Holiday Buying Guide 1908

Good-morning, friends and companions! We all know how busy life can become at this tome of the Season, what with the cow-milking and carpet-beating needing to be done. That is why your friends at Phillip Are GO! have chosen to ease your horrible suffering. To-day we bring you four delightful gifts that are sure to please some-one on your Christmas list. Are you ready to begin viewing the delights? If so, simply scroll downward and prepare to have your Christmas troubles solved!
Base-Ball Uniforms - What normal boy doesn't love sport? As everyone knows, boys who don't participate in Base-Ball are fated to grow up stunted, and are prone to self-molestation, upon reaching puberty. Stop this needless monstrosity now! Encourage your boy to engage in healthy athletic intercourse with his peers through Base-Ball. It fills the body with vigor, and also teaches fair play. These Base-Ball uniforms are constructed from the finest wool, which encourages the expulsion of bad humors through healthy perspiration. The trousers, especially, promote this beneficial function.

Conley Pocket Folding Camera - When you show your workaday friends your new Conley Pocket Folding Camera, beware: they may think you are a Witch and try to burn you, ridding the world of Evil. They won't believe the evidence of their own senses when you demonstrate this camera's foldings.

With the Conley Pocket Folding Camera, you can say "Good-Bye" to your special Camera Trousers, for this camera folds up to fit neatly into trousers with pockets of ordinary dimensions!

Purchasers of the Conley Pocket Folding Camera are advised not to demonstrate the camera's Photo-graphic capabilities, as this will surely result in a mistaken Witch-Burning.

 Japanese Grass Suit - A splendid gift for men fond of Pleasure-Shooting. These Grass Suits are imported from The Distant Orient, and are guaranteed to conceal the fattest and noisiest hunters from the observation of all but the most astute woodland creatures, such as the very shrewd peahen.

Abandon all plans to construct your own Grass Suit! The ancient secrets of Grass Suit construction are known only to the denizens of the Distant Orient. All attempts at domestic Grass Suit construction will surely end in Failure and Misery. Get your Man a Genuine Japanese Grass Suit this Christmas and you shall surely never see him again!

Home Tooth Forceps - If you are continually frustrated with the results of inferior-quality Home Tooth Forceps, please consider these top-quality Home Tooth Forceps. Excellent for extracting all your children's teeth. However, do not engage in home blood-letting. For this service, please continue to patronize your local barber, as The Lord intended.

Reminder: There are still some Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Post-cards available. To get yours, merely send your postal-address to us via this horseless letter-carrier address: PhilAreGo@Gmail.com


Robby said...

Apparently there is one sports(man?)men out there wearing thousands of these grass skirts at once, that's impressive!

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