1/22/15
RCA Victor TV - Slender!
Hi, spoiled brats! It's time to stare in wonder at the "slender" televisions of 1957.
So slender! Knock nine inches off of the Longport and you have a cabinet only (estimated) eighteen inches deep! What will you do with all that extra space? Put in a sun room? A dance studio?
While we may scoff at the sheer bulk of these old TVs, they were nice and stylish. This gives reason to wonder if there's a market for more stylish flat panel TVs? Yes, current designs want only to disappear completely behind the all-important screen, but could somebody design a 56 inch LCD whose cabinet (what there is of it) looks interesting? Maybe just the stubby legs underneath your TV could look "atomic", or be made of walnut-finished formed plywood. The stand underneath my gigantic future-TV is shiny black plastic. I don't have any other shiny black plastic stuff in my living room, so it's not like the TV stand jives with anything else. All you can say for it is that it wants to be invisible... but it just isn't. Hmm. Maybe there's a niche to be filled? Maybe there's room for aftermarket TV legs of a stylish nature? If one or two manufacturers would standardize the swivel socket underneath their TVs, there could be a healthy third party market of cool looking TV legs.
These are pictures of coffee tables that I found, but you can easily imagine a set of TV legs made in a similar way.
If I were about to spend a thousand dollars or more on a TV, and I had the option to spend maybe a hundred more on a nice set of legs for the thing, I think I'd definitely choose to spend a little extra. Would you?
While we may scoff at the sheer bulk of these old TVs, they were nice and stylish. This gives reason to wonder if there's a market for more stylish flat panel TVs? Yes, current designs want only to disappear completely behind the all-important screen, but could somebody design a 56 inch LCD whose cabinet (what there is of it) looks interesting? Maybe just the stubby legs underneath your TV could look "atomic", or be made of walnut-finished formed plywood. The stand underneath my gigantic future-TV is shiny black plastic. I don't have any other shiny black plastic stuff in my living room, so it's not like the TV stand jives with anything else. All you can say for it is that it wants to be invisible... but it just isn't. Hmm. Maybe there's a niche to be filled? Maybe there's room for aftermarket TV legs of a stylish nature? If one or two manufacturers would standardize the swivel socket underneath their TVs, there could be a healthy third party market of cool looking TV legs.
These are pictures of coffee tables that I found, but you can easily imagine a set of TV legs made in a similar way.
If I were about to spend a thousand dollars or more on a TV, and I had the option to spend maybe a hundred more on a nice set of legs for the thing, I think I'd definitely choose to spend a little extra. Would you?
1/21/15
Good Decorating, Section Number B - Some more bathrooms.
Did you wake up this morning with one of those inexplicable headaches that you feel you don't deserve? Good news, sufferers! Your friend, 1970, has the bathroom solution that's just right for whatever headache you need to justify! Get ready for some happening decorating ideas that will have you singing "welcome baaack" to our own Mister Kotter, The Seventies!
Who's that vague blob in the mirror? Is it you? There's no way to tell, because your eyes are constantly sucked into this delightfully distracting, vibrating white-on-black rattan pattern wallpaper. Your eyes have been bad. Give them a spanking with this out of sight bathroom plan!
This purple and green themed bathroom is inspired by Marcia Brady's groovy skirts. Be sure to keep those curtains closed - you don't want to share this visual treat with the neighbors, or they'll be beating your door down. Oh! My nose! Oh! My nose!
Why, hello mister sun! Good morning to you, too! Thanks for the happy greeting! Okay, I'm awake now. Thanks again! No, really! I'm up. Yeah. Thanks, Sun! Heh... please stop it, Mister Sun. I'm fine now. MOOOOOMMMM!!!
Who's that vague blob in the mirror? Is it you? There's no way to tell, because your eyes are constantly sucked into this delightfully distracting, vibrating white-on-black rattan pattern wallpaper. Your eyes have been bad. Give them a spanking with this out of sight bathroom plan!
