Neolite Soles - The greatest gift of all.

This wholesome couple bought their boy some shoes last Christmas. What did he do to deserve that?

"Last Christmas we got practical and included a pair of shoes in Jimmy's stocking." Okay, "included" tells us that it wasn't all he got for Christmas, so they aren't total monsters. But shoes - along with food and shelter - are things a parent is expected to provide for their kids anyway, regardless of holiday gifting. Trying to pass off basic necessities as an exciting Christmas present is some lame parenting, right there. If your kid needs shoes, sticking a pair in their stocking is like giving them a loaf of bread on Christmas morning. "Merry Christmas, Jimmy! Eat up!"

But apparently, Jimmy was over the moon about those Christmas shoes, running up and down the hall in them all the live-long day. Now you know we're in the bullshit world of advertising land. Kids do get clothes for Christmas, but to be honest, when you were nine years old, do you recall being excited to rip open a box only to find a sweater inside? Never. Only the highest-functioning child has enough theory of mind to feign happiness when finding a garment masquerading as a proper present under the tree.

Most kids, being the narcissistic near-sociopaths that they are, it's all they can do to keep from punching you after opening a box of socks. Recall A Christmas Story, when Ralphie and Randy open up some socks on Christmas morning, pausing only to exchange a baffled glance before tossing them over their shoulders and moving on to something interesting, like maybe a clockwork zeppelin.

But "most" is not "all". There are a statistically insignificant number of preadolescents who could, uncoached, conjure a plausible smile and a simulation of polite gratitude in response to a sock gift. In decades to come, it is diplomatic outliers like this that will surely be forging alliances between fiercely hostile nations. Heroes, one and all.

But enough about them. Look at mom and dad. Jayne Mansfield and Ricky Ricardo are apparently married, and never leave the house without a hat. Plus they have their gifts wrapped at the store. So fancy! Also plus, they never let themselves be overlapped by other graphical elements in the ad, making it child's play to cut them out and use them wherever we like. So considerate! Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade... assemble! Pkshow!

Deploy pen tool! - Complete!
Create selection! - Complete!
Feather selection - Complete!
Ctrl/J (or command/J on a Mac, isolating a selection of an image onto a new layer) - Complete!
File / save! - Complete!

Good work, PAGGBPB! Hit the showers, and watch the towel snapping. Someone could lose an eye.

Jayne and Ricky now have a totally transparent alpha channel background, and they're all dressed up to make the scene on your filthy, fragmented hard drive. Get your rude finger ready to right click their brains out in three, two, one, RIGHTCLICKNOW! You're welcome!

Click for big.

Click for big.


Post a Comment