Anacin - Relief for evil eyebrows.

Businessmen, housewives, evil scientists, do you suffer from tense nervous headaches brought on by your unfulfilled desire to take over the world? Sure. We all do. But did you know that, for your day-to-day megacrime-related aches and pains, Anacin is better than aspirin?

That's right. Anacin contains not one or two, but a combination of medically proven ingredients. Anacin acts to (1) relieve pain, letting you concentrate on completing your ultimate doomsday device, (2) calm nerves, making you much less likely to murder one of your own minions demanding to know why you are surrounded by fools, and (3) fight depression when some leotarded pansy manages to save the city by destroying your secret subterranean laboratory. And Anacin does not upset the stomach, even those lined with titanium, or those with a polycarbonate viewing window implanted in the abdominal wall.

Anacin does all these things better than aspirin...

-Does not suppress rage-related periods of monsterism.

-Clears the mind of contrition, mercy, introspection, cajolery, and other pathetic, weak human emotions.

-Does not interfere with hypnotic mind powers or laser eye-beams.

-Helps to shield the mind from outside influences like telepathy and mind reading.

-Helps to maintain clear, accurate clairvoyance.

-Acts fast to relieve pain without suppressing paranoia, suspicion, and veiled, boiling resentment towards even the staunchest of allies.

Anacin is available without an evil doctor's prescription, not because you probably are one, but because it's safe, and that's something you can count on for your whole sinister family. Keep some Anacin in your medicine cabinet in your underground bunker or hollowed out volcano, won't you?

More marvels of ingenuity, again.

More marvels of ingenuity today. Hurry back to 1948 and get yours now. Who knows how long supplies will have lasted?

This Convenient hand-held air horn was developed for the musician on the go, or those born without a mouth or head. Powered by a tank of compressed air, it allowed the user to create music as easily as firing a rifle. Lengthy performances, such as Wagner's Ring Cycle required additional air tanks to be recharged and swapped  by a roadie while the musician paused to argue with the director.

Mask heats face. Used to treat neuralgia, neubrunswick, and Excessive Dignity Syndrome. Alternate version soon available for the attractive.

Radio Truck

Joke #1 - Colonel! I'm getting a signal. Yes, I think the convoy is approaching. The trucks are getting veeeerrrry close now.

Joke #2 - The Bose Quietcomfort 3 headphones identify and reduce outside noise so effectively, this military personnel transport vehicle becomes nearly inaudible, so you can enjoy rich, accurate sound reproduction or silent tranquility. And while supplies last, each pair of Bose Quietcomfort headphones is shipped in this limited edition collectible military personnel transport vehicle.

Joke #3 - "This roast is so tender, dear. You must have marinated it for days. Can you pass the butter? Over. Ksshhhht".

Joke #4 - In response to unfavorable news leaks about the Foxconn factory where Apple products are manufactured under sweatshop conditions, Steve Jobs demonstrates the new American-made iPad tablet computer. Miniaturization has since become a problem.

Joke #5 - "Pancakes reported as fluffy and piping hot. Engaging syrup in three, two, one... engaging syrup now. Beep."

Joke #6 - Having abandoned the idea of small devices with high storage capacity, Steve Jobs demonstrates the new iPad, which boasts a generous 16 inch touch screen and holds over 2 gigabytes of data, easily housed in this convenient console and transported in this stylish truck. Battery is non-removable. Case not included. Cables sold separately. Does not support Flash.

Joke #7 - ...and for a limited time, each pair of Bose Quietcomfort headphones comes with a CD of engine noises from this military personnel transport vehicle, which you can enjoy without being disturbed by the engine noises of this military personnel transport vehicle.

Craig's addition:
Joke #8: Marvin Finkel demonstrates musical range of the DeuceandaHalfophone, an easily transportable musical instrument suitable for rock and/or roll.

Testing Apparatus

Joke #1 - Seen here in our PA department, the condom tester can wear -  and test - four prophylactics at once. Some of the guys call it "the luckiest machine in the lab".

Joke #2 - For the discerning hot dog connoisseur, our premium franks are precision extruded from the finest animal paste. Their ends are then machined to near mathematically flawless hemispheres. Our hot dogs deliver the purest cased meat experience, thanks to our continuing research in wienology.

Joke #3 - Our #26 Heavy Joint Pins are nearly complete. To optimize the metal's crystalline structure, they're about to be dipped into four of the six cryogenic bath receptacles to improve strength. Two of the cryogenic bath receptacles will not receive Heavy Joint Pins. That's because those cryogenic bath receptacles are uglier than the others.

Joke #4 - Seen here in our PA department, the condom tester can wear - and test - four prophylactics at once. Only in the last year have we had the technology for this machine to perform this test without our "back seat of an '85 Monte Carlo" simulator.

Joke #5 - Inside the development labs of the American Dildonics Corporation. Winner of the Chicago Chamber of Commerce's 2009 "most stolen sign" award. Previously held by Precision Enhancement Numerics Integrated Solutions.

Joke #6 - Here in the Hillshire Farms research kitchens, four juicy, savory experimental sausages are about to be dipped into sample reservoirs of our new "Temptacious" sauces. The tester will then manually eat the sausages and report his findings to the Deliciousness Panel. Personnel in this position are now rotated monthly, after numerous insurance claims associated with obesity, congestive heart failure, and Spontaneous Wisconsin Accent Syndrome, dontchaknow.

Joke #7 - A rare look inside the labs of the Suggestively Shaped Instrument Testing Facility at St. Immature University's Giggle Suppression Foundation.

Postum - Makes a man out of you.

