Paris Afternoon

Joke #1 - Tony let his guard down for a few seconds, but that was just long enough for a tribe of native Frenchmen to dart him with a baguette. Days later, he would awake under a hedge wearing a stripey shirt and a neckerchief, reeking of gauloises.

Joke #2 - The timeless romance of a lazy French afternoon. Gentle breezes, a loaf of french bread, the enchanting honking of motorists and their shouts of "Get out of ze fahking rrroad, idiot!"

Joke #3 - "ttttthhHPP!" Even here in 1949 Paris, and disguised as a tourist, Conan could not hide from Thulsa Doom and his deadly snake-arrows.

Joke #4 comes to us from frequent flyer Monseiur Le FancyChaudBoules_Deux AKA - The Lampwick Bandit. Thanks, mister Boules! - "You'll never steal THIS lampwick!! - Not while I'M on duty!!" screamed Jacques Le Strappe'. " I dare you to try!!" "I'll pummel you with my loaf of day old US bread, if you do!!" he went on. Needless to say, this was Jacques last day on the job. [Editor's note: You might try calling the bread "freedom bread", now that we're in the post-Bush era.  -Mgmt.]

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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White Rock beverages - How's your acid?

So here's a very brief ad that comes tumbling down the tunnel of time from 1937, only to flop on the floor and get stared at by us Future Dwellers. Why? A) Because we've (probably) never heard of the product and B) the health scare they're trying to use on us doesn't ring a bell, so it won't work on us.

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Ah hah hah hah. A man is leaving his family to get a drink that tastes "keen". Well done, 1937. You're killing me. Okay, so White Rock used to be... err,..totally IS a beverage company that seems preoccupied with putting fizz in drinks of various kinds. Fair enough. But then there's the description of the drink "on the alkaline side". What exactly the eff?

Well turns out there actually can be an imbalance of acids and bases in the fluids of the body: "acidosis". But there's a different kind of acidosis for a number of illnesses that can result in too much acid in your inside regions - metabolic acidosis, respiratory acidosis, lactic acidosis, MELAS syndrome, Cytochrome C Oxidase Deficiency, etc. Just about the only one you've ever encountered is a temporary lactic acidosis after you work out. It's what makes your muscles sore, and it goes away in a day or so unless there's something really wrong.

So why would a basically normal guy be running off to get an alkaline drink? Because "alkaline" things like sodium bicarbonate counteract the effects of acid. It can help with indigestion and stuff like that. So, in 1937 or thereabouts, it was a bit of a thing to use the phrase "on the alkaline side" when choosing what to drink, as if there was a constant war in your body between acids and bases, and if you didn't keep them in balance by carefully drinking the right beverage, you would die and your corpse would melt a hole to the center of the Earth with all its acidy guts and stuff. Strange that you don't hear people talking about whether they "feel alkaline" or "acidy" these days. It;s also worth noting that you don't hear of people dropping dead in the street from a sudden assault of acidosis. Yes, it's a real illness, but if you have it, you'll know it, and you probably don't.

Ha ha, what a bunch of suckers those nineteen-thirty-seveners were. They would believe anything. Want a modern analog? Let's see. Which to choose? "Carbs versus protein" was so 2001. What's more current? I know. Gluten. A very tiny minority of people have a metabolic propblem called "celiac disease". If they eat gluten (commonly found in grains), it messes up their digestion and causes intestinal irritation. This leads to malnutrition, pain, and other illnesses. Celiac is hard to diagnose, but once you do, a drastic change in diet keeps symptoms under control. It's a tough diet to stay with but as my celiac-suffering brother says "it beats the alternative".

If your dog had celiac disease, your carpet
would definitely tell you.

