Little Ads - We found some history.

Today the Research & Googling Team has brought us some slices of interestingness... made of history! Mmm, waiter, can I have some coffee with all this history?

I'd never seen the word "skivvies" used in advertising before. I'd only heard it used colloquially. So, I tasked the guys down in R&G to get to the bottom of this one. World Wide Words says this:
The word has been briefly trademarked several times, but the earliest in the US Trademarks Registry is dated 1954 (by Norwich Mills Inc, Norwich, New York) and by then the word had been in public use for some time... In the singular, a skivvy is usually defined as a vest (as we would call it in Britain) or undershirt, sometimes specifically named as a skivvy shirt. In the plural it either refers to both vest and underpants or to male underwear in general. Most examples suggest that this last meaning came along after the one for a vest. But that 1918 citation is in the plural, which may indicate it was already a fairly broad term. The early examples all indicate it was US military slang.
Other sources agree with the military origin of the term. So, it turns out that this ad we found here is from a 1954 issue of LIFE magazine, which makes it the first attempt to trademark the word "skivvies".

This ad comes to us from 1952, in the British magazine Picture Post. It's an ad for Dunlop bicycle "tyres" (heh heh). It seems to assume that the reader instantly recognizes the horseshoe things and associates them with cycling. A moment's staring tells me that this is some kind of trouser cuff clip.

Trouble is, here in The Future, most workaday cyclists I see use some kind of velcro strappy deal to keep their cuff from getting jammed in the chain. I myself am a fairly big bike geek, so if I'm riding, I'm probably wearing spacey bike clothes, looking like an insect. Also, I'm safely concealed in a forest of some kind, where stupid looking weirdos belong.

R&G found some vintage trouser clips like the ones in this ad on Ebay, see? Case closed! Mystery solved! Check and mate!

This last ad is also from Picture Post. What the Eff is "Nervone? Apparently, nerves have "power" and it can run low. Thankfully, Nervone can build up more nerve power so you don't run out? What... is... this... shit?

Oooooh! Nervone is homeopathy, which makes it magic pills. Homeopathy is the idea that "like cures like". If you have cancer, take some cancer to chase it away. Even better, it says that molecules have "memory" of their previous states and - long story short - you can dilute something with water, all the way down to undetectable levels, and call it "medicine". In Britain, where libel laws are, uuh, "different", homeopathy enjoys wider acceptance among people who like magical thinking. Homeopathic remedies are either water or sugar pills, depending on whether the product is in liquid or solid form.

This ad describes conditions that are usually associated with stress and psychological conditions and blames them on "low nerve power". Nervone probably does nothing. As proof, skeptics have staged massive homeopathic "overdoses" to prove that the product contains no active ingredients. Nobody got sick.

Bufferin - Won't upset your stomach. May upset eyebrows.

Here's a great black & white ad for Bufferin featuring a beautiful painting of furrowed eyebrows. Clients ask you to paint smiling children or sunsets all day long, but it's not every day you get to render a set of tortured eyebrows!

They easily could have gone with a photo of these eyebrows. Why the extra cost of having them painted? I have no idea. The art was obviously very heavily photo-referenced, so somebody arranged a little photo shoot prior to the painting. Really nice work, though.

Painting something pretty and nice is not so fun. All concerns come second to the "prettiness" of the piece. Painting these eyebrows would be a nice change of pace. They're meant to look unpleasant. If I were the artist, I'd have jumped at the opportunity to do an oddball job like this.

These eyebrows do a good job of conveying the pain of a headache. However, if I actually had a headache, this is the last thing I would ever do with my face. A maneuver like this is likely to make a headache worse. Hell, it may even GIVE you a headache just trying to do it. The guy in the picture might not need the medicine if he'd just stop making that face. I have no idea if Bufferin works. My family was always a Tylenol family.

Anyway, this picture may be fun to paste into an email to help your reader feel your bafflement or confusion. So, feel free to save yourself a copy of the cropped version at the foot of this post for just such an occasion. It may even save you from having to type any text at all some time. You're welcome.

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Dog Meter

Joke #1 - The HTC Evo Hound was a disappointment with customers, who found that it required frequent charging to make it through a full day. Also, it was prone to dropping calls when a cat was nearby.

Joke #2 - "Well, Mr. Rusty, you're now an OT Level Five Clear... IF you can write me a check for thirty five thousand dollars, that is. If your super powers don't appear, they'll probably come along after your next level and another huge check. By the way, don't talk bad about us or we'll destroy your career, reputation and family. Thank you, come again."    -Scientology for dogs.

