The Okidata AdequateScan 1650 is having some vacuum tubes replaced by the nearest authorized repair center. In the mean time, please enjoy these punch lines to unknown jokes.
"But if that's the pony, then who's your wife?"
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"... so of course I ate the hair and just threw up in the hat. I mean, what would YOU do?"
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"You mean it's NOT Valentine's day??? Then why is the baby holding a compound bow?"
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"...and the bartender says. 'That's okay, I'm not a real priest, either.'"
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"'Okay', says the customer. 'In that case, just the gun and the adult diapers then, please.'"
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"... and the plumber says 'Nooooo, I sad a half inch PETCOCK.'"
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"... and so the president agreed to debate a baby."
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"...But if that's your wife, then who's the pony?"
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"...so the bartender says 'Of course we serve children here.' I said we don't serve MILGRAMS here!'"
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"...and the rabbit looks at his watch and says 'Four firty? That'f bullfit!'"
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"...and the pony says. 'No. I AM your wife."
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"...and the leprechaun says 'No no no, I said it's TWO FORTY. Not TOO FARTY."
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"...and the priest says. 'No, but I have absolved a few altar boys.'"
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8/16/12
8/15/12
'69 Olds Toronado - Pull me, don't push me.
Guess what, citizens. Despite what you may think, front wheel drive is a luxury feature. At least, that's what Oldsmobile wanted you to think in 1969.
In our modern brains, front wheel drive is something that we associate with small cars, which in this country means "economy cars", which means "This is what I can afford. Get off my back." So, anything that smacks of big cars also smells of luxury. These days, that means rear wheel drive - or four wheel drive - and probably an air hockey table in your back seat rec room.
For those who care about what "front wheel drive" is: In '69 front wheel drive was sort of new to the mainstream market. Compared to your average rear wheel drive car of the era, it made your car steer better in dry conditions and way less squirrely in slippery conditions. Also, it meant that there was no "hump" running down the middle of the car's floor, which is where the drive shaft would normally go, because it had to turn the rear wheels. This meant better rear seat comfort... especially for the sucker who drew the short straw and got stuck in the middle. Also also, the car could be made lighter and simpler, because all the business was at the front of the car, and you didn't need to have a big heavy drive shaft going from the engine to the rear wheels to make them go.
Conversely, some people don't like the way a FWD car drives. It can be described as "numb" or "dull". These are usually "car guys", and it can drive them away from front drive cars, hurting sales.
In this ad, Oldsmobile is trumpeting the safety and stability of FWD. The front wheels pull the car along, whatever direction they're pointing. This made the car feel more composed and predictable. But these days, what with our onboard computers and traction control and whatever, FWD no longer has such a huge safety advantage over RWD. By assessing vehicle speed and direction a couple hundred times per second, the car's computer can selectively brake each wheel to keep the car pointing where you want it to go. This means that those car guys who don't like FWD can buy a rear drive car and enjoy it without skidding through a grammar school when a few drops of rain fall on the road. Basically, all cars built in the last fifteen years have electronic stability control of some kind, so when your aunt asks "Shouldn't I get a front wheel drive car because it's safer?", you can assure her that it doesn't matter, and she should get the car that comes in pink. The computer will do a good job keeping her out of the drainage ditch, even if that's where her pink monstrosity belongs.
For those who don't care what "front wheel drive" is: Front wheel drive is a thing in a car.
So, it's kind of funny to see Oldmobile selling FWD as a luxury item when it has, since then, become a hallmark of econo cars. These days, it's a bit of a bragging point if your car is rear drive, as it sets it apart from the herd or FWD Festivas and 4WD Explorers. It gives you some street cred as a car guy. This is in accordance with my often-stated principle that "Whatever is hard to acquire will be desirable." This is how exclusivity works. It's part of what drives attendance at Apple product launch events. It's also the theme behind the Dr. Seuss story about the Star-Bellied Sneetches.
This model in the ad looks pretty irritated. What's he there for? The people on the left are clearly ignoring him. He looks as if that's his car they borrowed for the shoot. "Are you done? Can I go now?" Don't be so angry, little model. It's not like your car is pink. Maybe in the next shoot you'll get to wear the Zorro costume.
