Halloween-ish viewing material - Yes, a little early.

It's cooling off in Chicago, and that means Halloween is on the way. Call me crazy, but when it gets to be Halloween, the perfect thing to get me in the mood is documentaries about life in historical England. Maybe it's because, for most people back then, the world was filled with superstition and crazy beliefs. Not like we're living in an age of enlightenment now or anything, but at least the Medievals had an excuse to life in ignorance, and hence, fear. For whatever reason docs about old England fascinate me, but especially so around Halloween.

You can find a lot of really good documentaries on the FaceTube... and I'm not talking about the (mostly) idiotic crap that History Channel runs. The last time I tried finding something to watch on History Channel, I swear I could feel myself getting dumber by the second. No, I mean good ones with actual historical facts and stuff.

Tony Robinson has had a long career in British TV, but lately he seems to focusing on making really interesting historical documentaries with a high educational value as well as entertainment. This is more or less a lost art in here America, but The Beeb is still producing excellent stuff.

It's not clear why, but The BBC doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that there are full-length versions of their shows available to watch on the FaceTube. And, I don't mean the kind of thing where the program is chopped up into ten minute segments to get around the (now outdated) time limit on FaceTube videos. No, the complete show is up there, all in one chunk. So, here are a bunch of his shows that are really good Halloween-season watching. Don't tell anyone, but you'll probably learn something too.

If any of these links go dead for some reason, just do a search on the title of the show. Someone else will have the episodes up there.

The Worst Jobs in History. The series is broken down by eras. First episode is Anglo-Saxon. The second one is Medieval, and so on. Tony consults historians and always has a go himself at actually doing every job. What a trooper. In this scene, he's learning how to wash clothes by stomping them in a bucket of human urine, and he's not using pretend urine. Want to feel lucky? learn about some of the worst jobs in history. Twelve episodes.

Gods and Monsters. Each episode explores a topic of ancient superstition. The undead, witches, etc etc. At left, we see Tony dressed as an Average Tudor Bloke, finding his chicken mysteriously dead. The only logical conclusion? Witches! Five episodes.

Walking Through History, Fact or Fiction. Tony examines stories from history, separating out fact from legend. There is an episode all about William Wallace, whom you may remember from the wildly apocryphal Braveheart  movie. Guess what? The blue face paint (woad), and the kilts? Wallace lived 1000 years after they stopped putting woad on their faces and he was 400 years too early to ever wear a kilt.

Please enjoy!

Post Cereals - Trix or treat.

If anybody from Post Food, Inc. sees what I did in the title, they'd have five simultaneous heart attacks. General Mills makes Trix - not Post. But that just shows you I care more about a decent pun than the health of strangers. I am the worst person in the world.

Cereal for Halloween? I'm trying to think if I would have been as cranked as this little girl to get a single-serving box of cereal for trick or treats, and I think I would be into it... depending on the cereal. It would have to be something desserty and sweet. Froot Loops or Lucky Charms would be great, but Raisin Bran, for example, would go right in the bushes on my way back to the sidewalk, as I didn't develop a tolerance for the stuff until adulthood. Now that I'm a great big man, I shovel the stuff down with gusto. But as a kid, that's a big negative, good buddy.

Pre-sweetened cereals were generally forbidden by mom and when we were allowed to indulge in them at all, they were doled out only as a dessert. Not a bad Idea, IMO. To this day, I'll occasionally buy a box of Cap(apostrophe)n Crunch, to be eaten as dessert. The things drummed into us as kids sometimes stick.

But now that I'm a great big man... handing out single serving cereals for trick or treat? No friggin way. I'm not made of money. Have a "fun size" Twix instead, kid. (Note: Making a candy bar nearly microscopic does not make it fun, dickheads! A "fun size" Twix would be about the size of my leg. Don't get me started.)

The painting in today's ad is by... guess who? His name is only as big as the text on the Sugar Crisp box. Dick Sargent was not shy about his signature. He was also not shy about his attempt to emulate Norman Rockwell. Here's an interesting thing. It's not hard to tell that his stuff is heavily "referenced", as we say. That means he would stage a photo shoot with models posing exactly the way he wants, take a photo and then basically do a painting of the photo. This was not uncommon, especially when you got paid by the job, not by the hour. Anyway, that's not the interesting part. The interesting part is that he seems to basically use a flash when he takes the photo. Look at the lighting on the people in the picture. They're lit from directly behind the viewer, as if he just used flash, instead of positioning lights around the scene for more naturalistic lighting.

These people are floating over the sidewalk like they were pasted in from another painting. No drop shadows at all. WTF, Dick? They're outside in daylight, but the light source for the people seems to be about six feet off the ground, right in front of their noses. Freshman art lesson number one; Consistent light sources. These people might have been Photoshopped into the scene, if it had existed then. Maybe he was in a hurry?

Looking at the rest of his stuff, it seems to be his style. Almost everything is lit from the front, with no cast shadows at all. This makes for a sort of flat, cartoony look that kind of bugs me. Why try to paint something photo-realistically and then (in my opinion) ruin it with flat, artificial lighting? Maybe it was just faster or simpler (read: more profitable)? I dunno.

See? I knew you could do it, Dick. Try to pay attention to the light source all the time.

Just don't tell Dick Sargent what I said about his stuff or his wife will put a spell on me. She's a witch, you know.

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Bulmer's Cider - Apple season.

Maybe your family likes to go out into the crisp autumn air and go apple picking. After the excitement and arguing, bickering and possible whining of taking the family out, you deserve a nice drink of cider. In fact, screw the apples. Just go buy some cider.

