9/3/10

1958 Chevy - Road party.

For the holiday weekend, I'll be posting car ads. Labor day is a big travel weekend, and all the "infrequent drivers" will be on the roads, sliding around and waving one arm in panic while talking on their phone with the other. "I'm having a car accident. What are you doing today? Oh, that sounds fun! Hang on, I have to over-correct my swerve and skid into a gas truck..." Dicking around while driving is a huge part of American history. It's our birthright. In this ad for a "1958 Chevrolet", Annette Bening and Dean Jones are whooping it up in their new car with their son, Popeye Doyle, and they're looking anywhere but where they're going. I love sharing the road with people like this.
It's pink. If it belongs to the man, I suspect they're "just friends".
The ad copy is a little weird. They keep talking about "your new Chevrolet", even though the car is clearly a Cadillac, which is a specific Chevy model.. A quick web check shows that Chevy did indeed have several models in 1958, although there was indeed a time when car manufacturers only made one model each. The ad brags about some specific features, which makes it sound like they only make one model. If I were a fan of American cars, I may be able to explain this, but I don't care too much. I do enjoy the way the marketing douchebags named the motor a "Turbo-Thrust V8" even though no turbocharger was available. Aah, branding specialists. They've always been idiots.

Notice the total lack of seat belts in the picture. Seat belts weren't required by law to be standard equipment on American vehicles until 1959, and use of seat belts by children under 14 wasn't made law until 1989. Little Billy sure loves his airplane. He must have dreams of soaring through the air like Superman. If dad doesn't get his shit together and pay attention, Billy may get his wish.

It's a nice painting, though. The P.A.G. Image Forensics and Zoom Tool Department indicates that the signature is hard to read. Possible artist name matches are Augle Bingle, or possibly Gucli  Brugie. I didn't know either of those artists were active in America in 1958... or existed.

UPDATE: Duh. Cadillac is a GM brand, not a Chevy. But, you've got to admit, the badge on the hood of the car in the ad looks an awful lot like the Cadillac logo. In any case, this still doesn't make clear the reason the ad is only promoting the "1958 Chevrolet" when it sure looks to me like an Impala. You just don't see car ads now promoting a car brand. It's always a specific model. But, like I say, ancient American cars don't do much for me, and it's hard for me to tell them apart. Meh.

9/2/10

Advancements in Science

The following scientific advancements are reproduced from the May 1952  issue of Popular Mechanics magazine verbatim. No, YOU shut up.

Self-Powered Blow Dryer Americans may now dry their hair without costly electrical consumption. The bag is fitted over the scalp and hose is inserted in the mouth. To avoid "food smell in the hair", manufacturer recommends drinking Vitalis. Manufacturer of Vitalis recommends not drinking Vitalis. Also effective on those with good posture.

First Artificial Heart Researchers at Cornell have developed the first artificial heart. It only requires a three-man team to operate. Based on a Cummins diesel ship engine block, the "Joy" artificial heart can keep a rabbit alive for up to three hours, and is small enough to be implanted in a sperm whale.

Baby Coaster  A wet baby no longer leaves a ring on a coffee table, moistening pretzels or other snacks. Inflatable baby coaster keeps urine and other liquids neatly pooled under the child, keeping the coffee table clean and sanitary. Larger model available for obese babies.

Automatic Dish-Washer Dishes, plates, cutlery and pepper shakers may now be cleaned more quickly and efficiently thanks to new automatic dish-washer. Dishes are first scraped, moistened, and wiped with a cloth, then brought up to a temperature of one hundred degrees over a boiling tea kettle. Then, dish-washer takes over. Dishes are placed in the hopper for cleaning. One hour later, they may be removed and placed on a drying rack for re-use. Chlorine refills are available from manufacturer. Plate fragments are easily removed from the rubble bin at the bottom of the machine. Price yet to be determined pending annual accounting assessments. Target price is $75,000.

9/1/10

Sportliegh Coats - Not worthy.