For those who care about what "front wheel drive" is: In '69 front wheel drive was sort of new to the mainstream market. Compared to your average rear wheel drive car of the era, it made your car steer better in dry conditions and way less squirrely in slippery conditions. Also, it meant that there was no "hump" running down the middle of the car's floor, which is where the drive shaft would normally go, because it had to turn the rear wheels. This meant better rear seat comfort... especially for the sucker who drew the short straw and got stuck in the middle. Also also, the car could be made lighter and simpler, because all the business was at the front of the car, and you didn't need to have a big heavy drive shaft going from the engine to the rear wheels to make them go.
Conversely, some people don't like the way a FWD car drives. It can be described as "numb" or "dull". These are usually "car guys", and it can drive them away from front drive cars, hurting sales.
In this ad, Oldsmobile is trumpeting the safety and stability of FWD. The front wheels pull the car along, whatever direction they're pointing. This made the car feel more composed and predictable. But these days, what with our onboard computers and traction control and whatever, FWD no longer has such a huge safety advantage over RWD. By assessing vehicle speed and direction a couple hundred times per second, the car's computer can selectively brake each wheel to keep the car pointing where you want it to go. This means that those car guys who don't like FWD can buy a rear drive car and enjoy it without skidding through a grammar school when a few drops of rain fall on the road. Basically, all cars built in the last fifteen years have electronic stability control of some kind, so when your aunt asks "Shouldn't I get a front wheel drive car because it's safer?", you can assure her that it doesn't matter, and she should get the car that comes in pink. The computer will do a good job keeping her out of the drainage ditch, even if that's where her pink monstrosity belongs.
For those who don't care what "front wheel drive" is: Front wheel drive is a thing in a car.
So, it's kind of funny to see Oldmobile selling FWD as a luxury item when it has, since then, become a hallmark of econo cars. These days, it's a bit of a bragging point if your car is rear drive, as it sets it apart from the herd or FWD Festivas and 4WD Explorers. It gives you some street cred as a car guy. This is in accordance with my often-stated principle that "Whatever is hard to acquire will be desirable." This is how exclusivity works. It's part of what drives attendance at Apple product launch events. It's also the theme behind the Dr. Seuss story about the Star-Bellied Sneetches.
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| Click for big. |
8/14/12
Iron Lung 4-Pack - Capsule hotel?
Here's something you don't see every day. No, not four Americans in Japanese capsule hotels. No, not people in iron lungs. Maybe you should just stop guessing and let me tell you, okay? Shut up. It's a completely airbrushed head where there was no head before!
But first, what's an iron lung? Uuh, let's see. How to summarize. People who couldn't breathe on their own (usually from polio) were put in a machine like this one. An air tight seal is formed around the person's neck, and by using pumps to vary the pressure around the person's body, it effectively reproduced the process of respiration... if you can accept the fact that you're stuck in a giant metal tube. Good times.
Iron lungs were in widest use in the 40s and 50s, due to polio outbreaks. Polio is a viral illness that attacks the nervous system and eventually causes paralysis. Respiratory failure (paralyzed lungs) is one of the first ways polio tries to kill you. Since the mid-century, the polio vaccine has all but eradicated the disease (...but not if Jenny McCarthy has her way. Good job, retard.) People still need mechanical assistance with breathing for various reasons, but much smaller, portable ventilators now exist which allow some mobility and don't make you look like you live in The Matrix.
So what's this about a fake head? Check out the lady in the picture in the top at the back. It looks like they only had three models and had to paint in a fourth head. Either that, or for some reason or other, this model's face had to be completely replaced by an artist. Orrrr, she died shortly before the photo was taken and nobody noticed until after the shoot. Orrrrrr, the unfortunate woman not only suffered from polio, but had to be fitted with a prosthetic head, possibly due to a mishap in a magic show. Orrrrrrrrrrr, she's a mannequin who has trouble breathing, poor thing. Let's assume the head was just painted.
