Ivory Flakes - I hope it's a stocking.

The Ivory soap company is the hero of overposed models. Once again, they bring us an ad with a woman trapped in balletic reverie.

The woman in the top picture isn't being especially weird. She's just exploring pictures of plants, choosing which one to capture and add to her Skirt of Dead Plants. "Soon I will have THIS plant on my skirt also, and then I will have all the plants in the land, to wear on my Skirt of dead Plants! Except for that funny weed I saw behind the AM-PM Mini-Mart. I must have that one, too! It shall be mine. Curse your security cameras, AM-PM Mini-Mart!"

No, the subject of our derision today is the blissed-out woman being entranced by her stocking. She had to stop, partially dressed, hypnotized by the glory of her perfectly laundered stocking.

Notice that she's dressing on a lighted stage, where living approaches the unreal... for those who think and feel. I hope Rush isn't waiting for her to trigger the smoke machine or anything. With such finely washed undergarments, it could be hours before she snaps out of it. The irony of her working on the stage crew for Rush is that she is clearly not in touch with some reality beyond the gilded cage. Her brain is miles away.

I'm assuming that's a stocking she's holding. It's wrong of me to assume that. She could simply be a reptile-lady marveling at her first molting. "Such a lovely thing is my former skin. What magic brings this feeling of a lower leg, fresh and renewed? How dare I have so many skins, each more tender and smooth than the last? I stand humbled, O nature, O circle of life. I thank you for my molted skin."

Or, maybe she's getting dreamy over one of her husband's enormous condoms? Nah. I prefer the lizard story.

Actually, back in 1951, when this ad ran, seeing a woman in such a state of undress was pretty racy - not much different than the pinups of the time. It would have been a trouser-moistening event, should any man of the time have picked up this copy of McCalls and found the picture, in some vulnerable state."Damn hell, Kent! Lookit her! Why, she's wearing nothing more than several layers of fabric! She's practically nearly nude, in a way! I, uuh, I need to go comb my hair!"

She looks so happy, all spaced out like that. She's definitely getting on with the fascination, the real relation. The underlying theme. The real relation. The underlyyy-ing theeeeeeeme! I wish I still made mix CD's. She'd be perfect cover art for a collection of live Rush tunes, since the picture looks so much like the cover of Exit... Stage Left. The trouble with using live tracks in a mix tape/CD is, you hear the crowd noise changing as one track transitions to another. Fix THAT, ivory flakes!

Little Ads - Dork-it yourself.

Joke #1 - Why build your own mower? Because cutting your foot off is more satisfying when you built the machine yourself.

Joke #2 - I think they meant to say "Kansas City 3, Mow." Huh huh huh.

Joke #1 - Build a SPEEDFLASH. Clearly illuminates the groin of almost any woman.

Joke #2 - "Oops! I did not mean to jump into the air and do a split-kick, but I did it anyway! I hope your speedflash was not functioning properly. I am so naughty.

Joke #3 - Oops! I did not mean to have any clothes on when I jumped into the air and did a split-kick. Can I have my check anyway? I am so naughty.

Joke #1 - "Thanks! Bye bye daddy! I'm off to be a lesbian!

Joke #2 - I think sitting on an Indian motorcycle while making the "how" sign should be grounds for being run over with said motorcycle.

Joke #3 - "No. No need to thank me. It's all in a day's work for Indian motorcycles, and Ban roll-on!"

Joke #1 - New non-electric door knocker no longer need be attached to woman's face. Can simply be affixed to door. Ivory-colored chime box.

Joke #2 - Tired of shouting when you require your woman? New knocker can be fitted to the door of her storage nook.

Joke #3 - (knock knock knock) "I'm comiiinnng. I'm several inches from the door. I'll be there in a minute!" (knock knock knock) "Just a moment! I'm still a few inches away!"

Joke #4 - Science and mechanics exclusive! We test if "females" respond to auditory stimulus. Also in this issue: how to sand and refinish your female like new!

Joke #5 -  For Rent: Efficiency apartment, lower Manhattan. 0 br, 0 bath, utilities incl. $3500 / mo. Dogs, cats ok."

Kooking Kornir 6 - The incredible, edible meat!

Hey there hungry readers! just when you thought meat was here to stay, meat's back! And it's even more back with the help of those new "microwave" ovens! Can't figure out the buttons? Don't worry! The Magic Chef New Magic of Microwave Magic Cookbook Magic is here to Magic help you prepare your favorite meals Magic in just most of the time it used to take! Magic!

You don't want your beef too lean or it loses that wonderful chin-glistening flavor your family loves. It can be hard finding a cut of beef with a thick enough rind on it to appeal to today's family of eaters. Our "cover girl" was a heifer that lost a hoof in a combine harvester, which left her largely immobile for years... and deliciously tender! No fear of flavorless beef with our bed-ridden Bessie! Just look at that marbling! Rest easy, Bessie! You're only getting more yummy by the minute. Mmm-mmm-moo!

Everyone loves bacon, and simply everything can be bacon-wrapped! From left to right, rumaki, Shrimp in bacon, olives in bacon blankets, bacon oysters, and at the top... bacon wands! Yes, even bacon can be made better with a layer of savory bacon! If you don't like the thought of bacon wrapped around all of your food, you may be bulimic. Fortunately, there are many volunteer organizations to help you recover from your disorder and they'll have you back to bacon in no time!

