2/11/13

1936 Lincoln Le Baron - This isn't your father's Oldsmobuick, unless it is.

The Chicago Auto Show / Chicago Disappointment Parade has concluded it's first weekend. The masses came shuffling in, goggled in wonderment at the concept cars that demonstrate what the manufacturers are capable of when not enslaved by focus groups and budgetary constraints. Then, after asking when they can buy one, they were directed to a "new" production model that looks exactly like the car they drove to the show.

An alternate title for this post was "This isn't your father's Flintstonemobile", but after a slightly furious round of debate around the office, we went with the Oldsmobuick one. The term "Oldsmobuick" came from the Fletch books. he described his divorce lawyer's car that way. It also applies because the car in this ad is so old, I can't guess by looking at it what make it is, or even what country it came from.

Dad used to complain that all cars look alike nowadays. I was incapable of making understand that it's relative. By contrast, I would patiently explain, that any car minted before 1950-something looks generic to me. Humps and tubes, man. They all look like a carton of eggs. I have no idea what I'm looking at. Dad proved my point while thinking he was proving his, by insisting that he could tell a Buick from a Ford from a Chevy, so long that they were old enough to be fossilized.

This ad kind of backs me up (but not really) by being a Le Baron, which is a model name that I have always known as a Chrysler. Then there's the nutty kitty cat hood ornament. Doesn't England get mad when you put a Jag hood ornament on a yankmobile?




Aaaaah, it's a doggie. It just happens to be in the exact same pose as the Jag ornament. If I were England, I'd still be mad. I'd then have my revenge by pointing out that almost any Jag could run rings around this Oldsmobuick.

This Lincoln Le Baron comes to us from the pages of Fortune magazine, the favored periodical of the horsey set. Here we find Thurston Rufftondale having a pic-a-nic with the St. John-Smythes at the club. Oh gawwwd!

Maybe the St. John-Smythes do have a special touch with the horses? They've trained their new colt for the season, "Aunt Fanny's Nanny" to carry his own lunch to school. Off he goes! Insert your own joke about equine education and "horse sense" here. I'm too clever to go for the low-hanging fruit.



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2/8/13

Toyota Corona - Good for the kids.

The Chicago Auto Show / Chicago Disappointment Parade is finally here! Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! Roll up! Roll up! Roll up! See the shooooowwww! So, today begins Car Week here at GO! Tower... unless we get bored with that and write some jokes or something. Day one of PAG! Car Week / Chicago Disappointment Parade brings us this 1970 ad for a Toyota Corona! Oh what a feeling! Or something!

At the time, this Corona wouldn't have turned any heads except those that were shattering their vertebrae by turning to laugh at this "weird little box". Tack on fortyish years and kablam. The corona looks cool as hell - if you ask me. I love the wheel covers. I love the aspirational "I'm a little Mercedes" styling. I even love the pea-green color. On a lark, I checked Ebay and what do you know? A '69 Corona in baby blue for five grand or less with three days to go (at the time of writing). Very wanty I am for this one. Rolling this car into a Toyota dealership for service would be fun. "Oil change please, and add a luggage rack. I'm going to Tokyo this weekend."

Hey, check it out! Apparently the Corona was so user friendly, it could be owned and operated by children! Maybe they're supposed to pass for adults, but I have to say in 1970, it would be smart to make the car look as big as possible in your ad. So, grab a few kids to pose as adults, and push them way into the background to make the car seem larger than it is, and you stand your best chance at getting a little interest from bigger-is-better yanks like us.

Did anybody get you a present today? No? Well, tell everyone you know they're horrible prickwads and your only pal is Phil Are GO! Here's today's Corona lifted from it's background and presented to you in heirloom-quality PNG goodness. That's right friends. PNG is a format that supports transparency, so you can put your Corona over any background you want. I suggest opening Photohsop, grabbing it with the Move Tool and making it drive all over your other pictures. Don't forget the motor sounds. BbBbBbBbBbRrrrrrrr. You're welcome. Graphic Gift coming your way in three, two one, RIGHT CLICK NOW, ROUND-EYE!