Even back in 1949, it was pretty brave for a company to let their product be represented as a charcoal drawing. Maybe there'd be a drawing thrown in as a "lifestyle example", but manufacturers like for their stuff to be seen in photo-real color - usually a painting. They want to see detail and realism.

This ad for Sportleigh coats lets the sketch do the talking for the whole ad. It's a "soft sell" approach that surprises me with its class and taste. These are not things I've come to expect from the ad business.

I presume Sportleigh was a pretty high-end garment maker, judging by their presence in Holiday magazine: the journal of the idle, moneyed elite. They're definitely taking the high road in this ad.
There's some gorgeous work here. The most obvious instinct of a freshman art student learning to draw is to make a drawing indistinguishable from a black and white photograph. Absolute realism. Any mistakes made are made by trying too hard. As an artist matures and grows less ashamed of his or her media (you know - pencil, oils, pastels, etc.) the priority shifts from mirroring reality to actually being artistic. This drawing demonstrates that the work can look like a drawing while simultaneously being faithful and flattering to the subject matter.
The looseness and restraint of the strokes make it seem easy and effortless, but the depth and liveliness of the drawing betray the artists considerable skill. In some areas, of the drawing, the artist has done hardly and work at all, but instead of looking unfinished, it comes off as deft and relaxed. This is an absolute pro at the top of their game.

I'd never heard of Sportleigh before, so just out of curiosity, I did a quick search to find any remaining traces of the company. I've been surprised in the past to find a company still alive and well. Google "sportleigh" and the first link you'll find takes you to  an English site selling what I'm going to call "mom pants". The images there are just catalog pictures, but the contrast between this ad's artistry and the product shots are hilarious.

This pictures lacks a certain elegance found in the old ads.

As usual, it wasn't hard to find more examples of vintage Sportleigh ads being sold as single pages on the web. Some dick is trying to sell a similar ad for ten dollars. I bought the whole magazine for five. I guess if I someday decide to savage my collection of old magazines, I can cut them up and sell off the pictures for ten bucks a page, plus shipping. Everybody needs a backup plan, I guess.

If you buy a copy of The Salmon of Doubt, you'll find all sorts of clever quotes from Douglas Adams' articles for technology magazines and various talks and speeches. In the section where he's talking about trying to make an interactive adventure game called Starship Titanic, he makes a fairly amazing observation on the subject of art, or rather Art with a capital A. I'm going from memory here, but he basically says that most the great art we hold in reverence from periods like the renaissance were just works for hire. DaVinci didn't sit down and say to himself "This morning, I shall create art that future civilizations will marvel at, and then I think I'll have some toast." Most of the time, he was designing something in exchange for money, or making notes on dissections for his own education. Michelangelo painted the Sistine chapel as a professional artist, not as a visionary. We have this image of artists sitting in a tower, trying to create historical treasures and it just isn't true. They were the commercial artists of their day, trying to earn a living using their strongest marketable skill. The Beatles weren't aiming to be the greatest band in history. They were trying to make the best songs they could... just being craftsmen. There's a difference there that I think is really important. The artist who talks about "my vision" or introduces himself as "an arteest" is a pretentious wanker who needs to be avoided, and probably punched.

People seem to lament that there are no great works being created now, that the days of artistic greatness are behind us, but they're looking for oil paintings or frescoes, and that's all old world stuff. If I try to think of inspired works of art that will be remembered in history, I think of Grand Theft Auto 3, and the Honda Asimo. Artists do their best work when they're being paid and have a goal, not when they're sitting in a meadow thinking of their place in history.

8/31/10

Doctor Consultation - Take two pencils and call me.

Joke #1 - I'm sorry, Mrs. Vonbronsonson. I've checked your blood work and you have Dumpyourpantsinosis. Actually, the blood test was just a formality. I could smell you from the parking lot. ...and, you can take that chair with you when you leave.

