Large Machine Training - Two of everything.

Joke #1 - "Boys, it's time you met your mother. This is the Twinnitron. Hoyt, you came out of the left chamber, and Herndon came out of the right one. As you can see here, we had Hoyt's dial set to "pretty stupid". Somebody must have bumped it. Sorry Hoyt. Yeah, I knew you wouldn't mind."

Joke #2 - "Before you get out into the field, boys, you'll need to put in a few hours on this, the Second Base Machine. It's crucial training that you all need badly... especially you, Hoyt. By this time tomorrow, you'll all be ready for the prom."

Joke #3 - "So you see, Terrence, the right dial displays your chosen quantity of clones, and the left dial is where you set the type of clone. Somehow we wound up with a pair of "doofuses" instead of "dudes". (The second shift is getting a little sloppy.) So just push these two idiots into the recycler. Sorry boys"

Joke #4 - "So you see, Terrence, the right dial displays the duration of the experience and the left dial is where you set your desired intensity. Okay, Hoyt, pull out and zip up. It's your brother's turn to try it. Gentlemen, we're all going to be rich!"

Joke #5 - "So you see, Terrence, as I turn this handle, this needle moves around. Pretty cool, huh? The right dial is something I still haven't figured out, but that's how innovation goes. In another year, I think I can get the machine down to about half this size."

Joke #6 - "So you see gentlemen, as I turn this handle to the right, the needle goes to the right, indicating that I've turned the handle to the right. Both sides do the same thing, so there's one for each of you. Try it out for yourselves. Terrence and I will be back in a few hours to see how you're coming along"

Joke #7 - "And as I was explaining in the classroom, this left dial displays Hoyt's dorkiness in meganerds. And we can see Herndon's uncoolness displayed on the right. So, as Hern wets his pants there, you can see the needle rotating to the right. Good job, Herndon. That's mighty dorky. Try to keep up, Hoyt."

Joke #8 (Guest joke by John Griffin) - Dr. Mengele showing off his Mengelizer.

Joke #9 (Guest joke by John Griffin) - "As you can see from this gauge, the first twin is quite aroused."

Joke #10 (Guest Joke by Jeremy Hornik) - "Though much more daring in design than their American counterparts, Italian automotive interior designers totally misunderstood the actual purpose of the cupholder."

Joke #11(Guest Joke by Jeremy Hornik) - "Well, boys, the Yale Science Club has its first prototype of a robot woman. Look! Boobie clocks!"

Joke #12 (Guest joke by Craig F.) -  "Now turn your head and cough".

Joke #13 (Guest joke by Sue) - "Take a good look at these bodacious dials, boys. They're the closest you're ever going to get to manipulating ANYTHING that looks like a breast!"

 

UPDATE! Due to overwhelming commenter demand (one guy), we are posting the entire ad. "Is it real science?" As real as an ad gets, Mr. Pryor.

Westinghouse Roll-Out Washwell - Dish bin.

Sorry for the gap in posts. My brother selfishly chose to get married this weekend, ignoring the needs of the blog  completely. The P.A.G. staffers responsible for filling in for me have been sacked and made fun of. We are now reviewing applications for new backup snarky jerks, to prevent any further gaps in wiseass remarks about old pictures.

I sometimes wonder why more freezers and dishwashers aren't bin-shaped, like this Westinghouse Roll-Out Washwell dishwasher.

In the case of freezers, it would retain cold air much better, since cold air is heavier than warm air. Pulling out your freezer "drawer" wouldn't drop the temperature of the freezer by twenty degrees, like it does with a door on the front, which dumps it's cold air all over your feet when you go in for an ice cube. For dishwashers, it'd be much easier to seal against water leakage, I would think. The evidence is clear that they've pretty much got the door-type dishwashers figured out. I've never had one that dribbles water around the door seal, and that amazes me. Sometimes engineers figure things out without any help from me. The audacity.

Americans, despite their claims of loving freedom and, and creativity, are terrified of any new idea, and habitually retreat from any true innovation, to hide behind convention, where they can then continue professing their deep love of innovation from a position of safety. This dishwasher looks too much like a trash bin, and as such, would not sell well among open-minded Americans. Did it do well in 1950? Who knows? But, you don't see many designs like this any more, and sealing a huge door on the front of the machine is way harder than a simple bin shape with a sealed lid. There's got to be some reason we do things the hard way.

