Jergens Lotion - Give him a handgasm.

Oh, 1947, you're killing me. Your idea of funny was Abbot and Costello, but everything else was so melodramatic. At least, everything in McCall's magazine was. Lots of ads had photos of embraces so overblown, it makes you wonder what the man's hand is doing, just out of shot.

This woman is getting a brain-boner, merely because her ear is in a man's mouth. I'm going to go out on a limb and call the expression on her face "suggestive". Either it's the guy eating out her ear, or something really great is happening in the baseball game she's got playing on the radio hidden in the napkin on her shoulder. Either way, SOMEone's going to third base. Heh heh heh. Nice one, Phil man.

Sure, it's a turn off when a woman has hands like a sleestak, but when I'm doing the "let me count the ways" dreamy enumeration of charms, her hands fall somewhere  halfway down the list. As long as there aren't huge doritos of hard, dead skin hanging off of them, and they're not Man Hands, they are generally a pass/fail sort of thing. "Hands? Check. And now to check for boobs!"

Sorry, Jergens of 1947. I guess I'm just not part of your demographic. To look at advertising is to know what advertisers think of their customers. Apparently, women of 1947 spent their entire day cleaning and thinking about relationships, and their heads were filled with girly dreams of being swept off their feet and provided for, happily ever after.

 If Jergens of 1947 were here, they'd probably give me a sock in the nose just for owning a copy of McCall's at all.

Let's see. How could Jergens advertise to men? Hmmmmm. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I don't think anybody did what I'm thinking of in 1947. I tend to assume that the entirety of humanity was a virgin, and knew nothing about dirty stuff, until the sixties.

But the woman in this picture? She's definitely going to need to clean up after Waldo is done tasting her brain stem. The secrets in her brain  are going to force me to rethink my assumptions about pre-sixties dirtiness.

"I hope you like it, honey. I bought you Montana." They'll still argue about where to put the couch.
Day after glorious day they hiked. Do you like their hiking clothes? He's wearing his best hiking suit and she remembered to pack her Chanel hiking dress. In 1947, men wore top hats to bed and women wore ball gowns to make dinner. So, really, these two are dressed down. He may not even be wearing a tie! What if a squirrel sees? He had to bring her to Wyoming to explain how he feels about her hands. "Sweetheart, I love that your hands are really soft, like a tree. See? Trees." What's he going to do when he needs to explain that her faults are nearly undetectable, like neutrinos?

Ooo! Note to self: Get an intern to copyright the the word "Neutreen-o's". We'll just sell empty boxes and tell people they're full of cereal with an admittedly small but nonzero mass. It'd still be less of a scam than homeopathy, because technically speaking, there would be some actual neutrinos in the box at any given time. Proving that would be expensive, though.



Dan said...

I think you're onto something with the Neutreen-Os. Each box can have a toy Schroedinger's cat inside!

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

Zing! An excellent pack-in premium! But won't kids wind up dumping out all the Neutreen-O's just to get at the prize? Mothers always hate wasting food, and sweeping up quantum particles from the kitchen floor.

Thanks, Dan!


FIL said...

I just got off the phone with 1947. They actually called to say how much they appreciated your choice of "Either way, SOMEone's going to third base" as a euphamism for a romantic encounter. A few women fainted down south, but the majority of the era found it tasteful.

Oh, I just received a fax from 1993. Hmmmm... I guess the early 90's thought you should've went with "Either way, SOMEone's going to take a ball to the chin."

Everybody's a critic.

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

Pkshhoww! Take THAT, '47! Damn good ball joke. The southern belle who passed out probably just blamed it on "the vapors". Nothing a lace fan won't fix!

Thanks, Fil!


Jim Dillon said...

My girlfriend (an admitted southerner) says when you hear lovey talk directed at guys, you should substitute the word "penis" whenever you hear the word "heart."

So 1947 sounds really, really dirty when it says "Your soft hands have such a hold on my heart."

But at least now we know that way back then, they had discovered what Jergens is for.

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