Joke #3 - Rusty would survive, but without the help of an expensive machine not covered by insurance, he would never bark again.

Joke #4 - "Well I'l be damned, Mr. Rusty. According to the Dogulizer, you ARE a dog! I owe you several refunds. Your wife is going to be furious, by the way."

Joke #5 - "Good news, Rusty! We put wheels on your dialysis machine! Now you can run and play just like other dogs! ...within reason."

Joke #6 - "Hmm. The error code says it's your catalytic converter. That's going to cost a bundle." (See what I did there?)

Joke #7 is a anonymous donation from an unnamed mystery commenter. Thanks, Anonymous! There's always room for Jell-O, and a good Zappa reference!- Frank Zappa "Dog Breath Variations" recording session #7: The sound engineer finally realized he had to use use the Bark Scale to dial-in the equipment.


Joke #8 Was sent to us in a self-addressed stamped envelope from Anonymous2, which is odd, because we have nothing to send him/her. Thanks all the same, Anon2! - Jim was in his glory! He had finally devised the perfect way to prove his wife whether it was HIM or THE DOG.

All those months he had spent on the couch- Now with the "ANALyzer", they would surely be able to push thier beds together at last!
[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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Calvert Reserve - Country for old men.

Here's an almost un-satirizable ad for Calvert Reserve, featuring a beautiful painting by a mystery artist. More on him/her later. Gosh, what a nice painting.

After WWII, the suburbs exploded in population all over America, due to veterans coming home and starting families someplace quiet. Any city in North America is quieter than a battlefield. And, ten miles outside a city is quieter still. So, suburbia ahoy.

Calvert wanted to be the official drink of the relaxed, fun-loving suburbs, so they commissioned this illustration of idealized suburban Americana as their image of recommended sophistication. Who'd they commission? I can't tell. Somebody whose initials seem to be "CB". The Research and Googling team came up empty-browsered after a rigorous three-page search for the identity of this artist. Reader assistance is appreciated.

Even though the figures in the illustration are really small, there's a lot of personality and expressiveness to be found. You just have to skillfully arrange the character's silhouette. The first thing I notice is the sense of urgency in all the little people who need to get to the party. How did the artist do that? Well, when people are hurrying comically, they bend at the waist in a kind of rushed hunch. It makes it obvious that they really need to get where they're going. This Calvert-fueled party is THE place to be!

The other thing I now notice is a little disappointing. All the people at the party are men. WTF? I mean, I like that, in The Fifties, people wore suits to parties, but I don't like the implied sexism of an all-man shindig. Besides, who likes a party without women? Maybe Calvert's customer base was predominantly male? That doesn't make sense. Women appear in loads of ads targeted to men. Either the understood message is one of chauvinism (which could be the case, because this is 1957 after all) or one of surprising liberalism for the time. Maybe these are men who prefer the company of men? Given the overwhelming conformity of mainstream American culture in The Fifties, and the fact that this ad ran in LIFE magazine (which was the epitome of "mainstream"), I'm going to go with oblivious chauvinism as the likely inspiration for the "no girls" policy of the painting.

Anyway, I like these panoramic pictures that have no specific focal point. They make good wallpapers on computers and phones. I'll post a special version of this ad cropped to the painting and sweetened up a little bit for chroma and contrast for use as a wallpaper. Graphic Gift coming to a hard drive near you, thanks to your rude finger in three, two, one....

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'66 Dodge Monaco - No unboxing video.

I likes me some station wagon. They've been replaced by something stupid and childish - the SUV. Why has it become unfashionable to drive a useful car that is only as large as you need it to be? How is it better to drive a massive off road vehicle that will only ever drive back and forth to the mall? Aah yes, because fashion has everything to do with self image and nothing to do with reality. People want to feel tough and free, so they buy a car that canyon dwellers use, instead of buying what makes sens for where you live. Don't get me started.

Dodge wants us to think of the 1966 Dodge Monaco wagon as "not boxy-looking". Well, it's not boxy compared to an actual box, I guess.

As is usual for car manufacturers, Chrysler named the Monaco after a city famous for a race that takes place there, which has exactly nothing in common with the car bearing the name. This station wagon is about as racy as a cardboard box with a spoiler. Maybe the Chrysler wizards would argue that Monaco is also a famous vacation spot, full of glamour and whatever. We know perfectly well that they'd like you to think of racing cars when you think of Monaco. Nice try, guys. A station wagon by any other name would still be designed to haul groceries.

Do not misunderstand. I like wagons for their honesty. I also dislike advertising for it's profound dishonesty. The Dodge Monaco is not a race car - even less so in wagon form.

