Peter Pan Peanut Butter - A toothy girl for every gummy boy.

A sharp-eyed intern dropped this ad on my desk this morning. He was all excited because he'd found an excellent candidate for our newly-established "potential avatar images for your forum or chat application of choice" image category. He done good.

Peter Pan Peanut Butter, 1950. Wholesome-looking girl with adorable snaggly teeth and a Buster Brown haircut. In fact, she could easily be eating a shoe instead of peanut butter bread.

Hey! Look at that jar. Notice the shape? It has absolutely no shoulder at all, so you had a reasonably fair chance of actually using all the peanut butter in the jar, instead of leaving half a bread's worth of ring-shaped product under the rim of the now-standard contour of the jar. Swift / Derby understood the obvious wisdom of this jar design back in 1950. So, why are we still hamstrung with retarded jar shapes here in The Future? Two possibilities. A) They don't give a shit like they used to, and B) In the aggregate, all the wasted, irretrievable peanut butter left under the stupid lip of the jar adds up to measurable profits for the company (now ConAgra foods), so screw you, consumer. Actually, there is a third possibility, and that's both A and B combined. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Aaaaanyway, you know who toothy girl needs in her life? The gummy kid from our Columbia Bicycle post from way back in ought-thirteen! They make a good couple, just like peanut butter and shoes! *Suzette, get Gummy Kid in here, would you please? Thanks.*

Gummy Kid, you're off the bench and back in the game again. Don't let it go to your gummy head. Listen. sidle up next to Toothy Girl, please. Because I said so, that's why. Just do it. Chop chop!

Oooo! Sparks! I think I smell something in the air besides Peter Pan and Vitalis. Once you two clear that magic Awkward Age, you could give the world some children with orthodontia to baffle science. But you know what? Now is not the time.

Come back in six years, you two. For now, your fate is written in the peanut butter. Let that be enough. Gummy, get back in your cage.

Toothy Girl, you're going to make someone's day when they upload your bright shiny face as their new avatar. Let's put some miles on that face of yours, shall we?

Here she is, with a blank background at 1000 px wide. You can crop in to her face, or leave her as-is to show your chitchat pals how much you like some peanut butter bread. You're welcome!

Click for big.


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