Joke #2 - According to my pencil, you're both dying of lead deficiency. He says you both need to erase the past and move on with your lives, and try to eat more lead. Also, his name is Mr. Scritchy.

Joke #3 - Hmm. Can't get this one crossword clue. Oh, hello Mr. and Mrs. Turnbull! You both have leprosy. You'll be dead in a week. Hey, before you go off and die all over the place, what's an eleven-letter word for "crass or uncaring"?

Joke #4 - Sigh. This is always the hardest part. Mrs. Buckelhenny, you're pregnant. Perfectly healthy baby. Probably a boy. I'd say he'll be a total brat, though. Whiny, spoiled, mouthy. It's hard to explain, so I've drawn this picture of what kind of bratty piece of shit your stupid kid will be. I'm so terribly sorry.

Joke #5 - Well, Mr. and Mrs. Torso, the procedure was a success. You may have some bleeding over the next few days, but this is normal. All that remains for you to do is to go home and learn to live again, without your legs or pelvises.

Joke #6 - I'm sorry Mr. Grundun. You've already had a vasectomy. There's no such thing as "a backup vasectomy".

Joke #7 - Well, you did pretty well on your test, I guess. You got twelve wrong, though, which gives you both a score of....sixty percent. So, it's cholera for the both of you. I'm so sorry.

Joke #8 - Let's see. Thirty-eight years old. No history of cardiovascular disease. Full head of hair. Non-smoker. Clear skin. Good emotional balance. Subtract for some minor mental abuse. Mrs, Beaman, the blue book value of your husband is seventy-five hundred dollars. Brunettes are in demand this year, so we're prepared to offer you an even eight thousand. Let's go out on the lot and look at some of the new husbands we just got in this week! You wait here, Norman.

Joke #9 - Well, these things are hard to nail down, but your test results are pretty clear. You're both total squares. Repressed, boring, and lacking any sense of adventure. Fortunately, this is 1951, so no one will notice your condition for another fifteen years or so. Congratulations. You can pick up your complimentary Mills Brothers record at the nurse's desk.

8/30/10

Ivory Flakes - I hope it's a stocking.

The Ivory soap company is the hero of overposed models. Once again, they bring us an ad with a woman trapped in balletic reverie.
The woman in the top picture isn't being especially weird. She's just exploring pictures of plants, choosing which one to capture and add to her Skirt of Dead Plants. "Soon I will have THIS plant on my skirt also, and then I will have all the plants in the land, to wear on my Skirt of dead Plants! Except for that funny weed I saw behind the AM-PM Mini-Mart. I must have that one, too! It shall be mine. Curse your security cameras, AM-PM Mini-Mart!"

No, the subject of our derision today is the blissed-out woman being entranced by her stocking. She had to stop, partially dressed, hypnotized by the glory of her perfectly laundered stocking.

Notice that she's dressing on a lighted stage, where living approaches the unreal... for those who think and feel. I hope Rush isn't waiting for her to trigger the smoke machine or anything. With such finely washed undergarments, it could be hours before she snaps out of it. The irony of her working on the stage crew for Rush is that she is clearly not in touch with some reality beyond the gilded cage. Her brain is miles away.
I'm assuming that's a stocking she's holding. It's wrong of me to assume that. She could simply be a reptile-lady marveling at her first molting. "Such a lovely thing is my former skin. What magic brings this feeling of a lower leg, fresh and renewed? How dare I have so many skins, each more tender and smooth than the last? I stand humbled, O nature, O circle of life. I thank you for my molted skin."

Or, maybe she's getting dreamy over one of her husband's enormous condoms? Nah. I prefer the lizard story.

Actually, back in 1951, when this ad ran, seeing a woman in such a state of undress was pretty racy - not much different than the pinups of the time. It would have been a trouser-moistening event, should any man of the time have picked up this copy of McCalls and found the picture, in some vulnerable state."Damn hell, Kent! Lookit her! Why, she's wearing nothing more than several layers of fabric! She's practically nearly nude, in a way! I, uuh, I need to go comb my hair!"

