Parade of Patents - Good ideas gone to waste.

Get ready to do a lot of beholding! The 1960 Parade of New Patents is here! No time to explain why you should give a crap! Just hurry up and give a crap! The parade is starting!

Behold the Adjustable Umbrella Holder. William Conrad’s very simple and nearly invisible doohickey is worn over the shoulders at all times. In sunny weather, the detachable umbrella section is stowed unobtrusively across the back. At the first sign of rain, the user removes the device to un-stow the umbrella section, inserts the umbrella section into the socket, tightens the wingnut, places the device back on the shoulders, and adjusts the swivel ball joint for optimum angle. Having done this, the wearer can now light a pipe or cigarette. With the umbrella section removed and stowed in back (in "nice weather mode"), others will hardly notice the bracket at all as they ask if you’ve been in a car accident.

 Behold the Tie-On Ice or Water bag, by Leona E. Prietzsch. With this new marvel, the dream of wearing favorite liquids of all kinds pressed to the forehead becomes reality, with only ordinary agony and cranial hemorrhage as side effects. Happily anticipate your own grimace of delight!

Behold the Powered Pogo Stick. Gordon Spitzmesser realized that ordinary pogo sticks were far too simple, light and silent. He designed a pogo stick with a single-cylinder engine, triggered by impact with the ground. The motorized design can achieve greater height and noise than traditional pogo sticks. The device only requires simple 16-hour annual maintenance for years of fun. Each fall, the oil must be drained and replaced. Battery must be trickle-charged over winter. Fuel additive is required to avoid varnish build up in the fuel lines during disuse. The powered Pogo Stick can be operated safely with one hand, with the use of a special stabilizer tie, available in three patterns and colors.