Gulf Oil - 4 out of 5 Douchebags Agree

If you're like me, your Excalibur SS is the last thing you want to worry about when driving through mud puddles next to bus stops, or foreclosing on a widow's mortgage. That's why only Gulf Oil will do for my bourge-mobile. It's not necessarily the best I can find, but it's the best I'll pay for.

When I'm parking in a handicapped spot at the cleaners, picking up a week's worth of blue polyester leisure suits, I can't be wondering if my engine is suffering from clogs... very much. So it gives me a feeling of approximate well being deep within the place where I can only assume my heart probably is.

Sometimes, I ask myself "Lundt, why don't you use an oil that was tested against more than four other commercial oils?" "Because" I tell myself, "I'm a gambler, but not so much that I'll risk more than I'd notice if it were never there at all."

Take last spring's regatta for example. Sure, I was slightly worried about the possibility of losing the race to the rag-tag group of good-hearted high school students that cobbled together a boat overnight to compete against my 32 footer, The Privilege, in hopes of winning enough money to keep the orphanage from being bulldozed by my father's development company to put up a retirement resort for Nazi war criminals. So that's why I had the teenagers' boat drilled! Not so badly that it would never float, but only that it would float just long enough to get out into the really deep water, where the riptide makes it nearly impossible to swim to shore.

Just like my choice of Gulf Oil; I like to be pretty sure, without going too far out of my way. I could spend more on motor oil. I also could have had the orphanage burned down with all the kids locked inside, but, hey, I'm not a monster! Those children will probably die one by one on the streets, but by then it won't be my fault. You know what will be my fault, though? The smooth acceleration of my Excalibur as a drive past those orphans on the street, huddled around a trash can fire, thanks to Gulf.

Unless, that is, I get a bad batch of Gulf and my valves get all gummed up. But at least I saved 25 cents a quart. Daddy will buy me a new car anyway.

-Lundt Worseburg, Douchebag