Kooking Kornir - The Fish Bread Deception

It's summer time, outdoor eaters, and have we got a super fun backyard treat just full of protein and beigeness that your family will possibly just love! Let's pound up a batch of summertime Fish Bread Deception!

Begin by boiling up a couple of fistfulls of crayfish, or jumbo shrimp, or crawbugs or whatever. They're all pretty much just gigantic bugs anyway, and by the time we're done with them, they'll be unrecognizable! Boil the crap out of them!

While the shrimpdads are boiling their crap out, combine some cornicles, lentils, and potatocytes in a lentil-safe frying bowl. Fry on low heat until the lentils make the whole kitchen smell like someone left a shoe in the oven too long. Remove hurriedly from heat when your gorge rises to the top of your neck. After all, we're not serving neck-gorge tonight, so save it for another time!

Combine the vegetable friedness and the crap-out-of-boiled shrimpfish. Allow them to become friends, briefly.

Punish the veggie mix and craybugs with a #9 gauge food-grade punishing mallet. Those giant bugs are ugly as heck, and your ungrateful kids won't eat them if they can tell what they are, so punish eveyone. First, punish the shrimpcraws for being nutritiously ugly, and we'll use them as the key ingredient to punish your family for the pain of childbirth, the loss of your idealism, and that time when you had to have the back seat of your car dry cleaned because of that thing they did. Punish the jumbocraws into a thick veggie-fish paste.

Fry up some tomato juice, adding butter, and a few more riverbugs, if your family likes it chunky style. After they're already eaten, remember to ask them if they would have preferred non-chunky style. Then, add the fish paste, creating an unholy union of summertime cheer!

Wups! We need to thicken it up! Do this by pushing the unholy union through a fish strainer to force out any unnecessary water, leaving only wonderful, nutritive thickened unholy fish paste union.

Now, the fun part! Hollow out a load of bread and scoop the unholy fish paste union into the void.
Be sure to seal the end of the bread with the original breadcap, so it looks completely acceptable.
Serve chilled for a wonderfully healthy sumemrtime vaguely tuna-sandwich-like experience that your
family is sure to possibly appreciate, sort of! Just watch their faces when you slice into this perfectly
normal loaf of bread to reveal your outrageously healthy fish sandwich thing. Your surprised family
will be silent with joy! Hooray for Fish Bread Deception!

Click for big.


Jim D. said...

What a world!

MrsBug said...

Holy fright, please tell me they removed the shells from the Sea Arachnids first before using the food punishing mallet!

Also, this set of pictures would probably be better served in B&W, than color. I don't see anyone Instragramming this. Blargh!

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

Hooray! We broke InstaBook!


Steve Miller said...

Gronk may expect a package of recipe goodness in the near future. Also knitting and fashions instruction for dissemination to the thirsting masses.

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