Old Crow - The Greatest Holiday Tradishin

Granted, I'm not a career alcoholic, but I've never heard of Old Crow. I'm pretty sure I've seen the brand in cartoons, but I never thought it was a real brand of alcohol. Apparently some guys decided it was good to give their brand of bourbon that "hillbilly chic" that every brand longs for, by naming it Old crow.
Unless you're some kind of employable non-drifter weirdo, you're hep to the jive that giving and drinking Old Crow has been a holiday tradition since 1835. A reasonable question may be "Where? Says who?". Don't be a cheater. That's two questions. The tradition probably began in the marketing offices of Fortune Brands, and from there, it thundered in popularity all the way to the advertising department of Fortune Brands, just like the Old Crow Arbor Day Drunken Tree Chop And Limb Reattachment Festival.

Why is the declaration of tradition printed on a paddle? For the traditional Holiday Ass-Paddling, of course! Those who fail to remember that Old Crow is a holiday tradition are spanked by a wooden paddle with the tradition rationally explained in "ye friendly olde typeface". A reasonable question may be "A real tradition doesn't need a sign or advertising for people to remember to do it. A tradition is a specific practice of long standing, and as such, shouldn't need a reminder." Well, that's not a question. What's the matter with you? You obviously haven't been drinking enough bourbon. Go have some now, and then come back with your question rephrased as a belligerent slur. And try to have those little spit bubbles at the corner of your mouth.

 Why not try making your own Old Crow holiday punch this holiday season? Just look at the picture and make your punch look just like that. Here, let me help you...

1. Acquire large bourbon bowl. A whiskey urn or tequila basin may be substituted.
2. Add Old Crow Kentucky Bourbon till you're worried your holiday gathering may be too booze-centric.
3. Sprinkle in orange hemispheres, dotted with maraschino cherries. This is to remind your toeheaded hilljack guests that they like boobs, I guess.
4. Insert sock.
5. Serve in girly little teacups that your drunken hick friends are likely to eat or throw at each other. Then settle down for the greatest tradition of all, filling out the Holiday Police Report.


Steve said...

My only exposure to Old Crow is from the Beastie Boys song Rhymin' and Stealin':

“Slow riding, gun hidin' on the go
I'm fly like an eagle and I drink Old Crow“

Based on their preference for beverages (cheap beer and cheaper liquor), I'd say you're spot on with it being "hillbilly chic."

Anonymous said...

I heard a reference to Old Crow in a Paul F. Tompkins standup routine. To paraphrase somewhat, "If you don't know what Old Crow tastes like, it's because you've never accidentally sprayed hairspray in your mouth."

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