H.I.S. Sportswear - I have solved the corduroy problem.

Get ready for summer college season, chaps! That means "buy corduroy everything!". And don't forget to wear all your corduroy at once. If you adopt this plan, your college will become safer, because no one can sneak up on anyone, and the non-corduroy wearer can easily outrun the be-corduroyed assailant, because the friction from running will cause him to burst into flames.

CHeck out these dapper fellows, with their tiny, tiny heads and enormous corduroy jackets. You can tell their studies are going well, because a care-free and independent (she's driving a car in 1957!) co-ed has just pulled over to allow herself to be hit upon. Too late, Judy! These lucky lads are all going to the corduroy convention with each other!

But enough about them. Citizens, when planning your summer corduroy wardrobe, consider the volume of your clothes. No, not the spatial volume. I'm talking about the acoustic volume of your clothes. The average pair of corduroy trousers, when worn by a gent in a real hurry, produces a rhythmic thrum of 95 decibels. That's like twelve thousand zippers going off all at once. That's bad for your hearing, and terrible for social interaction. Good luck with your reclaimed virginity!

But now, the Phil Are GO! Scientific Breakthroughs and Fashion Assault Squad has solved the corduroy problem. Maybe you were about to simply cut off one of your legs to silence your trousers because you're tired of being permanently deafened? Stop! Don't maim your pants just for the sake of some peace and quiet! We are proud to announce the development of Phil are GO! HushiZontal (tm) Corduroy. Please be enlightened by this specially prepared InfoGraphiGram.

On the left is Fig. 1, representing conventional, deafening corduroy. Every step is an ear-bleeding torment. You have to shout just to hear yourself scream! On the right are Phil Are GO! HushiZontal(tm) Corduroy trousers. See? the HushiZontal(tm) corduroy ridges work with each other, instead of waging a noisy battle with your every step. Soon, no one will know you're sneaking up on them, presumably to do something nice. And, you'll stay cooler in all your summer corduroy separates, because of the decreased friction-related heat.

Phil Are GO! HushiZontal(tm) corduroy trousers will soon be available everywhere, and you'll be stupid if you don't buy every pair you can find.

You're welcome!

Disclaimer: Phil Are GO! HushiZontal(tm) corduroy trousers are silent in most conventional modes of personal locomotion. Phil Are GO! makes no claims of silence while marching, which requires excessively vertical leg actions. Phil Are GO! are not responsible for deafness, fires, injuries or other forms of death resulting from marching while wearing Phil Are GO! HushiZontal(tm) corduroy trousers.

Click for big.