So now, idiots with no real problems have decided wheat is the source of all their problems (which they obviously don't have or they'd be dealing with them instead of imagining they're sick), and they must "go gluten free". Surprisingly, this is great news, partly because I'm generally in favor of any strategy to remove money from dumb people, and gluten-free foods tend to be expensive, but mostly because marketers will listen to large groups of people whether they're idiots or not. So because of the gluten-free craze, actual celiac sufferers can walk into almost any grocery store and find a pretty good selection of food items to choose from. Of course, you can buy water proudly labeled as "gluten free". See, if you put "gluten free" on your product, you can increase sales, whether or not it's even possible to have, say, non-gluten-free beef, for example. Thank you, retards, for accidentally making life easier for those who actually have your imaginary adopted disease.


I predict that, in the future, so many bored stupid people will convince themselves they are amputees that it will lead to a boom in the prosthetics industry, making sophisticated cybernetic limb replacement affordable for everyone, including people who actually are missing a limb.

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt. 8 - The courage to drive slowly.

SNAILPACE CONTROL. Just as a pilot's ultimate display of prowess is perfectly level flight, the ultimate demonstration of complete control of your auto-car is moving as slowly as possible. As a new auto-car driver, your fellow roadsmen will understand your skill by how slowly you are capable of moving. They will thank you for driving at a speed so slow that it's nearly impossible to be unsafe. Don't let them down! Keep your foot on that brake pedal. If you're driving properly, you should need new brake linings once a month.

MONITOR YOURSELF. How is your attitude behind the wheel? Would you be ashamed to have a representative from your auto-car insurance company riding with you at all times?

If your attitude is right, you should be proud to demonstrate your slowness and control. Of course, such constant monitoring is impossible, and probably always will be, but try to imagine what your auto-car insurance agent would think of your driving habits. What would you change if he were there all the time, watching and monitoring? Shouldn't you drive like that all the time?

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 7 - Beginning to steer.

Congratulations! You're ready to start thinking about imagining being behind the wheel of an auto-car. But first, some more theory on "steering".

LEARNING TO STEER: Imagine a set of points equidistant from a central point. This is what drivers call a "steering-wheel". When you eventually are allowed to sit in the driver's seat of an auto-car, one of the first things you will notice is that this steering-set-of-points-equidistant-from-a-central-point can be made to rotate in an imaginary two-dimensional plane positioned perpendicular to the steering column around a central spindle, or "turn". "Turning the wheel" will execute a course vector modulation in direct proportion to the direction and amount that the TOP of the steering-wheel moves in relation to the car's chassis. So, if the steering-wheel is rotated such that its upper rim moves to the right, or "starboard" side of the vehicle, that will be the direction that the auto-car will turn.

Please disregard the LOWER rim of the steering wheel, and its apparent direction. Failing to do so may result in unfavorable direction change, or "UDC", and it is also near to your "dirty parts", which are wicked.

Steering Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: "I have rotated the steering-wheel so that the upper rim moves in a rightward direction, but the auto-car has barely altered course at all. Is my auto-car enchanted by Satan?"

A: Possibly. But first, ensure that you have rotated the steering-wheel adequately to alter the vehicle's direction in the required amount. In general, it is helpful to remember this rhyme: "If at first the car won't change direction, turn some more, before assuming demonic infection."

Q: "How many directions can my auto-car turn in? My steering-wheel only rotates clockwise and counter-clockwise."

A: Theoretically, an auto-car can move in any direction, and these many directions can be achieved through strategic application of the steering-wheel's clockwise and counter-clockwise rotation feature. However, one cannot be expected to know the exact combination of steering-wheel direction changes to achieve a complete journey right from the start. Steering is a task that is, to some extent, determined procedurally, in conjunction with the technique of "looking". See Sportsmanlike Driving, Part 1B - Your Vision for more on that subject.

Q: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

A: That's not a question, but  try to steer a different direction very soon.

Halloween Special - A Version of Faust.

Today we bring you a complete story from the 1956 edition of My Book House, Volume 12, a book with a binding so feircly made, The Images and Scanning Them team could not get the pages to lie flat on the Okidata AdequateScan 620, even after being around for nearly fifty years.