There's a Simpson's episode in which Homer takes over Smithers' job as Mr. Burns' assistant. During a montage of Homer's failures in this capacity, burns can be seen spitting out a drink and shouting "You call this Postum?!" That was the first I'd heard about Postum. Then a keen-eyed associate from the Phil Are GO! Obsolete Foods Alert Squad dropped this ad on my desk. Hey! Postum! How bout that? Closely followed by "WTF?"

Postum was a coffee substitute manufactured by C.W. Post from 1895 to 2007, so you just missed it. Post, as you may know, was a misguided health wacko who believed coffee was "unhealthful" and things like electrocution, colonic irrigation, and sexual abstinence were good for you. A film called The Road to Wellville is recommended viewing. It features the Battle Creek Sanitarium, which was run by John Harvey Kellogg, but Post visited the place due to illness, and became a believer.

So, yeah... Postum. Coffee was scarce in World War II, and Post came up with this stuff as a "healthful" replacement.It was made from roasted grain and molasses, for the most part. The drink was hot and brown and tasted like....? Well, since the stuff can't be had any more, I had to search for descriptions of the experience. The best one I found was this:

"a sort a liquid burned toast with a hint of molasses flavor"

Yep. It sounds gross, but then I think coffee is gross, so can it be worse? I prefer my toast in toast form, and also non-burnt, so why would I choose to drink it? I drink coffee, but the way I prepare it, it's so heavily flavored with swiss miss or what have you, that it may as well be the five-dollar sissified stuff you get from Starbuck's... just way cheaper.

For the truly curious/courageous, I found a recipe to make your own. Somebody reeeeeally loves their liquid toast...

HOMEMADE "POSTUM"

1 qt. fine ground wheat 1 pt. coarse ground corn meal 1/2 c. molasses or dark syrup Mix the wheat, corn-meal, and syrup. Rub them in the palms of the hand until it is well mixed. Put it into shallow baking pans and brown in a slow oven until it is a rich dark brown. It must be stirred often for even browning. Don't try to hurry the process or it will burn. When it is done, cool and store in a sealed jar or canister. Use like any cereal coffee. I use 2 tablespoons coffee for each cup and a half of water. It may be boiled or it can be made in an electric coffee-maker.With hot milk this makes a nice evening drink.

But look who drinks Postum! It's Mrs. Smeagol! Maybe she had such a hard time coming down off The One Ring that she's a little gun shy about addictive substances now? So, Postum it is, for the recovering Gollum in all of us. Hmm. She also could be President Eisenhower. Also Mr. burns.

And look. Bluto's attempts to disguise himself as a woman never fooled me in the Popeye cartoons, and they don't fool me now. Hmm. Could be Richard Kiel, too. In any case, that's a MAN, man!

 Looks like Postum puts hair on your chest after all. The boy in the picture? He's a two year old girl.

Institute of Applied Science - Be a scallowag catcher.

Attention, citizens! Are you tired of having your valuables burgled from your very person in broad-daylight? Are your jewels and victuals being stolen from your premises while you are away? YOU can become a Finger Print Expert at your home, in your spare-time, and put an end to these distasteful treatments!

Observe the picture of Operator 38, a metropolitan solver of mysteries and catcher of miscreants! Imagine the thrilling, mysterious life you could lead, after acquiring your training of a similar nature!

The Institute of Applied Science will train you to be a Finger Print Expert of Identification. Your confidential reports will be used to apprehend Scallowags, Villains, Pilferers, Scoundrels, Cads, Bounders, Ruffians, and Ne'er-do-wells.

Write for reports and free "Blue Book of Crime". Learn how YOU can frequent alleys, docks, public houses and neighborhoods of ill repute. Learn the arts of skulking, sneaking, peering, as well as the defensive science of pugilism!
Kit includes cane and mustache. Free cuff links!

Vic-20 - Believe your eyes.

Poor, poor computers. Due to the basic reality of Moore's law, the laughability of old computers progresses in direct proportion to the power of new ones. As much of a superstar the newest, powerfulest machine is right now, it'll be the butt of jokes in, say, twenty years or so, when someone comes across advertisements proclaiming it's power.

Those CAN'T be actual Vic-20 screens, you lying bastard! The graphics are hyper-real! Actually, they're not too bad for 1983, considering that your TV's remote probably has more computing power than a Vic-20.

Click the image to enlarge, and anyone over the age of twenty should be able to name the games being ripped off here. From left to right, they look like Galaga, Defender, Something with squares in it, and Donkey Kong Junior.

The airbrushed eyeballs at the top are pretty terrible. Remember how everyone in the eighties was convinced that airbrush was the ultimate medium? Here's an example of a bright-eyed young artist trying his hand at sprayed art. Ug. Shading human skin requires a lot of different colors delicately balanced. Lots of finesse. This guy painted some salmon orange color and shaded with brown. See the highlight on the right side of the nose there? Never spray white directly onto your base tone. You need to go through a yellowish color before you get to white or the white will look chalky and blue. Ah well, video games were a small industry back then, and Sierra probably didn't pay much.

Sierra On-Line is remembered with a moist eye by many computer game old-timers. They were a husband and wife team who made some of the greatest graphical adventure games like King's Quest. They took the classic text-based adventure game format (like Zork) and added graphics. Since text-based games made your imagination work to create the pictures, adding graphics to stories of similar quality was a big leap in immersion. Compared to pure text, graphics of any kind were mind-blowing. Sierra never leaned too heavily on graphics. They (almost) always emphasized compelling story telling.

So what's with these arcade game knock-offs? I think the popularity of games like Donkey Kong and Defender -  and the sweet sweet cash they earned -  were too tempting to ignore.