Household Inventions - Asbestos we can make them!

In 1945, Popular Mechanics ran this piece about new household inventions. There is no mention of who invented them, if they were ever sent to market, or even if these were working models in the photographs. They could easily be mockups put together just to demonstrate the idea for the photo shoot.

The combination clothes/dish washer is something I've wondered about before. Why buy two large machines to do what is more or less the same job? You'd think it'd be possible to make one machine that can do either. I guess it's not so easy, or the idea would have caught on. I'm not sure why, though.

It's kind of weird that somebody saw the need to design a thing that dries out clogged salt shakers. I'm a pretty astute observer of the physical world, and I like to find out little bits of domestic scientific trivia, but I didn't know that glogged salt shakers were a big problem. Also, I didn't know that the problem was caused by moisture. So, I guess we need to invent a salt shaker dryer to take up space on your kitchen counter for 364 days out of the year when you don't need it. Well, actually, it seems we don't need that, or you'd see them in stores by now, wouldn't you?

And now for the real star of the show: the Asbeston ironing board. No no no. Don't say "asbestos"! Asbestos was already beginning to gain attention as Something Seriously Bad For You in the 1940's. Let's see if I can summarize why it's bad. Asbestos is a natural mineral that forms very long, very thin crystalline fibers that don't burn, which is pretty neat. Much less neat is the fact that, if you get them on or in your body, your body can't get rid of them because the fibers are too thin, and as a reaction, forms an inflammation that never goes away. On the surface of the skin, it forms warts around the asbestos fibers. In your lungs, it becomes mesothelioma and kills you in fifteen years.

Anyhoo, this ironing board is made from "Asbeston". See what they did there? They changed the last letter of "asbestos" into an N. So, it's really a totally different material that has identical properties to asbestos, but with a trademarkable name and probably none of the icky drawbacks of the letter S version of the stuff, as far as you know. So, you're ironing your clothes on a fabric called "Asbeston". Put on that shirt. Rub it on your skin. Breathe all you want, because there's no S!

Also great household ideas...

"Ebolan" Disinfectant Spray - Safe until we discover it in 1976!
Bright Bottom Baby Powder -  Now with "Uraniun", for a little extra comforting warmth!
Leprosyn Dish Soap - Baked on food just melts away!
Cancerol Pain Reliever - You only take it once!
Cirrhosin Country Ale - Embrace the inevitable... in Cirrhosin Country!

Union Carbide Car Seat - It's not like we're running out of babies.

Here's a partially safe car seat from 1963, brought to you in vivid halftone and no color, to de-emphasize the blood stains. Union Carbide, the company that pretty much invented the petrochemical industry, is now part of Dow chemical, who brought you Styrofoam and agent orange. Here's what happens when they first tried their hand at designing something to keep small humans safe.

Surprisingly, the Ever Soft car seat is mostly constructed from steel tubing and not so much from plastic, which would have been at least a little less "stabby-pinchy".

The following is excerpted from the Ever Soft information manual (Copyright 1962 Union Carbide, Inc.)

___________________

You'll notice the exposed hinges, where the Infant Restraint Barrier (IRB) pivots down against the Primary Seating Module (PSM) in a delightful scissoring action. Fortunately, babies aren't known for their curiosity and searching fingers or this would be a hazard.

Next, notice that the whole device hangs over the back of the car's seat. You may think that this doesn't provide much security in the event that you drive over a medium sized bump, but let's remember that this is the greatest country in the universe, and American roads are paved with cast iron that is leveled with a laser T-square, and they never ever degrade or form potholes. Don't say they do. What are you, a communist?

Moving on, you can see that the Infant Restraint Barrier (IRB, remember) is conveniently held in the upright position by a hook, during the critical Infant Insertion and Immobilization Procedure (IIIP). During transport, the hook remains up and out of the way, several inches above the child's skull, or Brain Containment and Command Module (BCCM). This could, in a less perfect universe, theorhetically be considered dangerous, except for the fact that American drivers are the most courteous, conscientious, and resposible drivers in the totality of the multiverse, and road accidents haven't been a reality since the Great Chariot Collision of 612 B.C. Also, let's recall that the Ever Soft is securely draped over the back of the seat, and can't possibly come loose, stupid.