This version was printed under the wimpified title "The Story of Faust" rather than The Damnation of Faust, because, you know, kids book. Also, in the end of this version, Faust finds redemption instead of eternal damnation, because kids book. We'll leave it to you to question the morality lesson that desire for knowledge and understanding  is an offense punishable by damnation. Don't get me started.

Anyway, there's some homunculi, dragons, flying pig teats, and Mr. Mephistopheles in tights, so it's not completely devoid of some decent creep factor. The real star of the show are the fantastically weird illustrations by Donn Crane and the even weirder choice of orange and blue spot color.
You're welcome!

Party like it's nineteen thirty nine.

Joke #1 - Hermann Göring's show-stopping reading of his six-part sonnet "I wandered lonely as a verzaubertedecke"

Joke #2 - The 1937 Congress for the International Chamber of Commerce was held in Berlin, where the first six hours were spent debating funding for the "Fantasy Under The Sea Dinner Dance".

Joke #3 - Opening dance number from Berlin Theater Works's performance of "Pardon My Reich".

Joke #4 - "Sometimes a banner is just a cigar."

Joke #5 - "Gott im Himmel! It's called a 'swastika'! Ze next person who calls it a 'bendy pinwheel' vill get a poke in der nose! Just you wait!"

Joke #6 - The presentation of finalist entries in the "Design our Logo" competition at Fox news, 1985. Despite being adored by management, this entry only received an honorable mention, as it was judged to be "a little on-the-nose".

Jim Dillon airlifts Joke #7 to us. Thanks, Jim! - "I've heard of lipstick on a pig, but carnations on a nazi party? This is ridiculous. But seriously, folks, take my reich . . . please!"

Joke #8 is fatally good, and comes courtesy of Commandant Der Ernest Von Scribbler_zwei ( Mrs.) - retired. You may want to only read a few words at a time, whilst listening to the chanting of laments by the men of Q division, just to be safe. Die flipperwaldt gershput! BAH hah hah hah!!!- "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

1966 Chrysler Simca - Feeeeels like the firrrst time.

So you like the Fiat 500, huh? I don't blame you. Even guys can appreciate the shouty angry Abarth version. But apparently this isn't Chrysler's first romance with the Fiat brand, as evidenced by this 1966 ad for a Chrysler Simca. The Chrysler wha? I know. Check it out.

Simca has been owned by a couple different companies around the globe. Such a promiscuous little car! This from Wikipedia:

Simca (Société Industrielle de Mécanique et Carrosserie Automobile) (Industrial Society of Mechanical and Automotive Body) was a French automaker, founded in November 1934 by Fiat and directed from July 1935 to May 1963 by Italian Henri Théodore Pigozzi (born Enrico Teodoro Pigozzi, 1898–1964). Simca was affiliated with Fiat and subsequently, when Simca bought Ford's French branch, became increasingly controlled by the Chrysler Group. In 1970 Simca became a subsidiary and brand of Chrysler Europe, ending its period as an independent company. Simca's history ended in 1978, when Chrysler divested its European operations to another French automaker, PSA Peugeot Citroën. PSA replaced the Simca brand with Talbot and for a short period some models were badged as Simca-Talbots.

Ok, got all that? Me neither. Long story short, Chrysler wanted a piece of the European market in 1958, and liked the look of Simca. By 1970, Chrysler had bought 71% of Simca from Fiat, until the collapse of Chrysler Europe around 1980.

Simca 1200 Bertone. Holy crap, that looks all right! Do want!

At the time, Americans assumed every foreign car was crap. So how was the Simca? Well, over the life span of the company, Simca models won various Car of the Year awards, assuming it wasn't judged on sporting prowess alone. However, there once was a Bertone version that could do 112 mph. There were also Abarth tuned Simcas, just like the Fiat 500.

Want one? Good luck. Ebay Motors is full of bits and pieces, but no complete cars. There's a windscreen for US $1000 if you want to start small, though.

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