1953 Mercury - Long and low?

This ad wants you to buy a '53 Mercury. It may seem weird, but back then, it wasn't strange for a manufacturer to have only one model. So, in this ad, they just call it "the Mercury".

But wait. A quick search of The Ultranet shows us that there was a 1953 "Monterey". Why doesn't the ad call it by that name? The shiftless interns in the Phil Are GO! Research and Googling Team are taking a "me day", so we'll leave it to some of our readers who are steeped in auto-lore to maybe solve that mystery. I could name one or two who probably know the answer off the top of their head. I'm looking at you, and you know who you are.

Anyway, a couple things:

I believe that this bumper in particular is a little bit famous for being more than a little Freudian. Come on, Mercury. I know The Fifties were second only to The Victorian age when it comes to sexual repression, but  is there anyone who can look at these chromed protuberances and not instantly understand that they're boobs?

"Long, low look" aah hahahahahahah! That's cute! "Long and low." Just you wait a ocuple of decades, Mercury. The Future will teach you the meaning of long and low cars. Can your car still be used as a vehicle? Then, you haven't pushed the lowness as far as physically possible. One may recall hearing various idiots say something the following with no intended irony at all: "If sparks don't fly, you're too high."

So, what exactly is "the greatest Mercury action"? Brush clearing? Or maybe the car has such power, it can humiliate that stupid box in the foreground. You thought you were fast, box? Your fastness ain't shit! Get a load of my Mercury!!!

So how was the Mercury's action? Prepare to probably feel pretty cool about your current car, citizens! Let's compare the performance of the Mercury to a fairly average car of today - a 2016 Accord. Some numbers:

1953 Mercury Monterey Sedan horsepower, and curb weight: 125 hp, 3400 lbs.
2016 Honda Accord horsepower and curb weight: 185 hp, 3170 lbs.

So, the Mercury had a horsepower-per-ton ratio of 74. The Accord has 117 horsepower pulling every ton of its own weight. Also consider the additional reliability and safety of your humble everycar of today, and it's easy to understand that, yes, the Mercury was pretty cool, but cars are better than they're ever been. ...unless it's a Pontiac Aztek, of course. That thing is a rectal pimple on the backside of the automotive world.

Anyway, the Mercury in today's ad is a nice blue, and if you like chrome, she's your baby ... even more so if you like pretend boobs. What she's lacking in wheels. Four is fine, but eight is better. Let's reveal the upside to all that time we didn't spend researching Mercury's nomenclature today.

Theeeere we go! Isn't that better? With that many rear axles, you could do three wheelies at once with all those 125 horsepowers! You'd need another motor in the trunk just to help lug around the extra two differentials and stuff. But hey, I don't make the rules of coolness. I'm am a mere servant. Why not right click this little blue caterpillar into the multicar pileup on your hard drive? And while you're at it, here's a revised version of this ad, all plussed up with our improved Monterey. You're welcome!

Click for 1600 px.

Click for 1600 px/


Anonymous said...

Most likey the car was named after Monterey CA, a city of west-central California south of San Francisco on the southern end of Monterey Bay, an inlet of the Pacific Ocean. Founded as a Spanish mission in 1770, it grew as a colonial capital and fishing port and is now the center of a resort area on the Monterey Peninsula.

-Or more probably- from the spanish words "monte" (hill) and "rey" (king):
"King of the Hill"
(None of the vehicle's websites I perused gave any reason for that particular naming...)

Mr. FancyIOwnedA71MontereyPants_2

Jim D. said...

I remember reading in Thomas Hine's wonderful book Populuxe that the designers at a certain auto company referred to the bumper protruberances as "Dagmars." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dagmar_(American_actress)

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