___________________

Sadly, the Ever Soft car seat failed to sell well. In an attempt to recover some of their production investment, the Union Carbide corporation shipped the entire stock of Ever Soft car seats to Viet Nam in 1965, dropping them over Hanoi as part of the de-population effort. The casualties were hailed as "apocalyptic and glorious" by the Ever Soft development team.

Squirt - Good Staff Artists

I don't know if Squirt used staff artists or... actually, I'm pretty sure they just hired an advertising company who used THEIR own staff artists for this ad. Doesn't matter. There is brilliant work in here.
1954 was still the middle of the golden age of advertising mascots. Also, it was the golden age of advertising, in this irrelevant nobody's opinion. You know... post-war optimism and a healthy economy make for some upbeat, irrationally happy ads.

This ad features two very different kinds of mascot art: abstract minimalism and disney-style. The one at the top, with the inverted black/white colors is a beautiful example of the abstract drawing style from the 50's. He's got no hands or feet and his head is a teardrop. If you click on the close-up of him below, you can see that the line around his head is kind of chalky. I can't explain why that's cool, but it is.

The other mascot, down below, is squirt boy. It shouldn't be impressive, but he was actually drawn by someone who knows how to draw cartoon characters! Take a walk down the cereal aisle of your grocery store and you'll see monstrous examples of badly-drawn over-rendered characters. Too many lines, wonky posing, clueless line tapering, and lumpy, bulbous designs are par for the course. Squirt boy looks good! Of course, this isn't too surprising, since advertising artists were, as a rule, trained in illustration back then. Now, they're mostly technicians and it shows.

At the bottom is a great black and white painting of a happy fisherman enjoying some squirt. Ignoring all common sense that sugar water is terrible for quenching thirst (a fact that soda companies still choose to ignore to this day), I cna only guess that the man is included as a serving suggestion for the type of face you might choose to make while you're enjoying your own glass of Squirt. Also, there's a great, cheesy spot color added, just for some zazz.

Young Men Typists - Heh heh.

Why did Smith Corona feel the need to sell typewriters based on  helping young men get a job? Well, the ad ran in Popular Mechanics, I suppose. And it being 1940 and all, everyone knows that only men read Popular Mechanics. Strangely, though, you'd think that "everyone knows that only women type" would be the standard thought in 1940.

So, I guess we applaud Smith Corona with one hand only, for their progressive "anybody can type" philosophy, even if they're just trying to sell more units.

Their choice of head shots is pretty funny. It looks like they chose three young men who look like they couldn't drive a nail or hold a rifle to use as typewriter candidates. Did they choose extra-wimpy guys on purpose? "TYPING AIDS YOUNG SISSIES SEEKING OPPORTUNITY". Why not have a young guy with a beard and a duelling scar or an eyepatch? "TYPING AIDS YOUNG CONVICTS IN WRITING PAROLE ESSAYS"

It seems that, nomatter how hard they tried to be fair and non-prejudiced, companies in the old days couldn't help but be insulting and prejudiced.

I do like their use of quotes around the adjective "tops", as if the phrase had just been invented and they needed to use finger quotes when reading the copy to each other in the brainstorming session. Wait. Did they have finger quotes in 1940? When were those invented? That may be an interesting research project, if I can figure out how to research it.

UPDATE: Hey, guess what? Finger quotes can be traced back as far as 1927, according to The Phrase Finder, which cites a 1927 article in Science magazine...

"Some years ago I knew a very intelligent young woman who used to inform us that her 'bright sayings' were not original, by raising both hands above her head with the first and second fingers pointing upward. Her fingers were her 'quotation marks' and were very easily understood."

Here's the picture shown in the article on Phrase Finder. Hah! That's great.

Freezer Pedal - Hey, where'd that go?

Lots of things you see in old ads are really funny. At the time they seemed like a good idea, and it's not really fair to make fun of ideas from our vatage point fifty years in the future. (It's not fair, but it really is fun.) Sometimes I see something like this freezer door pedal that makes me wonder why the idea didn't catch on. Behold, the freezer door pedal.