Sure, meat's great for appetizers, drinks, and entrees, but what about dessert? What's to be done? Can't there be a meaty dessert? YES! At the top, you'll see our ever-vanishing meatcake, with orange sherbet filling, mushrooms, and drizzled donut glazing. Moving clockwise, you'll find our strawberry ground beef tart, made with onions, fresh strawberries, cream cheese, and rocky road. On the left is a two-pound cube of meat, served with green pepper. Dessert is solved!

Kids clothes 1973 - Future nerdfect.

Greetings, colonists! Today, the Astronet brings you tidings of the most current garments for your younglings! Life on the offworld outposts can be rough-and-tumble, so protect your young while assuring their attractive appearance for the mate-choosing ritual! Let us observe the new designs immediately!

Your non-male youngling will be luminously lovely in this unity smock and trouser. Fabric is stain-averse Moleculon fiber, so no more soiled knees after participating in thrice-monthly hydroponic gathering! Green color reminds observers of the green hills of Earth while denoting your family's status as a level three, such has been deemed necessary by the Grand Observer. The white trim on the upper segment features a single chest roundel, indicating her optimal Tested Genetic Viability level. Let her pride show through the roundel! Her robot friend is wearing our new "retro Earth pinafore", as is the fashion for sub-humans this orbiting cycle.

Little boy blue, come blow your recreational sphere into fullness! Your brave little micronaut will be attractively adequate in this soft tunic and micro-pant. Both are matching Softoid Radion fabric simulant, providing comfort as well as nine-spectrum radiation shielding from seasonal near-orbit nova emissions. Abdominal pocket holds his oxygen dome access keycard, seeds, or other treasures. A decorative apple-berry reminds viewers of our shining hope of a return to an agrarian economy. Tunic can be removed for virility displays, as shown.

To become eligible for these fine garment units, see your object registrar and simply fill out the requisition form, and transmit
your inquiry via the next communications beam.

Cadbury Chocolate - Gimme.

Time is short this morning, so today's post is a joke-free quickie. I have jury duty today. Gotta go fight crime the American way. At best, I'll sit around for eight hours and be sent home. At worst, I'll be trying to think objectively about a petty crime in a room of eleven mouth-breathing troglodytes .

Its a Cadbury's milk chocolate ad from the English magazine, Picture Post (1951). One would be able to tell from context that it's an English magazine by the use of the word "biscuits". That's what they call cookies over there. So what's a biscuit then? A scone, unless I'm misinformed. What's a cracker? A crisp. Any English readers are welcome to correct me if I'm wrong, or to just call me a bloody loudmouth Yank.

Its a Hand-painted ad, and gorgeous because of it. There's some excellent work here, especially in the foil wrapper and chocolate's sheen. Enjoy.

P.S. I've noticed that in yore, the manufacturer was more often presented in the possessive. "Cadbury's chocolate". "Lipton's soup". I have no theory. Only an observation.

Back to normal tomorrow with more jokes. Thanks for reading, everybody!

1952 Ballet "The Cage" - "One, Two, Prance, Flounce, Five, Six, Mince, Eight!"

Joke #1 - A casual greeting between theater majors.

Joke #2 - The closing performance of "The Cage" demonstrated the energy with which the... no, wait. This is a picture from the cast party.

Joke #3 - "The Poor Fool of an Effeminate Male of the Species Finds the Stringy, Shelly Duvall-ish Female Irresistible, for some reason."

Joke #4 - "Ooooooh, 'insects'!!! I thought you said 'incest'. Okay, everyone, let's take it from the top."

Joke #5 - Production photo from the all-underwear version of "Gentlemen Prefer Reedy Weird Chicks, and Blondes."

Joke #6 - Realizing he is nude, the male dancer covers his shame with the crotch of a female dancer. And so, disaster is averted.

Joke #7 - I love the director thiiiiiiiiis much!

Joke#8 - "So tell me Labda. Do all Armenian Interpretive dance majors make love so wantonly as we do now?"

Joke#9 - "Wait, Yorgba. Ssshh! Go turn off the spotlight. I think my mother is home!"

Joke #10 - Fundamentalist Mormon Daddy-Daughter dance, 1952.

AC Oil Filters - Equal opportunity employer.

Here's a full-page ad for AC oil filters featuring a beautiful painting which shows how much oil flows through your oil filter. "A bargeload of oil" every 5000 miles. Trouble is, I doubt this statistic had much impact on the average driver. That's as may be, but look at those darling differently-abled mascots!

Awwww, they can hardly hold their heads up, they're so semi-concussed! Look at those vacant eyes and those lolling tongues! It's all I can do to keep from putting them out of their adorable misery.

It's hard to guess why the AC division of General Motors would choose basset hounds as their spokesbeasts for oil filters. Even at their best, basset hounds look really dopey and out of it. These three look like they're coming down off a three-day morphine-and-tilt-a-whirl bender. They look sad and mournful, as if they personally knew the dinosaurs that time has liquefied and will soon be squozen through the pores of the very filters they now promote. It seems GM was simply doing them a favor.

Whether they're are suffering from head injuries or chemical addiction, it's heartwarming to see General Motors helping these disadvantaged cartoon animals find work. How many jobs can there be for imaginary basset hounds with Ozzy Osbourne levels of confusion and helplessness? Thank you, GM, for making a difference.