Here in America, various kinds of "hard cider" are all the rage in your liquor aisle now, but England has been hep to the jive for some time. This ad for Bulmer's is from 1947, for example. There's an annoying brand I see in the stores a lot now called "Angry Orchard" that, in typical American advertising fashion, has an evil grinning apple tree on the label. Americans can't resist trying to make everything all badass or "extreme", even when it's something that's basically a candy-flavored alternative to beer. The only time Americans seem to exercise a little tasteful restraint is when in comes to tasteful restraint itself.

The English, as always, do it without the shoutiness of a cartoon woodchuck or angry tree. Strongbow comes to mind. Bulmer's has a nice simple label, too. And, as it turns out, they're still around.  Good for them. Cider is pretty yummy. But because of the sweetness, drinking more than one is a bit of a push for me. Still good, though.

Did someone say they need clip art of a guy polishing off a rock glass? No? Well, go and ask everyone until someone says "yes" just to make you go away. Maybe this thirsty dandy can be useful for your next party invitation. Right click him into a nice long nap on your hard drive. You're welcome.

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Fix-it Cat

Joke #1 -  "Darn it, Mr. Piffles, I told you I'll fix you after lunch, now go away."

Joke #2 -  "Saturday Night Live's tenth un-funniest recurring sketch of the nineties: Toonces, The Cat who Could Fix a Radio."

Joke #3 - "Darn it, Mr. Piffles, I want to cut the green wire. Go defuse your own bomb."

Joke #4 - "Darn it, Mr. Piffles, if you don't stop bothering me, we'll never get mother defibrillated."

Joke #5 - "No way. These are mine. Use the wire cutters I got you for Christmas."

Frequent flier Jim D. sent us joke #6. Thanks, Jim! - And at that moment, Mr. Piffles saw the error in letting "I should get a boat" become "I should build a boat."

Also frequent flier Mrs. Bug gave us joke #6. Thanks, Mrs B! - Mr. Piffles: Bob, I'm telling you if you keep cutting those wires, you'll never get that Acme Space Modulator working again. You need to resolder your inputs into the transponder and THEN run the power off that.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

Cutex Coral Ice - Every woman's fantasy....?

Lady stuff news now, from 1957! Listen up. Ladies have weird fantasies, if Cutex's marketing team is to be believed! It's the Late Fifties, persons! That means the Swinging Sixties are just around the corner! Women are becoming more empowered or something, but not really. There's nothing that lights up a girl's imagination like a new color. Have you heard, girls? There's a slightly new shade of pink available! Find a wall and run straight through it to your local drug store shrieking for the new cosmetics or you'll murder everyone in the place!

Every girl's fantasy. A new shade of pink. A reflective krinkly void (probably aluminized Mylar), and a tiny man imprisoned in a block of ice. Am I right, girls? And hat (which I have just been reminded is call a "boater"), designed by "Mr. John".

A guy who calls himself "Mr. John" designs hats? I must have had him confused with the "Mr. John" who spearheaded the engineering team behind the Saturn V rocket, or the other "Mr. John" who composed all those symphonies about valkyries. But nope. Apparently this "Mr. John" was a no-holds-barred hat-designing superpower who took a straw hat, and had the insight to  wrap some pink stripes around it. Thank God you're here, Mr. John. What would humanity do without you? I'm sure your hat designs were among our achievements inscribed on the Voyager golden record.

But back to the weird little scene in this ad. Is the man in the icy tomb supposed to show us that the color of the woman's outfit has turned him on to the extent that he's frozen? I thought fire was supposed to represent sexual ardor. Ice is usually used to symbolize hostility, or lack of affection. Maybe the pink color is supposed to be the only thing cool enough to put this horn dog on ice? Do women want that? Clearly the woman in the ad isn't trying to AVOID men's attention. She's all tarted up in the swimsuit and the revolutionary hat and several pounds of eye makeup. Why would she resent the attention of the guy in the really nice suit? She wants him to want her, and she wants him to be punished for wanting her? She wants him to lust for her, and then she wants him to suffer? Hate and yearning rolled into one poisonous Cinnabon  of confusing misery. Hmm. This ad betrays a pretty effed up portrayal of a woman's fantasies. I'm afraid to admit his is starting to make a lot of sense.

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LaSalle Extension University - The pinchworthy future you deserve.

Career news now, from 1960. The news is this: accounting is where it's at, man! Stop getting hassled by the man and come get a little shagged. Account!

You're sitting there thinking that the ad biz was the only biz where everybody swung and got some sugar under the desk. Nuh-uh. Accounting, baby! Observe this vibrant young go-getter going and getting himself some sweet boob action. See? he can tweak nipples all day long and not get in trouble because The Sixties, baby! Mef, you naughty boy, you're lucky you don't sue yourself for sexual hostile workplace or something. But what am I saying? It's The Sixties! Mef can molest himself all day long and still get a paycheck, because everyone just thought that's how it was. Those were the days.

Become an accountant, for the nipple-pinchingly good career you deserve.

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Elephant Pants - Tailoring: How to Begin

It's been a while since we heard from our old friend The Seventies, so let's catch up with our favorite always-hungry always-sleeping-late good-judgment-having primered-van-with-a-mismatched-door-owning friend to see what's new in The Seventies. Today, let's learn about making your own clothes in 1975!

To look smart, pants must fit properly. The advantage of making pants yourself is that you can adjust them to your body contours, or completely ignore them, for that "my legs are made of traffic cones" look that everyone is simply mad about.
The pattern sheet explains how to fit and construct these basic pants, using an ordinary church bell as a form, in case you can't find a tape measure. Sizes C and E are given on the pattern sheet, so you know where to ignore them. Sizes B, D, and F are also letters, and have not a lot to do with these pants. See the Body Measurements Chart and choose the proper pattern size to disregard by measuring your hip measurement and forgetting all about it.

Under no circumstances should you loan The Seventies money or allow it to get into your car.

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