The wallet.

Joke #1 - "I know adolescence can be a confusing time, Bertrand.. Here's the name of the doctor that performed my first three gender deassignment-reassignment-unassgnment-reversals."

Joke #2 - "I'm sorry about your father's heart attack, Bertrand. This is hard on all of us. He wanted you to have this. It's his Blimpie Club Card. Two more purchases and you get a free meatball sub."

Joke #3 - "I can't say I approve of your hobbies, Bertrand, but I know I can't stop you. But, please just be safe. Keep this for a rainy day. It's a get-out-of-Facebook-free card."

Joke #4 - Whoops. Mother had found his "just in case" condom. Boy, that brought back memories. Fourth grade seemed like it was only yesterday.

Jim D. sends us this very detailed and intricate Joke #5, almost as if he's thought this through more than once, and veeery carefully. Thanks, Jim. Remind me not to cross you! - Bertrand couldn't help smirking as he thought how easily it had gone in actuality, after all their hours of planning. And Patricia's pathetic worry about whether the dogs . . . he realized he hadn't answered her question. "Of course it's safe to hock the watch. Just do it next time you're across the state line in Sioux City. But we'll have to do something about his name on all the furniture. Why don't you work on that while I show this 'sexy I.O.U.' to a certain school board member. I have a feeling that's where we can make this job REALLY pay!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]