Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 3 - Your Driving Impairment.

One of the greatest hazards to driving in a safe, unimpaired manner is Impairment. This chapter of Sportsmanlike Driving will instruct you in both kinds of Driving Impairment, so that you may be on constant watch for their insidious threat. You may never know when Driving Impairment will strike!




DRIVING IMPAIRMENT TYPE ONE: ALCOHOL!

Drinking and driving an auto-car rarely make a good combination. But how drunk is too drunk to drive? If you've just had three or four martinis, you may be Driving Impaired. However, remember that just one glass of kerosene could also make you an Impaired Driver. Here is everything you need to know in one convenient chart. Please clip out this "1955 drunkenness reference chart" and carry it with you in your car, so that you may always understand if you are too drunk to drive, or just drunk enough to drive very carefully. If your blood alcohol level is .15% or greater, you may be at risk for being an advertising executive. Please think before you advertise.

DRIVING IMPAIRMENT TYPE TWO: JAZZ!

There is a demon on the loose in our youth culture. Listening to subversive, crazy "jazz music" always leads to madness, death, and Driving Impairment. Insidious intoxicants like laudanum and absinthe are common in "jazz culture", and these lead invariably to Driving Impairment. The challenge lies in detecting jazz. Modern Science has given us miraculous new tools in jazz detection.

The man in this picture is being tested for jazz with the use of an "opium bulb". The examining officer offers the "opium bulb" to the test subject. If the subject knows how to use it, then he is a certain "jazz freak", and must not be allowed to drive an auto-car. Also, the officer may search the subject for books of poetry, or an even surer sign: free verse. Poetry is a sure sign of absinthe or opium habituation. Ask yourself. Do YOU enjoy poetry? Do YOU like to write expressively, with no punctuation or adherence to the rules of grammar? Are YOU moved by the wonder of nature? You may be "high" on laudanum, absinthe or opium. You may be Driving Impaired.

DEATH DETECTIVE. Can you spot how this man has died of Driving Impairment?  Look at the cans on the wall, and the curious neighbor in the window. Those cans are full of absinthe - enough absinthe to kill a marketing firm. And look at the neighbor. She has been woken by having her culture subverted. Do you see those jagged noise lines emanating from the car's dash-board? The motorist has died of hateful, crazy "jazz music", and it's chemical influence, before he can even exit his garage!

Other kinds of un-American music present a lesser threat to Safe Driving. Yodeling, or Indian war-whoops, for example, often require you to take a hand off the wheel, leading to Driving Impairment. Stay safe, kids. Listen only to Lawrence Welk or possibly Les Baxter while driving an auto-car.