Dickies - Pat Boone, the proto-Bieber.

Sometimes The Past tosses you a nice easy lob, and all you have to do is hold out your glove and let it fall right in. In 1960, Pat Boone was a Spokesdick for Dickies Casual Clothes.

Check that out. In an all-white suit with beltless pants and his trademark white shoes. Pat puts the "honk" in "honkey". As if he wasn't white enough.

But how did Pat Boone become the poster mild of lame whiteness? Well, as anyone older than, say, forty can tell you, his career basically involved re-recording less-threatening versions of R&B songs for consumption by white people who weren't comfortable listening to "black music".

Boone also is a die-hard evolution denier, is more than a little homophobic, and regards anyone who doesn't like George Bush as "unpatriotic". This CBS article is kind of a catch-all for his niceness.

But we should have known as much when he released his 1997 album "In a Metal Mood". It says "No more Mr. nice guy", right there on the cover. He can't even be bothered to wear sleeves. That's one dangerous fella!

I know, I know. "That can't be a real album. That's gotta be a Photochop." I wish it were, citizens. Stare with your ears at the splendor of his "metal" album.

You'd think that heavy metal couldn't get much whiter, but Pat found a way. We owe him a debt of gratitude for showing us that you don't know there's any funk in a song until someone strips it away. 

Hey, wait a sec. The first vocal we hear in You Got Another Thing Coming is a couple of backup singers who sound unmistakably black. How did Pat allow this? They must have recorded their parts on a different day, so Pat may not even know they're on the record. I like a lot of the songs on this album, but it seems there's nothing Pat Boone can't ruin. Fuck you, Pat.

Weirdly, Pat himself is the strongest argument against the very idea of evolution.