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2/7/13

Flight stick.




Joke #1 - In the event of an uncontrolled spin, the pilot could pull the Emergency Stabilization Lever, located just on the front of the control column. However, there were whispers in the air corps that, should you pull the ESL too often, it could result in a total loss of all forward visibility, rendering the pilot effectively blind.

Joke #2 - No need to ask if he's enjoying the flight.

Joke #3 - A rare candid view of Chuck's Yeager.

Joke #4 was airlifted to us from Fil. Thanks, Fil! - The 2nd annual Pasadena Steam Punk Parade was a star-studded gala. TV's Patrick Stewart is seen here commandeering the airship Enterprise down Rose Avenue. Steam me up, Scotty!

Joke #5 flat-apiraled in from Misterfancyhotballs_2. Thanks, MFHB2! - Yeah, here's an old one: "This wheel is drivin' me nuts". It was right there, I couldn't not do it.

Also joke #6 from Misterfancyhotballs_2. That's two-fisted flight stick fun! -Floyd always took things literally, when he heard the term "shaft drive" - he just had to see what it was all about. Eventually things took a turn for the worst.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post. -Mgmt.]

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2/6/13

American Radiator Conditioning Systems - "Hot" cha cha!

This 1937 ad from American Radiator Conditioning System shows us a brilliant property of radiant heat principles. If there is enough warmth, a girl can pose comfortably in the dead of winter in a... WHOA!

Holy crap! Look at that! I guess she's definitely not getting cold armpits! Wow. I mean, wow! Man, Patty Smith has nothing on this girl! She's got like fifty o'clock shadow under each arm.





Well, I don't think I can be expected to finish talking about radiant heat versus convection or whatever. Man that's a lot of growth. Hmm. I think this deserves a nice winter-in-Chicago postcard. Please enjoy all the awkwardness it brings to all your family relationships, should you send it out. You're welcome.

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2/5/13

The Commercial National Bank and Trust Company of New York - Say it, then have a nap.

Today's 1936 ad features a fantastic piece of art by an uncredited artist. But to get there, we'll have to let the Research and Googling team do their little dance for you. Sigh. Fine, guys. If you must. get it over with.
The Commercial National Bank and trust Company of New York has a frikkin' long name. The cumbersome proportions of the name is probably a badge of honor for a bank. Think of it this way: you need them so bad, they can make you stumble through their name every time you need to talk about your money. Banks aren't like mayonnaise or a car. They don't give a crap how snappy their name sounds. If you want their money, you'll play ball. Also, this bank's name is the result of a long series of mergers with other banks, dating back to 1903. Each time the bank merged with   something, they just tacked the name on the end of their own. Bankers aren't concerned with a slick-sounding name. They want their name to be something you have to carefully step around, like a building.

So what's at 56 Wall Street now? Well, Deutsche Bank and our old pals AIG are in the neighborhood. Whoever's living at number Fifty-Six, looks like they're having some work done on the place. Business must be good.


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Charlie Chaplin once hung from the teeth of this logo.
Anyhoo, it turns out The Commercial of New York can claim the famous J. P. Morgan as one of it's founding fathers. Ain't that something? Fast forward about thirty years and we find The Commercial in the role of helping to rebuild the nation in the ashes of the Great Depression. Hence, this ad. Hence even more, this piece of art.

This illustration could have been anything. Instead, the bank wisely went with the "hard-working, roll up your sleeves and rebuild our nation" angle. Well done. The pencil sketch nature of the piece contributes to the honest,  rough-edged look of the ad. The Commercial wants to help you help the nation start over. It's interesting that the figures are almost totally obscured in heavy cross hatching and shading. Fine detail has been exchanged in favor of heavy, sooty texture. It makes you think of hard labor. All of this helps the piece get businessmen cranked about building stuff... or, more to the point, borrowing the money to pay others to build stuff for you.

