Certain-teed - A home I'll be proud to invade.

We here at Go! Towers don't happen to have any soldiers on staff, but we're all pretty sure that it has never been the U.S. Army's policy to parachute soldiers home after a war. In general, paratroopers are pretty much used for invasion. You know... dropping into a war zone.

And so it is that we are left to boggle at the narrative of this ad. Clearly, the soldier is an honest sort of man who appreciates quality construction and great weatherproofing when he sees it - even from seventy-five feet overhead, just before doing a drop-roll into the garden.

"Boy! ...What a honey of a roof!" he says. "It'll be a shame to set fire to it and apprehend the owners. But, we need to eliminate any possible pockets of local resistance. It's the job!"

With joyful detachment, he'll kick in the back door, pausing briefly to admire the new linoleum tile. "On the floor! On the beautiful low-maintenance floor! ON THE FLOOR! DOWN! DOWN! Tell me the spacing of the floor joists NOW! Are they 2x8's or 2x10's? This floor feels NICE AND SOLID! Feels like 12 inches on center, NOW! TELL ME NOW! Who was your contractor!? Can I have his CARD!? GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

 The woman in the yard seems pretty happy to have her house stormed. She's waving almost like she wants to be sure hers is the first house to have a grenade thrown through the patio doors. "Guten Morgen, Soldaten Freund! My knickers are moist with your imminent violation.Whatever you do, please don't force your way into mine bedroom on der second floor, first door on ze right. I'll be helpless to resist your advances. Oh jah, it weel be horrible, See you there."

Wait a minute and hold on a second also. Certainteed (They dropped the hyphen some time after the war.) describe themselves as having a presence in North American markets only. Their site has a French option, because the company is wholly owned by the French company Compagnie de Saint-Gobain SA The soldier's dialect ("What a honey of a roof.") implies a middle American upbringing, so he's very likely supposed to be American. Sooo...a French owned company and American soldiers. Ah! As early as 1943, Certainteed management must have had fantasies about Americans occupying France - possibly as liberators, possibly to set up a puppet government focused on quality building materials and top-notch insulation.

Man, global politics makes my head hurt. I'd rather go back to making up stuff for the lady to say, but with a corrected French accent...

"Allo! Monsieur parachute soldier! My valuables are all safely heedden away in my pantaloons! You weel never find them where I have hidden them, which is also where I keep my naughty bits, so please don't look in there. Yes, that would be verry unpleasant I would say! Perhaps you are looking for Monsieur Heetler, ah? I'm sure I have not seen heem, but if I had, I'm sure he would also be lurking somewhere near my varrious soft parts! Whatever you do, you'd better not set up a camp underneath my frock or I weel have to surrender at you! So don't even try, ah?"


craig f. said...

I'd only cover my roof with "freedom shingles."

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