Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 1 - The Driver.

Thank you for purchasing a pallet of this fine book (insert school district here). We at the American Automotive Association are confident that this will aid your pupils in learning to drive in the correct American way: Sportsmanlike. As you know from your career as an educator in America, children cannot learn anything unless it is simplified into terms of sports metaphors. (A "metaphor" is similar to a pinch-hitter, who steps up to the plate in place of another player, except with words.)

In Part One, we will discuss The Driver. Here in 1956, We now have complete understanding of The Atom, ever since we discovered it last year. Therefore, it is imperative that we show you a picture of an Atom Corral. Here, you can see The Atom being basted in Neutrons and Gamma Rays by "Atom Ranchers". Once the Atom has roasted for forty-five minutes per pound, it will be ready to destroy all our Enemies. The Atom will never harm Americans, of course, because it respects our American Exceptionalism. Note that cautionary signs must be placed at a distance not less than six feet from the Atom Corral. This is the maximum distance a gamma ray or neutron is capable of traveling. For total safety, visitors to the Atom Corral must stand behind the Cautionary Sign Perimeter. There. Now you are prepared to learn about driving.

You can see from this chart that Americans have adopted the Motor-Car at an angle of nearly forty-five degrees. In 1895, there were four cars, driven by three people per car.Last year, there were over 50 million cars, driven by no persons per car. Clearly, we love cars so much that there are more cars in existence than there are people to drive them. Please visit your town's Car Pound and adopt a homeless car today.

Despite the overabundance of cars, modern redheads still find the time to fight over them. Here is a typical Mormon family of two husbands and two wives in a disagreement over who gets to use the car. If only they would consult their secret golden tablets hidden in a hat that nobody is allowed to see, they would come to understand that they should all share a ride to the laundromat to wash their secret gigantic underwear.

In Fig. 4, it is made plain that, over time, things change and become different. On;y six years ago, our children attended school in little more than a barn, where they learned nursery rhymes from horses and cows. Soon, thanks to the Motor Age, children will be transported to baffling, modern buildings in Motor-Buses. Alternately, children who live on the Moon can park their dirigibles in the school's hangar.

Science predicts that by 1970, cars will become intelligent, and will employ humans to drive them where they need to go. Here we see a Future-Man being paid by his Auto-Car master. Notice that mankind's legs have been fused by the forces of evolution into a single appendage, because in the future, nobody will ever walk anywhere, except perhaps cars, who will evolve arms and legs for some reason.


Steve Miller said...

Caution: I Brake for Neutrinos.

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