This drawing is so nice, Phil Are GO! is proud to present it to you in crazy high resolution, just in case you wanted to download it and have it printed in a frameable size or something. Graphic gift coming your way. This file is 4000 x 3343, so you may need to right click with BOTH your rude fingers to get all 5Mb of it onto your hard drive. Don't say I didn't warn you. You're welcome.

Click for frikkin HUGE!


FAQ: "Why didn't you save the file as grayscale? It could be smaller." Yes, we could have. But the yellowness of the paper, we feel, is part of the history and charm of the artwork. It looks better. Shut up.



2/4/13

Kaywoodie Pipes - For his health.

Smoking news now, from 1957! Smoking is good for your nerves, (once you're addicted to the nicotine). Nervousness is bad for your health. Therefore, smoking is good for you. "Learning to relax the Kaywoodie way could add years to his life" End of discussion!

The research and Googling team had a hard time finding proof of exactly what year we knew that pipe smoking was basically just as bad for your health as cigarette smoking. The long and short of it is that any tissue that comes in contact with smoke is at a much greater risk of cancer. Pipe and cigar smokers tend not to inhale the smoke into the lungs, like cigarette smokers do. The smoke is held in the mouth for a few seconds and then exhaled. This decreases the risk of lung cancer, but oral cancer and tooth-falling-out-ness is still pretty horrible and somehow more gross than just having your lungs rot.

So, while this 1957 ad MAY have been produced with the ignorance of pipe smoking's negative effects (yeah right), they're still using some deceptive arguments on the reader. Fans of logic call this kind of thing "logical fallacies". A passing familiarity with a list of logical fallacies (see that link) makes you mush less of a sucker and way less desirable as a chump to advertisers. Logical fallacies will tend to leap out at you, once you learn to recognize a few of them.

Most - if not all - advertising uses some kind of logical fallacy to try and get you to hand over some money, because the most logical thing to do is always to assume advertisers are constantly lying to you, and buy nothing. When I first scanned this Kaywoodie ad, I was expecting the "appeal to antiquity" argument, which can be summarized as "People have been doing this for a long time, so it must be good." You know, pipes being all old-timey and stuff. The appeal to antiquity is constantly used to sell superstitious herbal remedies like acupuncture and ginseng, both of which have yet to be proven to do anything at all, beyond the placebo effect.

But nope, no antiquity here. Kaywoodie is handing out a heaping helping of red herring, though. A red herring is basically misdirection. "Don't pay attention to that. Look at this over here." Kaywoodie argues that pipe smoking is relaxing, despite the fact that you're effing up your health. Even there they are assuming you're already addicted to the smoke. First-timers wouldn't really get much relaxation from the experience, apart from the feeling that they look cool or are impressing someone, as the title of the ad says.

The pipe in the ad is $50. Holy hell, that's like 400 bucks in today's money! Weirder still, I found a Kaywoodie pipe that seems a lot like the one in the picture, and it's going for $27. What goes on? Farther down, the ad mentions matched sets selling for up to $2500. Whaaa? They must be made from the Elephant Man's pelvis or something. Those have got to be some incredible pipes. And just for those of you playing along at home, that's called the "appeal to wealth" fallacy.





2/1/13

Inventioney Advancements of the Future - Science up, you!

New "trumpet condom" prevents unwanted pregnancy, unwanted Herb Alpertness.




Hilarious "children's chariot" can be easily built by average handyman. Fun for nearly whole family.
Designer recommends gelding potential steeds for greater manageability, increased show tunes.


New "anti-window kit" conveniently covers hideous windows, shields homeowner from The Yellow Face, creates ideal space to guard your precious. Manufacturer not liable for treachery from tricksy little hobbitses.