F.T.D. - Herbophile.

Annual Men Have to Do Some Stuff And Women Too, I guess, Yeah Right day is coming up, and maybe you're a man and maybe you need a reminder not to screw it up. AMHDSWTYR is a day where the guys have to spend  a bunch of money and make a bunch of arrangements to avoid getting the stinkeye for six weeks. There is no way you will be remebered for giving her a great AMHDSWTYR day, but your name will be written in the Scrolls of Remembering in letters of fire if you get it wrong. You can only screw it up or get a pass, and the question is "What's that gonna take?" Screw it up and none of the special surprises you've given her on ordinary days will matter at all. The memory bucket for your good deeds has holes in the bottom, but the one where your mistakes are stored is like tupperware: everything is always fresh. If you screw up AMHDSWTYR day, you're worse than fifty Hitlers with leaky diapers.

You'd better play it safe and just write her an opera about your boundless and expanding love for her eyebrows, but you'd better even more get some flowers too. Enter F.T.D.

This lady loves loves luuuuvs flowers. She might even be dating the flowers. It's hard to tell if the flowers are into it, because they may have just gotten out of a bad relationship with a pair of scissors. But, at least the flowers got her some flowers. Like The Bard said, "If music be the stuff of life, shut up and just get the damn flowers."

These days, you can send flowers over the internet of course, if you must. But, try to get flowers from a local shop and pick them up yourself if you have any choice at all. If you get flowers online, whatever you think you're going to spend on the arrangement will be roughly doubled once you get near the virtual front door, after they've added on all the fees and service charges. So, yeah, try to pick them up at a local shop yourself, and get more flowers for the same money. You're supposed to be throwing money at your significant other, not the flower broker. Top tip right there.

Also, if you live in Chicago, take her to Shaw's Crab House. If that's too expensive, it's perfect. She'll love that you overextended yourself financially in such an unsustainable way. It shows that you're foolish and self-destructive, which is romantic, as long as you do it for her.


Richard Mahler said...

That first paragraph had me laughing merrily - but then I sobered up and thought, "What in hell are you laughing about, idiot? This is the Phil Are Go equivalent of Public Safety Announcement, World Health Organization Warning for anyone who has a Y chromosome!" Contemplation of the ad photo of the woman was even more sobering - more appropriate for a Mental Health Awareness ad than that dog whistle headline: Something warm and human and wonderful happens when you send flowers ... And when you do not ...

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

Boy howdy. An intern dropped this one on my desk and I almost threw it on a shelf until closer to the actual holiday, but what good would that be? We need to remind guys well in advance that the day of their very small pass or gigantic fail is coming up. The time is now. Illuminated blimp schedules fill up fast. Best of luck, my man.


Mat Black said...

I'm glad I married a woman that realizes Valentine's day is a Hallmark holiday.

Jim D. said...

Does she have no tongue? Is she completely hollow? Empty? Her eyes are closed in every photo too. Why? Are they black blanks like her mouth? Valentine's Day is scary!

Post a Comment