When You Write a Letter - Twitter, circa 1953

Were the fifties puritanical and naive? You bet. Is current digital culture sloppy and ignorant? Oh yeah. We at P.A.G. believe there are some things the two can learn from each other. So listen up 1951. Twenty-ten, hearken to our tidings.

When you write an email or a tweet, it's good manners...

-To begin notes to acquaintances or to people you do not know: "Dear Mrs (or Miss or Mr.) Customer service recycle bin".

For example, When leaving a note on a car you just backed into, since you've never met the owner, you should address him or her as "Dear Mr. Douchebag who owns the 1988 'official pace car edition' corvette with the embossed Chicago Bulls seat covers and bright yellow wheels".

-To start a friendly email with the name you use in conversation, such as "Dear", as follows: "Dear Homeslice", or "Dear Kevinator", or "Dear Biotch". Tweets should all begin with "Dear my many followers who find the minutiae of my daily existence so fascinating".

-To close a business letter: Yours truly or Yours very truly, such as "Yours very truly, Lord Jedi Cthulu, Esq." NEVER "Respectfully, heatshot4771@geocities.com". A letter to a friend or acquaintance, man or woman: "Sincerely, your stalker from high school" A letter to a close FaceBook friend or a relative: "Affectionately, one of your possible fathers" or "With love, Gary Coleman's index finger.

-To sign your full name or your first name: A business letter or one to an acquaintance should be signed "Frobert Borgangorm".

A letter to a friend should be signed "Frobert" or "Frobey". Never sign a letter "Mrs. Froberg Borgangorm", "Mrs Frobey Borgangorm" or "Miss Borgangorm". If your writing paper is not printed or engraved with your email address, when you write a business letter add it below your signature at the left side of the last page: "Frobert Borgangorm, coloneldrinkusmaximus@aol.com".

-To use a typewriter, if it's more convenient, for forwarding hilarious jpegs to business acquaintances, close friends and family.

-To use pen and ink to answer e-vites, for notes of thanks and for letters of e-condolence.

-To use the full name when you fill in the subject line: "Mrs. tbagger11112@mindspring.com (or Miss Anne tbagger11112@mindspring.com).

-Never to use a nickname in addressing an envelope: "Mrs. Dribbles Jones" or "Miss Dribbly" or "Mr. Dribbles Jones" is incorrect.

-In writing to a divorcee', to use her maiden surname, not her first name, in connection with her ex-husband's last name: "Mrs. @whassupdawg6969" (never Mrs. Sarah @whassupdawg6969).

-In writing to a widow to use her husband's name: "Mrs. Craig @whassupdawg6969 (not Mrs. Sarah @whassupdawg6969).