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| Take a trip to the country of Europe every time you excrete something into this bile-toned bathroom, featuring a shower decal that will make you feel like you're naked in the River Seine! And the Jackson Pollack wallpaper is so vibrant, you can almost smell the pigeon droppings. Weewee, madame! |
This purple and green themed bathroom is inspired by Marcia Brady's groovy skirts. Be sure to keep those curtains closed - you don't want to share this visual treat with the neighbors, or they'll be beating your door down. Oh! My nose! Oh! My nose!
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| No matter how much "mari-juana" you smoke, you'll always remember which room your boxers go in, because we've wallpapered this combination bathroom/bedroomroom with them! Easy, right? You may want to have a nap before attempting to figure out the dryer! |
Why, hello mister sun! Good morning to you, too! Thanks for the happy greeting! Okay, I'm awake now. Thanks again! No, really! I'm up. Yeah. Thanks, Sun! Heh... please stop it, Mister Sun. I'm fine now. MOOOOOMMMM!!!
1/20/15
The examination table.
Joke #1 - "Okay, Ken, it's your turn to carve the Christmas oaf this year."
Joke #2 - "Now, sir, where is this troublesome 'brain' thing that you keep complaining about?"
Joke #4 - "Now, try to relax. You may feel a slight 'inserting' feeling."
Joke #5 - "All right, now we're ready to... Oh! Wait! Can someone please bring me my massage hammers?"
Joke #6 - "Wait... Is that 'We're all going to the zoo tomorrow'?"
Joke #7 - "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Stop putting things in there!"
Joke #8 - "All right, ma'am. Which of your penises seems ot be the problem?"
Joke #9 - "Gentlemen, I will now remove the dish towel. You may want to move upwind."
[Commenter jokes will be added to the post. -Mgmt.]
1/19/15
Gravy Master - Ssh!
And here we were, not knowing there was even an opening in gravying, and already Gravy Master is apparently the master of gravy. With a name like Gravy Master, you'd better have your gravy house in order. It would be awkward to be named "Gravy Master" and be really good at, say, lawn care.
"You hear a lot about gravies." Boy howdy. Sometimes it seems that's all people want to talk about. One time, I was in a car accident where this guy plowed into my driver's side door in an intersection. The man climbed from his car and ran up to my shattered window. "You're alive! Thank heavens! We have urgent gravy to discuss!" Such is the magnitude of gravy talk in the world.
Please allow this clip art to help you carefully reveal your secrets with the most cartoonish body language possible: the conspiratorial lean-in and the protective hand, ensuring absolutely no one suspects anything is up. You're welcome.
You can use these ladies to make sure your emails are completely safe. Once people see this easily-pasted-in clip art, they'll carry your secret to the gravy...I mean, to the grave. Such secrets as:
-"Psst! You're going to be fired next month. Pass it on!"
-"Psst! You've got a brain slug sticking out of your ear."
-"Don't drink the milk! It's spoiled!"
-"I should probably wash my hands, after playing with that Possum I found in the retention pond!"
-"My husband's pregnant, and I don't think I'm the mother!"
Please allow this clip art to help you carefully reveal your secrets with the most cartoonish body language possible: the conspiratorial lean-in and the protective hand, ensuring absolutely no one suspects anything is up. You're welcome.
You can use these ladies to make sure your emails are completely safe. Once people see this easily-pasted-in clip art, they'll carry your secret to the gravy...I mean, to the grave. Such secrets as:
-"Psst! You're going to be fired next month. Pass it on!"
-"Psst! You've got a brain slug sticking out of your ear."
-"Don't drink the milk! It's spoiled!"
-"I should probably wash my hands, after playing with that Possum I found in the retention pond!"
-"My husband's pregnant, and I don't think I'm the mother!"
1/15/15
Last of the Elements Discovered! Gotta catch 'em all!
