Cointreau - Candy is dandy but liqueur is quickueur.

In the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Mister Salt asks Wonka if he has "something going on the side", in reference to the butterscotch and "buttergin" vats in the inventing room. Wonka conspiratorially whispers in Salt's ear "Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker." As with all the cleverness in the movie (buried among the lame puns included for the children in the audience), it was lost on me as a kid. But as a giant grownup, I can now appreciate the way Wonka shakes people off by giving them an answer that is not an answer at all, and confuses them long enough for him to change the subject. For more on this, see also everything that has happened in American politics since World War 2. It's funny in a movie. Less funny in world events.

Cointreau did more than simply deliver nutty clip art to readers of Redbook (which I insist is not me. I only look at the pictures). Cointreau (kwahn-TROW) is a "liqeur" (lih-KOOR), which is distinct from liquor (LIK-ker). I knew how to say these things before I could legally buy them because, as mentioned before, I used to be a busboy, and routinely lugged cases of booze from the basement to the bar, which required chanting the name of the stuff to myself on the way down so I wouldn't forget which kooky word I was looking for.

As I have just found out from the Phil Are GO! Spirits and Get Outta My Face I Can Stop Any Time I Wanna No YOU Shaddap Team, Liqueur (say it all French Like) is basically distilled alcohol with loads of other flavorants in it. Spices, sugar, fruit, sugar, and most importantly, sugar. It's thick, sweet,  and syrupy.

Liquor, on the other hand, is the American word for "spirits". It's pretty much an umbrella term for hard alcohol, which is usually thinner than water, and is good for degreasing bearings. Vodka and Gin are liquor. Triple Sec and Cointreau are types of liqueur, also called "cordials" or "schnapps", just to keep things clear as mud. I think the problem is, people make up new names for things while they're enjoying the thing they're naming. So, we wind up with a bunch of names for something, and half of them sound like you're drunk already when you say them properly "schnappps..pps", "liqeueuruur".

The high sugar content of cordials / liqueur makes them A) a favortie of high school girls who don't like the taste of alcohol but want to get sloppy drunk when their parents are away for the weekend and leave the cabinet unlocked so their new boyfriend can feel them up on the pool table without accountability, and B) a plausible basting agent for meat. People like their savory things covered in sweet stuff. Look deep in your heart. You know it to be true.

So, clip art. There's some nice stuff in this ad. So nice, in fact, that it'd be great if someone would present it to the world, all cleaned up and ready to go into your next party invitation. If only such a hero would step forward and provide this service and no extra charge. Rude Finger Graphic Gift coming right up.

"Oooh, I am soooooo drunk! I hope
nobody's hands find their way under
my cardigan. By the way, my single
enormous button is hanging on
by a thread!"

This is not useful cip art. It's just weird. What purpose does she serve?

Mister Mooney forgetting about what Lucy did
with the receipts, 1000px wide.

400px wide.

1000px wide

400px wide.


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