She looks so happy, all spaced out like that. She's definitely getting on with the fascination, the real relation. The underlying theme. The real relation. The underlyyy-ing theeeeeeeme! I wish I still made mix CD's. She'd be perfect cover art for a collection of live Rush tunes, since the picture looks so much like the cover of Exit... Stage Left. The trouble with using live tracks in a mix tape/CD is, you hear the crowd noise changing as one track transitions to another. Fix THAT, ivory flakes!

8/27/10

Little Ads - Dork-it yourself.

Joke #1 - Why build your own mower? Because cutting your foot off is more satisfying when you built the machine yourself.

Joke #2 - I think they meant to say "Kansas City 3, Mow." Huh huh huh.

Joke #1 - Build a SPEEDFLASH. Clearly illuminates the groin of almost any woman.

Joke #2 - "Oops! I did not mean to jump into the air and do a split-kick, but I did it anyway! I hope your speedflash was not functioning properly. I am so naughty.

Joke #3 - Oops! I did not mean to have any clothes on when I jumped into the air and did a split-kick. Can I have my check anyway? I am so naughty.

Joke #1 - "Thanks! Bye bye daddy! I'm off to be a lesbian!

Joke #2 - I think sitting on an Indian motorcycle while making the "how" sign should be grounds for being run over with said motorcycle.

Joke #3 - "No. No need to thank me. It's all in a day's work for Indian motorcycles, and Ban roll-on!"

Joke #1 - New non-electric door knocker no longer need be attached to woman's face. Can simply be affixed to door. Ivory-colored chime box.

Joke #2 - Tired of shouting when you require your woman? New knocker can be fitted to the door of her storage nook.

Joke #3 - (knock knock knock) "I'm comiiinnng. I'm several inches from the door. I'll be there in a minute!" (knock knock knock) "Just a moment! I'm still a few inches away!"

Joke #4 - Science and mechanics exclusive! We test if "females" respond to auditory stimulus. Also in this issue: how to sand and refinish your female like new!

Joke #5 -  For Rent: Efficiency apartment, lower Manhattan. 0 br, 0 bath, utilities incl. $3500 / mo. Dogs, cats ok."

8/26/10

Kooking Kornir 6 - The incredible, edible meat!

Hey there hungry readers! just when you thought meat was here to stay, meat's back! And it's even more back with the help of those new "microwave" ovens! Can't figure out the buttons? Don't worry! The Magic Chef New Magic of Microwave Magic Cookbook Magic is here to Magic help you prepare your favorite meals Magic in just most of the time it used to take! Magic!

You don't want your beef too lean or it loses that wonderful chin-glistening flavor your family loves. It can be hard finding a cut of beef with a thick enough rind on it to appeal to today's family of eaters. Our "cover girl" was a heifer that lost a hoof in a combine harvester, which left her largely immobile for years... and deliciously tender! No fear of flavorless beef with our bed-ridden Bessie! Just look at that marbling! Rest easy, Bessie! You're only getting more yummy by the minute. Mmm-mmm-moo!


Everyone loves bacon, and simply everything can be bacon-wrapped! From left to right, rumaki, Shrimp in bacon, olives in bacon blankets, bacon oysters, and at the top... bacon wands! Yes, even bacon can be made better with a layer of savory bacon! If you don't like the thought of bacon wrapped around all of your food, you may be bulimic. Fortunately, there are many volunteer organizations to help you recover from your disorder and they'll have you back to bacon in no time!

Sure, meat's great for appetizers, drinks, and entrees, but what about dessert? What's to be done? Can't there be a meaty dessert? YES! At the top, you'll see our ever-vanishing meatcake, with orange sherbet filling, mushrooms, and drizzled donut glazing. Moving clockwise, you'll find our strawberry ground beef tart, made with onions, fresh strawberries, cream cheese, and rocky road. On the left is a two-pound cube of meat, served with green pepper. Dessert is solved!