Hyp-mo-tize!

Whatever you're doing right now, stop it at once and drink a mouthful of coffee, because in a few seconds, you're going to need to do a spit take. Unless you send away for this complete 25-lesson GUIDE TO HYPNOTISM, you will always be a loser. But don't take my word for it. Just assume that everything in this 1963 ad is completely true. Yes. Do that.

Why would you continue to fight your way through life influencing others with sound arguments and reasonable viewpoints, when you can simply EXERT YOUR POWER OVER OTHERS? This ad appeals to all the best facets of human nature: The desire for fame and popularity through power and control over others.

Imagine the life you could lead. See the man in this picture? Imagine how popular he is! This could be you! Look how popular! Why aren't you loved by others? Because you're not doing this!!!














You're probably wondering how this could possibly work. If you're still thinking like that, you haven't been properly hypnotized. Stop not being hypnotized. If you need proof that hypnotism works exactly like the ad says, just remember that this ad is from 1963, and because of the good work this ad has done, here in The Future, everyone is now completely hypnotized all the time and we no longer need doctors or medicine of any kind and everyone is popular and completely happy always. Duh. Oh yeah, except for you. You're the only one. You loser.

Just do what the ad says. You could be performing all sorts of life-saving surgeries (on yourself, because everyone else is already hypno-healed and stuff) by hypnotizing people into thinking they've had life-saving surgeries (actually, just you). ...If you weren't such a skeptic, that is.

Eventually, you yourself could learn to perform that greatest of medical procedures, the dollar-ninety-eight-ectomy. Imagine how much money you'd have then!

Still not convinced? Well, you're a jerk. Maybe you haven't noticed that there's a picture of a squinty, unnamed man pointing at you. Yes, RIGHT AT YOU!










Still not convinced? Then you're the worst person in the world. Maybe you need to take this 1000x1000 pixel version of the Squinty Pointy Man and make him your profile picture on whatever FaceTube social media thingy you use. That way, every time you log in, you'll be forced to think about the life you could be having, exerting your power over others.

Click for 1000 px avatar.

UPDATE: Alert Reader Sandy sent in this file photo of Hypnoguy before the surgery. (See below). Thanks, Sandy. We'll have an easier time spotting him, knowing his past!

This is what he REALLY looked like, before they made him look human. I found it in a reference book on Area 52 (where they REALLY did that alien autopsy stuff). 

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: He's clearly from Metaluna, as was Brak, in This Island Earth (1955).