Kaiser Aluminum - Space is made of metal.

Joke #1: Okay, children. Let's look at some great space technology brought to you by Kaiser aluminum! You three girls, though, will probably want to move on to the next exhibit over that way. It's got some pink frilly crap in it, which you'll enjoy. Right this way, men!

Joke #2: Okay, kids, behind me you see the wondrous "Macroscope", developed by Kaiser aluminum over a period of five years. By looking through it, you can see big things at their actual size! Any questions?

Joke #3: Yes, I'll answer all your questions about Kaiser aluminum in turn. I'll have to wear this helmet, though. You know, kids, I've been to space, but I still can't bear to be breathed on by you filthy, filthy children. You there. Stop picking that!

Joke #4: Thanks for coming out to the Kaiser aluminum fun factory today, kids! Before I choose one delicious earth child to grind into a paste, I'll need you all to remove any watches, jewelry or other "un-grindable" objects and place them in that tray over there. The machine can't grind metal.... especially if it's tough, lightweight Kaiser aluminum, ha ha!

Joke #5: You know, kids, I've been to space so many times, I can no longer tolerate Earth's "atmospheric pressure". If I were to remove this helmet, my head would explode like an over-ripe tomato. Now, a little while ago, I prepared a crushed human head and a smashed tomato, to see if you can tell the difference! I'll be right back.

Joke #6: Gosh, kids. It's awfully easy breathing in my space suit, here. You know, I don't know how you children endure Earth's thin atmosphere, ha ha. Tell you what... I'll invite one of you kids into my space suit here with me, to see what I mean. How about you, Jimmy? ...Jimmy? Hey, I'm talking to you.

Joke #7: You know, children, up there in outer space, there's no nice gasses or stuff to breathe and junk. Or sandwiches. Mice don't go to space, heh heh hehe. All of us astro-explorers or whatever breathe sweet, savory nitrous oxide to breathe. You kids are really huge. Who wants to try on my helmet?

Joke #8: As for me, I became a "spacer" for the adventure and the feeling that I'm helping expand human knowledge. And because my wife can't find me there. Say, how many of you kids are married?

Joke #9: You know, children, they say that in space no one can hear you scream. That's why I record the screams of my dying crew on my hip computer here, so I can hear them again and again. Who here can scream really loud?

Joke #10: Yes, I know what you're all thinking. "If he's so strong, why does he need that helmet to breathe?" Well, do you think this railing can hold me back? I can step right over it you know! You all think you're better than me? I was once like you! DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!!!!

Joke #11: ...And Kaiser aluminum will be there to build the rockets that take man to the... Wait, I'm getting a transmission from the Space Council. Yes, yes. Understood.... Okay, children! Let's all step into the host immobilization chamber to your left and hold your hands above your head. Try not to make any screaming sounds. Say, are any of you allergic to ovapositors? Ha ha! Only kidding! It doesn't matter.

Joke#12: At last! Daddy is free from his aluminum prison, and now with Maria gone, nothing can stop the Von Trapp family singers! "Hey you, murder-face. Help me take off this belt."
"Hey mister, shouldn't we be farther away when the rocket takes off?


Anonymous said...

Wow! Great Job finding this stuff from our not so distant past. The over dramatic expressions say just how much fun ideas and inanimate objects were before the Internet! Keep up the good work, Made my day!
Except when the Ovaltine shot out my nostrils. All in all a funny look back at the printed medium add that shaped our youth, I thank you for that.

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