you might be looking for something to help design your HannuChristmaKwaanzaDan card. We might can help with that. But first, here's a 1950 ad for Imperial. "What the eff is Imperial?" you're probably screaming at your laptop. "The frikkin' margiarine? That's dumb!", you probably continue shouting at the screen. Well, it's a whiskey, which is something you can figure out by squinting at the label on the bottle in the ad. Apparently, in 1950, their brand was something they felt safe in assuming everyone knew. Well, get with it, Imperial! Nobody's heard of....

https://www.thewhiskyexchange.com/b/40/imperial-single-malt-scotch-whisky

Oh. Wups. Uuh, well, anyway, here's the ad.

The cartoon men in this ad are super cranked about Imperial whiskey. Note that "cranked" could be interchangeable with "from buzzed-to-drunk". Oh, how those festive holiday revelers love to evangelize about Imperial whiskey to their neighbors and stuff. It's like they just found out about drinking, they're so excited. Why no ladies in the ad? Because Imperial was going after the super lucrative "Alternative Lifestyle" market in 1950? Heh, yeah. Nah. It's probably because in 1950, whiskey wasn't marketed to women.What did women drink? I dunno. Nectar, from the first posies of dawn, I guess.

Tell you what, though. If some industrious P.A.G. intern were to  pop these guys out of their background and delete the Whiskey (where convenient), you could maybe use these guys for YOUR Pointy Tree Day card, and you could make up whatever narrative you want to explain why these guys are doing their holiday prep work in "guys night out" style.

Hey! Look at that! One of our interns must be bucking for a promotion! These festive chaps are all PNG images on a transparent alpha background, so's you can easily drop them into whatever image you want. You think that was easy? I dunno, maybe it was. Ask the intern.

So maybe you're stuck for an idea what these guys are up to? Fine, we'll help you with that too, your majesty. They're getting together all the presents for their wives. Anything else???? Jeez!

Man, I hope these are

2018 PTD card get!

Spaceprom

The March of Science #15