Iron lungs were in widest use in the 40s and 50s, due to polio outbreaks. Polio is a viral illness that attacks the nervous system and eventually causes paralysis. Respiratory failure (paralyzed lungs) is one of the first ways polio tries to kill you. Since the mid-century, the polio vaccine has all but eradicated the disease (...but not if Jenny McCarthy has her way. Good job, retard.) People still need mechanical assistance with breathing for various reasons, but much smaller, portable ventilators now exist which allow some mobility and don't make you look like you live in The Matrix.
8/13/12
No post again! - Antiques Creepshow go-go Doll. (Put Laugh-In joke here.)
The temperature is under ninety degrees today, so we assume the first blizzard of the 2012-13 season is only a few weeks away. So, the staff at GO! Tower is having snow removal drills, in anticipation of the approaching winter. Also hypothermia casserole will be served in the commissary today.
Also, please fail to enjoy this freaky go-go girl doll, photographed in an actual display case in an actual antique store by one of our field scavengers. Observe her filthy face, and the half-assed manufacture of her basically cylindrical cheap-as-chips form. Don't forget to revile The Seventies.
(Internal memo: Remind me to have an intern write some kind of joke pertaining to the fact that this doll is fairly sock-shaped, and the popularity of the catch phrase "sock it to me" in the Laugh-In days of Goldie Hawn and her psychedelic bikini. When joke is complete, insert in title bar and delete this memo before posting.)
8/10/12
Dictaphone - So that's a dictaphone.
I'd heard movies and stuff mentioning "Dictaphones" in the past, but I had never seen one. I figured it was just an office machine like a tape recorder. Nope. Turns out they were far more ridiculous. How ridiculous? Observe today's ad from 1936 and drink in the crazy.
To the tech-starved troglodytes of 1936, you'd think the ad would make a point to explain what the hell a Dictaphone does, and how it does it. However, this ad ran in Fortune magazine, which was read by the guys (Usually guys, back then. Sorry.) who owned and ran companies. They didn't care about the nuts and bolts. They only wanted the bottom line. Still, after reading (well, thoroughly skimming) the entire ad for any kind of explanation, I was left to decipher the use and function of a Dictaphone from the pictures. This seems very odd, considering the fact that the Dictaphone corp. wants very badly for you to read their pamphlet "What is an office Anyway?". They might have considered making a pamphlet "What the Dic is a Dictaphone, Anyway?" But nope. They assume you either already know or don't care about details.
Brace yourself. It's a wax cylinder recorder. Yep. That's it. 1) Boss intones his wisdom into a honking great hose. 2) Boss uses standard office forklift or dirigible to lift Dictaphone to secretary's desk. 3) Secretary types what boss said, making adjustments and corrections on the fly, because you can't erase a wax cylinder. Ho-leee crap. We are truly living in a science-fiction world of magic, by comparison.
In 1947, Dictaphone switched from wax cylinder technology to a type of plastic band recording medium, called a "Dictabelt". I am not making this up. In later years, the Dictabelt was supplanted by a magnetic sheet type of setup. No word on what they called this technology, but I'm hoping for "Dictaphragm".
The Dictaphone made obsolete not only by tape recorders in the seventies. The unhygienic nature of the Dictaphone's "talking horn" led to widespread inflammation of the oral region - a condition called "dictalips". Faced with the threat of mounting lawsuits, Dictaphone then produced a disposable, detachable version of the talking horn, which allowed each employee to have their own mouthpiece and replace it when it became dirty. This was marketed under the patented name of "Dictahose". Ads encouraged office workers to "Stop putting someone else's horn hear your mouth! Our new Dictahose will make your mouth feel great."
By the time that the Dictaphone fell out of use, The Seventies were upon us, and you were far more likely to be stared at if your mouth did NOT have an inflammation of some kind.
The clip art in this ad is pretty cool. Here they are, fresh from the "levels" filter, piping hot, in delightful JPEG format for your interoffice memos, or "Dictanotes".
It looks like this guy is being given a Voight-Kampff test. He might be a skinjob.
Brace yourself. It's a wax cylinder recorder. Yep. That's it. 1) Boss intones his wisdom into a honking great hose. 2) Boss uses standard office forklift or dirigible to lift Dictaphone to secretary's desk. 3) Secretary types what boss said, making adjustments and corrections on the fly, because you can't erase a wax cylinder. Ho-leee crap. We are truly living in a science-fiction world of magic, by comparison.