I can't be sure, but I think one of our refrigerators back in the seventies (the fridge was probably a relic of the sixties) had one of these. The idea makes sense, right? A lot of the time when you go for the fridge door, you've got things in your hands (half eaten roast beast, bundles of cash wrapped in plastic, houseflies in a jar for a fun experiment). Why not have a steppy-pedal to make the door open for you?

Sometimes history is an idiot, I guess. Cars got really ugly around 2002 with their pointless creases and very pointy headlights, for example. Change is not always progress.

In other news, I love these old two color print jobs. They had money for an extra color besides black, so they splurged and paid for red. Now that's what I call pizazz! If you want to give your drawing a cool retro look, add some limited colors. Nice dreamy posing on the people in this ad, too.

Hey! Check it out. We also get a bonus disembodied floating head at the bottom.

Painless Dentistry - Or Hi-Fi Pelvis?

Joke#1: "Developed by a dentist in cooperation with an audio research firm, a machine produces sounds that soothe the patient and mask discomfort and awareness. One knob controls the volume of stereophonic recordings of children screaming, and the other brings in a special masking sound similar to the tearing of flesh. Other audio programs may be developed at a later date."


Joke#2: "Do you want more control? Sure. We all do. With the Flow-Motion menstrual regulator, you can dial your period back until the time is right for you. *Misuse of Flow-Motion can result in cranial hemorrhaging, esophageal hemorrhaging, oral hemorrhaging, aortal rupture, general metabolic failure, rickets, and impaired femininity."

Joke#3: "Sometimes it's just not 'dainty' to pass gas. But it is always funny. With the Private Moment III, you can share the joke with just yourself. After a quick, slightly painless outpatient procedure, the audio output from your normal everyday expulsions is discreetly sent to the headphone jack for you to enjoy. The 1/8" line out jack makes it easy to plug in a second set of headphones or to record the output for sharing. Details at whydoesntanybodytalktome.net.  Private Moment III - They won't know what they're missing!"

Joke#4: "RCA Victor has just announced an audio breakthrough. The E-Pod is a tiny personal music-device  for the enjoyment of music or other sound programmes anywhere. The main music storage device is stored in the base of a small dental chair, while the control-unit is held in the hands. One knob controls volume and the other also controls volume in case of failure of the first knob. Device holds six seconds of music or any other audio-programme material. Price has been set by RCA Victor at $12,000".

Joke #5: "By removing the nipples and placing them on a device worn outside the clothing, devout women can enjoy all the benefits of a rich, satisfying sex life without any of the sin associated with awful, disgusting nudity. God bless."

The Hall of Heads, Pt.2

Disembodied Floating Heads. Round two. FIGHT! Frank Sprayberry is up to his old tricks again with the radio and TV training ads.

Sadly, by 1957, he had stopped trying to coin the phrase "electronician", and just calls himself a "radio-television serviceman". Boo, Sprayberry. Boo! That's less funny! Also, he's decided to try and smile for the camera. Boo again. Disembodied Floating Heads are supposed to be creepy. Ask anyone. He's still cutting out his neck, so he gets some style points there, and at least his smile is crooked and his teeth are sort of snaggley. Better still if he just used the stern glare from his earlier ad. He feels like he's slipping. I do like his use of unnecessary hyphens in "no-obligation" and "no-risk". He still knows how to write copy.

But then there's J.E. Smith. Bam! Out of nowhere. No, wait. Out of the past. 1945! Nice attack! Sprayberry didn't see that one coming!

Hmm. he left his neck attached to his head. That's disembodied, but just barely. You can tell he's new. He does understand not to smile though. Nice smirk, Smith.

If you look at the lower right corner of his ad (click the image for bigger version), you can see his catalog features nothing but DFH's on the cover. Nice style!










And look! He's brought backup. He's got a posse of six DFH's behind him. Six television electronics apostles, including...

Sixty Dollar Al

 Norman "Beaker" Miller

and Ferdinand "Hair Tumor" Zirbel

Know what though? Quantity doesn't trump quality. Smith has energy, but so far Sprayberry's got the experience and weirdness to stay on top. I look forward to seeing more from you, J. E. Smith, but today, Sprayberry holds the title. Ding!