That kid's pretty funny, poking the waste disposal to see if it's hot or something. Time to make fun of him.

Joke #1 - "Well, lady, I'm not sure what's causing your problem. The motor's still good. the seals haven't failed, and the wiring checks out. Whatever the trouble is, I think it's something to do with girls, which are icky. Three hundred seventy five dollars, please."

Joke #2 - "Hooray! Daddy says I'm just like him now! It didn't hurt, and I got to have ice cream! My 'fore-skin' is in there."

Joke #3 - When he misbehaved, Timmy was placed in the cabinet under the sink, where he listened to his friend, the disposal, grumbling away about nice things like revenge..."

Joke #4 - "When I grow up, I want to be a Westinghouse Waste-Away Food Waste Disposer. Daddy says I'm going to be a choreographer if it kills me. Mommy wants a divorce."

Joke #5, from Sue! - Little Johnny spent the evening looking for the peas he saw Daddy shove in the disposal. If he could only find the goods on the old man....

Benedict Peas - A vegeteble betrayal.

Here's an ad from Picture Post magazine, which you will recall is an English magazine. This ad is from 1948, and wants us to buy canned peas. Ugh. I frikkin hate peas. They smell like underpants and each one is a little plastic bag of mush that bursts when you bite it, spewing it's load of fecal paste all over your tongue. But, this was England shortly after WWII, and people were probably thankful for what they could get.

Strangely, the label seems a little proud and a little ashamed of the word "processed". They handle the text in that lawyer-ized "we don't want to say 'processed' but the law says we have to" kind of way by making it small and tucking it up above "peas". They also make it the same length as the word "peas", which helps it to go unnoticed, because it doesn't jump out at you the way it would if it were a different length. In America, we'd just stick "processed" down below, or better yet, round the back of the can where you're more likely to read it after you've payed for them.

It's not like "processed" means anything. It could just mean the peas have been chosen for uniform size, and cleaned of stems and other unwanted materials. But people expect their food to seem like they're eating it right out of the ground, even when it's spent a few weeks in a can on a shelf. People are unreasonable.

My dad liked peas. He'd have them as an evening snack while watching TV. No bowl or heat required. He's crack open a can of peas and eat them with a fork, right out of the can, watching M*A*S*H. Yep. Dad was in the army. My guess is this is where he learned to stomach canned peas under the least appealing conditions.

The nutritional claims made in the ad are not convincing to me. I'd rather eat four times the volume in mashed potatoes. I'd rather eat seven times the peas' volume in carrots. Make me eat peas and you'll get three times the peas amount of vomit on your table. Put me through a war and half starve me for a few years and I may sing a different tune, but for now, that's my decision.

Hammond Solovox - An app for your piano.

I'd never heard of the Hammond Solovox until I flipped the page and saw this 1950 ad. So, it's time to do some more technological archaeology. Team GO!, ... to the internet!

"Our piano was almost forgotten - 'til dad gave us this Christmas present!" Any technological novelty may enjoy a brief period of excitement - even one you screw to your piano. The Solovox was one of the earliest synthesizers, and certainly one of the very first that could be purchased by consumers.

The Hammond Solovox attempted to add some capability to a standard piano by mounting a small electric analog synthesizer underneath the piano's keyboard. It could produce just one note at a time, so chords were an impossibility, which is what they mean by "SOLO-vox" the term "solo" is still used today to describe a patch in a synthesizer intended to be used for single melodies over chords played by another instrument.When you dial up one of these sounds on a modern synth, more often than not, the synthesizer will only produce one note at a time, nomatter how many keys you press. This is intended to mimic the functionality of old instruments as well as conventional ones. A flute, for example, can only do one note at a time.

