Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 4 - Starting to stop.

In this chapter, you will learn the importance of stopping your auto-car. Some say that stopping is the most important factor in going. One thing is for sure. You will murder everyone in the world if you don't learn and master every stopping technique explained in this chapter. Let's start to stop!

It is a well-known fact that everyone who doesn't stop their car efficiently takes a human life. But how is it possible to know exactly when to begin applying the brakes in any situation? Driving is an actionful activity, and objects in the world are constantly swirling around your auto-car in a dizzying tornado of hazard and death. That is why we have prepared this chart that explains every possible stopping crisis. Use it to manage your daily stopping crisis routine.
You must cut out this page and tape it to your windshield, just over the steering wheel. Refer to the chart at every intersection, stopping-light, pavement separation, curb, crosswalk, embankment, onramp, offramp, security gate, playground, grammar school, bus stop, grocery store, and greasy stain of unknown origin you encounter on the road. This chart will easily help you to calculate when to begin applying the brakes. In each case, quickly look up your rate of speed, and determine the distance between your auto-car and the obstacle. This will indicate your reaction time, which you can then use to determine the auto-car's braking distance. Only then will you know when to begin applying the brakes. Then, apply the brakes, bringing your auto-car to a controlled stop, thereby avoiding a horrid spray of ichor and body parts.

As you can see from the stopping chart, when traveling at 70 mph - the maximum speed of any modern production vehicle - your stopping distance is 381 feet. If cars were to ever become capable of 90 mph, we can calculate that the driver would need to begin applying the brakes two hours before getting up in the morning. The lesson to learn here is that you're sleeping too late. Get up extra early each day to begin applying the brakes before you even get in the car.

HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE - So how are you to prepare for stopping while going? Use this this illustration as a guide:

As you can see, a column of death, or "Danger Zone" extends out in front of your car at all times. The only safe practice is to constantly scream this warning message out your auto-car's window as you drive: "I'm going to kill everyone! I cannot be stopped! All will die in blood and horror! The Demon Velocity compels me to destroy all of humanity. Flee or die, humans!" When you reach the end of the Safety Statement, repeat from the beginning. Do this until you exit the vehicle. Only in this way can a world of potential victims receive sufficient warning to escape your Danger Zone.

If your car only has functional brakes on the front wheels, you will murder your wife, and ruin your picnic.


Mandy said...

hah! The wife getting "the brakes'" is my favorite picture of that whole book.

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