In 1947, Dictaphone switched from wax cylinder technology to a type of plastic band recording medium, called a "Dictabelt". I am not making this up. In later years, the Dictabelt was supplanted by a magnetic sheet type of setup. No word on what they called this technology, but I'm hoping for "Dictaphragm".
The Dictaphone made obsolete not only by tape recorders in the seventies. The unhygienic nature of the Dictaphone's "talking horn" led to widespread inflammation of the oral region - a condition called "dictalips". Faced with the threat of mounting lawsuits, Dictaphone then produced a disposable, detachable version of the talking horn, which allowed each employee to have their own mouthpiece and replace it when it became dirty. This was marketed under the patented name of "Dictahose". Ads encouraged office workers to "Stop putting someone else's horn hear your mouth! Our new Dictahose will make your mouth feel great."
By the time that the Dictaphone fell out of use, The Seventies were upon us, and you were far more likely to be stared at if your mouth did NOT have an inflammation of some kind.
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| "My mother? Let me tell you about my mother..." |
It looks like this guy is being given a Voight-Kampff test. He might be a skinjob.
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8/9/12
Biking clothes 1972 - Ease on down the road.
Hey, everybody! Wondering what to wear when you make the scene on the bike trail, here in 1972? Well, no need to freak on out, you know? All you need are clothes that make you look like a toddler in colors borrowed from the Lego drawer. Your family will make one groovy group in our spring Pansy Peloton collection. Time to flip up the kick stand and get moving!
Wow! Who's the happy family in primary colors? Is everyone in kindergarten or are they simply stylish? That's YOUR family all revved up and ready to gently pedal down a perfectly smooth trail with no grade steeper than 1%, that's who!
Dad is looking as sharp as a box of crayons in his futuristic ribbed pullover with a collar that will let him fly like an eagle! Sure, everyone likes a wide belt, but what's it for? Does his cutlass hang on it? No, silly! It gathers the tunic at his slender waist, letting the skirt flare jauntily, accentuating his hips. Underneath, his cycling jeans have all their seams safely tucked away in the crotch area, for a sleek outline. With dad sitting on all those seams, there's just no way they can come apart. That's "tres dur!"
Everyone knows that, for cycling-inspired clothing, there's nothing like a sailboat to tell your friends "This lady knows where she's going! Make way!" The sailboat in this design has a star cutout in the sail so it can be hung on a hook for easy drying. That's just good sense, except that it's only a picture of a boat, not a real boat. "What's that supposed to mean?", you say? Stop asking all those perfectly reasonable questions. This is fashion, people!
Let your kids know who's the favorite with a number on their chest! She needs to know that she can come in third and you'll still love her. Nothing says you're "Free to Be, You and Me" like no expectations!
Dad's bike features braze-ons for this convenient frame-mounted child. Possibly a boy. We'll check into that. Anyway, this gives you easy access to your boygirl or whatever while riding. Child can be fitted to alternate points on the frame during wet weather to avoid "fender face".
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| "I'm number three. Children numbers One and Two are still in daddy's thingy." |
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| Blurred vision and impaired speech are statistically insignificant side effects. |
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8/8/12
Horse Ogling
Joke #2 - Sure, this was easier on the horses, but attendance was really falling off since Balmoral Park transitioned to "horse moseying".
Joke #4 - "Hmm. Number fifteen looks nice and lean, but number twenty seems healthier. They all look so delicious. I can't decide! Can't we try them all?"
Joke #5 Comes to us from Misterfancyhotballs_2. Thanks, MFHB2! You're certainly productive! - None of the other jockeys had poms on their hats. Now Bill was really having second thoughts about his decision to become the "Liberace of Horse Racing".
[Commenter jokes will be added to the post. -Mgmt.]
The Phil Are GO! Photoshop Brigade have prepared this special version of today's image, presented to you in archival quality 1400 pixel height. Yours to cherish, at no additional cost. Please enjoy responsibly.
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