Borden's Milk - Story time.

Today, let's rejoin the horrifying Borden's mascots as Elsie teaches her sons (I think) about producing milk.

"Gather round, my little cow-boys," called Elsie, "and I'll tech you about milk just before bed time. They all came running. It was their favorite time of day. Elsie pulled the worn volume from the shelf somehow, with her misshapen hoof. She had read from it a hundred times, but she never got tired of the lessons bound in it's pages. The world must know about the goodness of Borden's milk!

""To produce milk that meets first of all the health needs of tiny children" Elsie read. "There, wasn't that a nice story?" She asked. Bufort looked puzzled. "Momma, that's not even a complete sentence. Isn't there more in the book?" This evoked an understanding chuckle from Elsie. "No, Beauregard," she said -"I'm Bufort!" - "Sorry. No, Bufort. Cows like us have a mental capacity higher than sheep, but lower than horses, and you must understand that sheep are terribly, terribly stupid. We cows don't have the ability to write or use language. I don't even know how I read these words." she said, gesturing at the page with one non-opposable hoof. "Besides," she continued, "all you need to know is that Borden's milk is the very best, most delicious milk human children can drink!"

"Momma, why don't human children drink human milk? Isn't cow milk meant for cows, like us?" Blaupunkt Asked. "Well, some human children DO drink human milk," Elsie replied. "...but that's only while they're very little. A human over a year old doesn't really drink milk from it's mommy. The ones that do are weirdos. Humans like to drink milk from cows almost all their lives. It's nature's way."

The third son piped up: "Momma, I want to give my milk to the little humans too! I want my rich nourishing milk to be squozen from my pendulous teats and sold in happy little bottles!" Another soft chuckle from Elsie. "You're a boy cow, Burshtien."  - "It's Blofeld, Momma" - "Blofeld, then. No, you can't give milk because you're a boy cow. When you grow up, you'll be a bull cow. The job for you is to lie around and try not to exercise too much. You want your meat to be nicely marbled. Also, try not to eat any pelleted feed enriched with protein additives made from brain or spinal tissues of other cows infected with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy. You don't want to be a 'downer' before your slaughter date!"

"Hooray!" the three calfs cheered. "Hooray for bedtime! Time for us to sleep and not become downers!" "Off to bed with you, my little mancows." Elsie nestled Borgnine, Burbur and whatever the other one was into their beds, and then put in a quick five minutes on the milking machine before settling down herself.

[The Images and Scanning Them Dept apologizes for the hole at the bottom of today's ad. Somebody cut up the magazine fifty-whatever years ago for an unknown purpose. Selfish of them, don't you think?]