Borden's Promotional Cow Family Christmas plans.

It's been a while since we've checked in with Elmer and Elsie and the hideous Borden cow family. For those with morbid curiosity, use links like this one, this one, this one, or this one to make yourself lactose intolerant.

Today's ad allows us a lucky glimpse into the domestic squabbles of this family of unforgivable human-cow half breeds. They're arguing about how to save money on Christmas shopping. What ever shall they do? Urgently continue reading to find out!

First, we are given to wonder why a family of monstrosities like this are having financial troubles. Elmer claims to be the one that pays the bills in the family. Assuming he works for the Borden company, he must somehow sell his milk to the dairy. In the very same breath, the ad points out that he's a bull, and thereby incapable of producing milk. Soooo, let's just hope that not only has he been unnaturally cross bred with a human, but that he also has been genetically manipulated to have mammary glands. Yes, we will hope for that. The alternative possibility is  even more horrible.

Gender-bending is the least of the Borden family's biological feats. Each family member has a weird neck wiener that the artist was very careful not to overlook, when drawing the comic. They must be important. This revelation raises more questions than it answers, but let's let sleeping wieners lie, shall we?

So, Elmer's upset about finances. This tension is nearly immediately defused by Elsie's Christmas gift-giving plan. She will make all the gifts! "How?", you ask? "Godammit, HOW?" Why, she'll make delicious things to eat with her own bodily fluids and give them to their friends! What would you do?

You're darn right. You would call everybody and tell them to skip the eggnog this year, because you are going to spend Christmas morning driving to everyone's house to give them nog made with juices squirted out of your body.

The ad goes on to give even more helpful Christmas hints. For example, here's a family portrait of ice cream... we hope.

Then there's the very extravagant party idea of serving specially aged Gruyere cheese. Imagine their faces when you point out that the delicious cheese was made from your own fluids and loving aged for a year.

Junior's helping, too! He's wrapping a gift for daddy. It's a festive holiday brick! Let's hope it's just a normal brick, and not one made from his own excretions... although his family's frugal habits tend to imply which way the wind is blowing on that little dilemma.

Near the bottom of the page, Elsie reveals that she and Elmer have a promotional record! This I gotta hear. However, the P.A.G! Research and Googling team was disappointed by The Ultranet. There seems to be no copy of that recording anywhere for us to hear. We'll have to make due with this weird TV commercial instead. The Ultranet owes us an apology, I think.

Click for big.


Michelle_Randy said...

Elmer sounds like he seriously needs a Xanax.

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

I'm sure Elsie can make him one Xanax from her own squirtings.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to have to tell you that Elmer was the Elmer's Glue bull.

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