York Air Conditioning - All hail the windowless office building!

Today, readers, we celebrate the triumph of Mechanical Air Conditioning, which in 1936, finally allowed mankind to achieve the long-awaited dream of the windowless building. And this we owe to York Air Conditioning. Let us symbolically cover our eyes in symbolic thanks for the ultimate abolition of scenery.

Throughout history, mankind has suffered under the yoke of nature, toiling under her harsh sun and gawking at her hideous trees and recoiling in horror from her monstrous woodland creatures. Until York Inc. had the courage and wisdom to fully develop Mechanical Air Conditioning, we were doomed to an existence of squinting at papers under the brutal glare of natural light, and breathing air that had not been filtered, and possibly even breathed previously by a horse or a tree. This is why humans were so small in the past. The aborigines, for example, have no air conditioning, and they can barely be seen with the naked eye. This is because their nation is, in essence, one huge window. So savage.

Now, in 1936, Man has progressed. He has tamed the air particle, now known as the "air-o-cule". He has crushed air under the boot of Science, and forced it to do his bidding. When Man says "Be cool and dry!", the air-o-cule obeys. When Man says "Be warm and slightly moist or be punished!", the  air-o-cule  positively wets itself in terror and hurries to comply. Only through the force of York Air Conditioning can man be truly free to think about other things, like cigars and hats.
A chart.

The men of York worked tirelessly to build an Air Conditioning system for the Hershey Chocolate Corporation, so that their building could be a near featureless cube of merriment. Now, freed from the tyranny of windows, Hershey's jolly workers, or "choco-troopers", are happier and more efficient. They are no longer distracted by "looking out of things" or "daydreaming". Corrosive employee behavior has been reduced, as standard monthly brain samples show. For example, ambition and aspiration have been slashed by fifteen percent, while respiration has increased by six percent. Meanwhile, employee desire to go on living, or "livewant" has remained nearly average, factoring in a twelve percent margin of error and a seven percent margin of error, with a nineteen percent margin of error.

Additionally, the light from the overhead fluorescent fixtures is more pleasing to the eye and healthful, according to the York pamphlet "Your Eyes Should Vibrate! A Guide to Fluorescent Lighting Systems and Cellular Microstasis." No longer beholden to the natural diurnal day/night cycle, workers often put in longer hours without being asked, owing to their quantitatively elevated mood, sound physiology and the efficient deployment of clocks behind the boilers, and in the bottom of dustbins.

We can all share the pride that York must surely feel for the thing they have helped create. We must all look forward to our Bright New Future of a completely controlled environment, beautiful uninterrupted planes of concrete, and more efficient chocolate production.

Click for big.


Post a Comment