Good news, citizens! In 1931, Science totally Pokemonned the very last of the elements, and the periodic table was totally full and stuff, because it now had eighty-five elements.
You just know that when you get all confident and print headlines like "Science Complete!" or "Last of the ELEMENTS Discovered", you're setting yourself up to look like a jerk in a couple years.
As of 2015, we know of 118 elements. The periodic table printed in this Popular Science Monthly shows 85, the most recent (at the time) discovery being "eka-iodine". So now, if you run and get out your t-shirt with the periodic table printed on it, you won't find eka-iodine on it. The name has changed a few times, we we learned more about the element. "Eka-iodine" just means "one space under iodine". That basically means "the thing that goes in the empty space under iodine", which isn't very descriptive. Since then, it's been called "albamine", "dakin", "helvetium", "anglo-helvetium", before the current record holder for longest-used-name-for-eka-iodine, "astatine". What's astatine good for? Since it's really radioactive, it's used in nuclear medicine. But don't eat it just because you feel a cold coming on.
The following elements just hadn't been discovered yet in 1931. In fact, they didn't even have empty spaces yet in their version of the table. They didn't even know these could exist yet. I think the discovery of these elements had everything to do with the advent of nuclear science.
The following elements had their names changed, weirdly. This is probably because they change the names as they find out more about the elements. "Eka" is Sanskrit for "one", so any name with "eka" in it is probably just as temporary as "the thing under iodine". These elements had their names changed since then:
You just know that when you get all confident and print headlines like "Science Complete!" or "Last of the ELEMENTS Discovered", you're setting yourself up to look like a jerk in a couple years.
As of 2015, we know of 118 elements. The periodic table printed in this Popular Science Monthly shows 85, the most recent (at the time) discovery being "eka-iodine". So now, if you run and get out your t-shirt with the periodic table printed on it, you won't find eka-iodine on it. The name has changed a few times, we we learned more about the element. "Eka-iodine" just means "one space under iodine". That basically means "the thing that goes in the empty space under iodine", which isn't very descriptive. Since then, it's been called "albamine", "dakin", "helvetium", "anglo-helvetium", before the current record holder for longest-used-name-for-eka-iodine, "astatine". What's astatine good for? Since it's really radioactive, it's used in nuclear medicine. But don't eat it just because you feel a cold coming on.
The following elements just hadn't been discovered yet in 1931. In fact, they didn't even have empty spaces yet in their version of the table. They didn't even know these could exist yet. I think the discovery of these elements had everything to do with the advent of nuclear science.
- Neptunium
- Plutonium
- Americium
- Curium
- Berkelium
- Californium
- Einsteinium
- Fermium
- Mendelevium
- Nobelium
- Lawrencium
The following elements had their names changed, weirdly. This is probably because they change the names as they find out more about the elements. "Eka" is Sanskrit for "one", so any name with "eka" in it is probably just as temporary as "the thing under iodine". These elements had their names changed since then:
- niobium (columbium)
- astatine (eka-iodine)
- technetium (masurium)
- francium (ekacesium)
- protacinium (uranium x2)
So there you go. Next time you find some astatine lying around, try to put it in your thyroid, where it'll do you the most good, unless you don't have thyroid cancer. Top tip, there!
This periodic table has convenient little drawings to show you what the elements are good for. Print it out and put it on your fridge as a handy cheat sheet so you'll know what to do with any elements you may come across.
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| Gallium makes a nice soup |
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| Hydrogen is good for building cylinders. |
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| Neon is good to eat. |
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| Nickel costs twice as much as it's worth. |
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| Oxygen is dangerous, so use a gas mask. |
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| Chlorine is just as dangerous as oxygen. |
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| Potassium is filthy. |
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| Scandium is good for making condoms. |
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| Tantalum is always ten minutes late. |
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| Uranium can't wait for Halloween. |
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| Radon helps you sleep. |
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