Schlitzquerade Party - Schlitz you, Schlitz Brewing Company. You Schlitzholes.

It seems like forever that advertisers have been trying to get us to change the way we talk, to support their ad campaigns. There used to be a local radio commercial, here in Chicago, for a car dealer. I can't remember the name of the dealer, thankfully. They were so juiced about their customer service that they wanted you to call their cars by the dealer name, not the manufacturer. The horrible actors in the commercial said things like...

-"Hey Bill! Nice Oldsmobile! Is it new?
-"It sure is, Todd! ...but it's not an Oldsmobile, it's a Wanker! So, don't call it an Oldsmobile any more. Wanker Oldsmobile's customer service is so great that their cars aren't just Oldsmobiles. They're Wankers. Call my car a Wanker from now on, or I'll punch you in the nuts. Visit Wanker Oldmobile in Bensenville, on grand Avenue, just under the flight patterns of O'Hare Airport! Just remember to keep your head down as you sprint in the door."

In this dramatization, I have substituted the forgotten dealership's name with "Wanker". But, it could easily be Grossinger, Jacobs, Celozzi-Ettelson, Packey-Webb, McGrath, Rohrman or whatever. Those are some dealerships I can think of.

Eff you, Wanker Oldsmobile. Your retarded and presumptuous commercial is so annoying, I'll be sure to buy my next car from anyone but you, you jagoffs. Enjoy the zero dollars and zero cents you won't be getting from me next time I need a car.

Anyway, this Schiltz ad is hoping for the same thing. They want us to tack on the prefix Schlitz to every third word you use. Your party will need some Schlitzfreshment. Better stock up on ice cold Schlitz.

The artwork here is great, though. It kind of looks like the cartoons you could see on the Disney show on Sunday nights. I'm pretty sure that stuff was produced in the late fifties and sixties, but I remember it from the Seventies, on ABC. The Wonderful World of Disney never ran their features, but you could find all their short-form stuff, like documentaries about nature, and Jiminy Cricket shorts. Or, maybe it was the artwork in the Disney Golden Books I'm remembering?

There is no credit for the artist who did the work in this ad. Nertz. I also tried to find a recording of the jingle in this ad. I figured it was used in a commercial of some kind, but FaceTube came up empty handed. However, I was able to find another of those jerks selling an ad similar to this one for nine bucks. Nine dollars for a page from a magazine. Such a deal. Save yourself about a hundred dollars and just buy the whole magazine for about $6, from an antique store.

I've never had a Schlitz, but I reckon it tastes like beer. I don't know how good it would have to be for me to go all Smurfy with the "schlitz" prefix. I imagine that if I did become "the guy who says Schlitz all the time", my next "Shlitzdig" would pretty much be me, sitting on the couch, wondering when all my friends were going to start showing up. For your convenience, here's the list of words the Schlitz brewing Company would like you to start using in 1957...

-Schlitzquerade
-Schlitzfreshment
-Schlitzball
-Prince Schlitzcharming
-Little Bo Schlitzpeep
-Schlitzlight
-Schlitdig
-Schlitzer
-Schlitzkept
-Schlitzness

UPDATE: Why do the cowboy and the lady in the purple dress appear twice in this ad?

Click for bigness.