Anyway, this wagon sure is long. You could keep a smaller car inside it, to help you get around. Gotta get something from the cargo area? Jump in the car and drive out to the tailgate. If you're not back by nightfall, send out the bloodhounds. The long lines of the Monaco look good enough, but I think it would also look good if it was a bit shorter...

Much better! This way, when you fill the back with groceries and flat pack furniture, you can wheelie all the way home. Call that boring if you want, because I sure don't.

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1958 Westinghouse Appliances - The shape of yesterday's tomorrow, this morning!

I think we live in sort of pessimistic times. When's the last time you heard anybody get excited about The Future? Or, what was the last ad you saw using "of tomorrow" in anything other than sarcastic tones? I mean, I like the future. That's where I keep all my best electronics. But then I'm a futurist nerd. My opinion doesn't count. In '58, lots of people were optimistic and super cranked about The Future. This is one reason I like 1958 so much.

The Images and Scanning Them dept had some trouble with today's two-page spread. The Saturday Evening Post didn't want to spread 'em very easily, and in keeping with our "do no harm" and "catch and release" policy on magazine husbandry, we chose not to "force the issue". (Heh heh. Good one, Phil man!)

These appliances are so sharp-edged you could shave with the refrigerator. Gone were the bulbous appliances with tail fins and chrome. Westinghouse was all about simple shapes and minimalism in '58. I'm inclined to agree with their design, but that doesn't mean I understand it. Why do we perpetually associate minimalism with The Future? Look around Ikea. Circles and squares, baby. The Future!

An early occurrence of a common Future shape: the squircle. This is an example of "prior art" that prevented Apple from patenting The Use Of The Squircle In a Portable Music Device. The Westinghouse washer-dryer combo unit was technically a PMD, since it A) wasn't bolted to the floor and B) made noises that were rhythmic, and therefore could be construed as music.

Decades later, the iPod's squircle-based design was regarded as "very clean", as was the compression algorithm used in the AAC file format preferred by Apple music listeners. However, this was not enough to allow Apple to patent the device as a washing machine.

Well, when we think of The Past, it's all swirlicues and filigree, right? Ornamentation for the sake of it. Look at the Vatican. What could be more "old world" than this mess? Who's going to dust all that stuff? Oh, that's right. You won't have to, because the rapture will be here any minute now to tear the world apart, starting in 1 A.D. I hope you brought something to read. (Any second now!)

As far as spiritual architecture goes, I kind of think the Buddhists have the right idea. Simplicity turns the mind inward and brings about the extinction of the self, or whatever. Whoever designed this joint (pictured) was definitely a material girl. No wonder it's all run by unmarried men who wear dresses and have a flair for the theatrical.

So, maybe it's no surprise that we have come to think of The Future as being geometric and clean. It works for me, at least. If I bought a house that had surviving appliances like these Westinghouses in place, I'd pray that they still work so I could keep them around, because they're so cool. It'd just be Allen Wrenchio, the God of Ikea that I prayed to for such modernist intervention.

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Smile Gauge

Joke #1 - Exit poll at a Scientologist comedy club.

Joke #2 - Fox News executives, collecting data to see what can be done about this "happiness" thing.

Joke #3 - "...and with your smile stored as a preset, you can let your face relax completely. The JoyRack will do all the work for you! Now let's go to Timmy's recital!"

Joke #4 - "Yep. As I feared. My other daughter is four percent prettier."

Joke #5 - "No, wait. That's too happy. Try to think about that family we saw at the Dollar Store... There! Perfect! Now let's go to Church!"

Joke #6 comes to us from Brain thought, and the letter H. Thanks, Brain! - Is this Dr. Rubyte? Doctor J. Rubyte? Hi, this is Matt Potempkin from the National Science Foundation. We've been looking over your research and I'm sorry Dr. Rubyte, but we're going to need all the funding back. Well you see, what your doing is in no way science... 


Jokes #7 and 8 submitted by John Joseph. Well joked, JJ! - The excitement in the room was palpable; they had just witnessed the dawn of a new age, for today Dr. Rubyte had at last turned that frown upside-down.


#8 - Dr. Rubyte's Jack-O-Lantern design kit was admittedly complex, but one could not argue with the results.


Joke #9 comes to us from Anonymous 2. Thanks go out to our other mysterious contributor! - "I'm sorry Mrs. Forsythe, but according to my expensive Lexan grid, your head is completely out of round now. We'll have to put you back under & whack it back a few more times with the larger more professional mallet. That should do it."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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