There were two main components to the Solovox: the keyboard and the sound generator unit, connected by a few cables. Sounds were produced by an oscillator, tubes, and a speaker. The tone cabinet is very shallow, clearly intended to fit underneath the piano without kneecapping the musician. The sound is something like a viola with a bad cold. The Solovox's keyboard (or "manual" in organ-speak) could be played with either hand, thanks to what looks like a limited amount of horizontal adjustability. Twelve square toggle switches on the front of the keyboard changed the voice of the Solovox to simulate anything from an unhealthy viola to a sick cello.

I can't find any pricing info for the Solovox, but it was produced from 1940 to 1948. I'll assume it cost a crapload of money, making this a toy for the rich, or a well-funded church.

"But what about MY Christmas present?" says Mom. "Doesn't anybody want to try the trombone?

I can't deny the fun of having more than one sound under your fingers. Years ago, I had a pile of terrible Casio-grade electronic keyboards, and I used to put one on top of the other so I could play them simultaneously in different combinations. This is really fun, and teaches you how waves overlap and effect each other. Now that I'm a big man and have a few shekels to spend on my hobby, I have a big Roland workstation. It's a very powerful instrument, which lets you do almost anything you can think of, including splitting the keyboard into two different instruments. technically, this is the same as having two keyboards, but it's just not as quick or fun as dialing up two sounds on different devices and hearing the sounds pulse against each other to make a new sound that, combined in your ear, exists only in your head. Wooo. Freaky!

Tabcin - Diane's mouth mountain.

Just like low-budget TV (i.e. Svengoolie), cheap ads are often the the most amusing. This ad for Tabcin is a tall and skinny job with one spot color and a bizarre rendering of a woman about to sneeze. I guess Tabcin was a prehistoric pain reliever. Either the pills came in teeensy little bottles or Tabcin pills were the size of milk duds. Anyway, this weird little picture needs the business. Begin!

Joke #1 - Tabcin now comes with a patented Grief Napkin in every box. The Tabcin Grief Napkin is made from baby-soft fibers and absorbs most major negative emotions, like despair, melancholy, sadness, fey, anger, sexual avarice, fury, misery, "the blues" (for our "rural" customers), rage, depression, satire, and communism.

Joke #2 - Diane awoke with a start. Ants! She could feel them crawling around in her stomach. She didn't know why she chose to have a nap in the back yard. She had no idea why she thought it was a fine idea to sleep next to this anthill... with her mouth open. She felt like a fool. All this feeling and thinking was making her light headed.She needed to have a rest. Hmm. That beehive looks like a comfortable place to sit down.

Joke #3 - The winter comes alive at Alpine Valley ski resort! New for the 2010-2011 season: Mouth Mountain! Your kids will feel like they're skiing and/or sledding right through a woman's head! TWIRL down her semicircular canal! SWOOP through her sinuses! ZOOM over her- oh never mind. Just fly to Aspen.

Joke #4 - The expedition wasn't going well. Three more men were lost in the sandstorm two nights ago. Doctor Ferdstrom now had reason to doubt his own senses. They had scaled a sand dune leading into this colossal woman's mouth. The team was dying of thirst, and there were pools of enormous saliva here. If it turned out to be a mirage, they could be drinking the sand itself- a fatal mistake. It had to be real. Why would they all share the same unearthly hallucination? He addressed the team. "Gentlemen, we will shelter here in this really huge woman's head.It is well known that hyenas and other predators are active in the night, so we will make our camp up there in the nostrils. We can ascend with grappling hooks and ropes. Men take the left nostril, and the ladies of our group shall occupy the right, for privacy's sake. Be sure to stake yourselves to the face of the septum or you may be dislodged. She may have hayfever. Also, she looks like a 'picker', so sleep lightly and be ready to move."   -Excerpt from "Voyage to the Really Huge Head", Jules Verne's failed comeback novel.

Joke #5 - Diane hated losing bets. She had disappointed her guests and let that mischievous Margaret Binchfirth get the best of her. Her dinner party was ruined. Diane could not, in fact, empty the entire salt cellar into her mouth. Defeated, she let the salt run from her mouth onto the table, where it would soon blend with her own salty tears. Gary wouldn't even meet her gaze. This was the worst anniversary she ever had.

Joke #6 - Ad seen in Modern Eating Disorder magazine. "Dr. Skinnyton's Dribble-Free Puke Chute".

Joke #7 - The party had beaten the Lady Beholder down to half it's hit points, and they could taste victory. But tasting defeat in the air, the Lady Beholder unleashed it's fearsome breath weapon, the Ray of Misery. 8 d12 of damage in a 30 degree cone radiating 45 feet from the creature's mouth. Save versus cold for half damage and a really bad headache.

Greyhound - Relax, with gritted teeth.

Here's a 1954 Greyhound ad featuring a really nice painting of a terrified woman making an escape from some wintry hell, by the skin of her teeth. The gritted teeth are a parody of a real smile. She's looking out the corner of her mouth, hoping not to be recognized. Her back is straight as a broom handle. The ad says "relax", but she's clearly scared to death... of what? Let's investigate.

Looks like she's afraid of that boy outside pulling the sled. What's on the sled? Could be a kid in a red snow suit, or the flayed corpse of one of his playmates? I think that's the only reasonable assumption.

Or the sled's passenger could be a simulacrum of a kid in a red snow suit made from a pile of beef cutlets. That's also the only reasonable assumption. Either way, the kid waving at the bus is bad news.

This reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode, "It's a Good Life" that featured Billy Mumy as a spoiled boy with god-like powers that held an entire town in a grip of terror. He turned his dad into a jack-in-the-box. This sled-pulling boy must be similarly terrifying. How did this lady manage to get on a bus and make her escape? Barely. That's how. "Hey lady! Dont'cha wanna go sledding with me and my new brother, Lil' Beef? After that, we're gonna have a cookout, ha ha!"

See the wonderful amenities Greyhound provides for the passenger escaping a nightmare scenario...

1. Wall-mounted vomit duct, for when the offal piles up a little too high and your stomach lurches.

2. Bulletproof, zombie-resistant Pana-View windows give you a clear view of the carnage.

3. Never-Flex seats favor the posture of rigid horror. You can slouch when you're dead.

4. Patented armrests are extra-pliant for easy nail-digging.

5. Some kind of bagel-based suspension.


I'm definitely booking Greyhound for my next apocalypse.

Zenith Black Magic - Huge sign.

Here's a fairly gorgeous painted ad for Zenith's Black Magic line of TVs. The artist is uncredited, but it looks like Haddon Sundblom to me. Since the ad ran in the Dec 5th issue of Look magazine, Christmas ads are plentiful. This ad shows us an apparently well-to-do couple having guests over to watch their new TV... sort of like a party. I guess that makes sense. A TV like this was pretty impressive in a 1950 home. It'd be like having a holographic TV today. You bet you'd invite your friends over to see it.

This TV set is called "Black Magic", which is surprising to see. It's hard for me to imagine any product making it to market today with a name like that. In 1950, Exotica was still a popular trend in music, and imagery of primitive cultures was fun to play around with, so maybe that explains the name. If LG marketed a TV called Black Magic this year, the factory would be burned to the ground by devout Christians wishing to promote the brotherly love, peace and understanding taught to them by their "holy book".

Speaking of factories, Zenith was a big presence in Chicago, and had a huge distribution center out on the west side, right off I-294, in Northlake. I drive past the old Zenith sign every day on my way to work. The gigantic sign was a Chicago landmark for years, but Zenith was bought out by LG in 1995, and by 2007 or so, the sign went out. To give you some sense of the sign's scale, each of those bulbs is an industrial flood lamp, which are about the size of a grapefruit. It must have been expensive to run. Here's a picture of the Zenith sign on Flickr in a still-functional state.
 You can still see the sign in Google maps, here...


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The ad also briefly mentions "Phonevision". "What the hell is/was Phonevision? Hurry up and tell me, you jerk!" you say? Calm down, I'm getting to that. It was Zenith's pie-in-the-sky attempt at pay TV. That's dreaming pretty big  for 1950. Basically, you'd call Zenith and ask for a movie, then Zenith would send your set-top box a signal, via the phone line,  that would allow it to descramble the signal. A $1 charge would appear on your phone bill, which comes out to about $9 today. Phonevision was first  tested in Chicago, and then here and there around the world, but never got any real traction. Nice try, Zenith. People just weren't ready for pay TV.