The Dial Room.

Joke #1 - Two engineers at their posts inside the GL-4601-N, Casio's largest and most durable G-Shock wristwatch to date.

Joke #2 - In 1951, The Jet Propulsion Laboratory was sued by a group of employees who felt that the placement of several CRT displays unfairly discriminated against researchers less than thirteen feet tall.

Joke #3 - "Oh, the cookies are nearly done. Start up the forklift. Mom's going to have the best birthday ever!"

Joke #4 - "...and this dial tracks how often I have impure thoughts. Then Janet Reno became Attorney General and, well, I had to install a few more dials. Meow-wow! Am I right, Ken? I said 'am I right???'"

Joke #5 - "Hmm. Looks like there's a blip approaching from the west. Ken, go open hatch number four and look up a lot. Were you expecting any blips?"

Joke #6 - "The needle just moved. Yep, we're shrinking."

Joke #7 - "...and this gauge will register the ground state, which we will hopefully see couple to the.... Ken, get your hand off my thigh."

Joke #8 - "You see? Radiation levels are going berserk. Everyone in L.A. IS dead. You owe me a Twix, stupid."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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Studio Girl - Hall of Heads part 5... FIGHT!

Today we bring you fierce bloodsport from 1961. This ad, soliciting sales representatives for Studio Girl cosmetics features some excellent Disembodied Floating Heads. They all want to be the supreme DFH, but which is worthy? There's only one way to find out. Heads, FIGHT!

First combatant: Anita Born, of East Alton, Illinois! She's looking trim and ready with her neatly deleted neck. That's a great start, Born! We like your curly bulb of non-specific retro hair, too. Wham! Ooooh, but that smile looks sincere and candid. It looks like you were photographed while having a pleasant conversation. Not very creepy! We're not paying you to talk! Just hover and leer at people! You may think you're weird with your no-neckness and your hair bulb, but you've got a lot to learn about being unsettling! Defeated! Kabloom! Come back next season, Born! You're outta here!

Next combatant: What's this? The very president of Studio Girl, Harry Taylor himself, of Glendale, California? That's right! Taylor looks serious and creepy with his authoritative glower. That mile-high chess club forehead just screams " I have a secret psionic attack", and the under-developed jaw tells us he was a bit of a sissy in school, so he's got lots of pent-up frustration to fuel his fight. He's looking good so far! Oh, but he's just a little too handsome! That L.A. tan doesn't scare us one bit! Taylor, your financial success has gone to your Disembodied Floating Head. You're not hungry enough to wear the crown. Defeated! Bashooooom!

Next combatant: Jack Terwilliger, straight out of Fresno! Terwilliger comes on strong with a goofy name that sounds like a dirty gym teacher, and his photo is poorly lit, too! We can hardly tell if he has a moustache or if those are just bags under his eyes! Terwilliger's feeling strong! What's this? You call that a neck nub? We can still see some of your neck, Terwilliger! Trim that shit and come back in a year, when you're ready to nail the details! Defeated! Bloooosh!

Next combatant: Helen Uhlir the Cooler, from Tuscon! Wham! Helen hits hard with her schoolmarm hairdo and those Far Side lunch-lady glasses. Ow! And that smile? Is it a smile, or a kind of forced grimace? Creep-a-licious! She's got the judges reeling, but she's not done yet. Is that a mole on her chin or just a printing anomaly  Wait. We have a ruling on the mole. It's a black dot that fits inbetween the screen dots. It's not a mole, but they're giving her the point just for sheer moxie! Uhlir the Cooler crushes the competition by showing that she clearly does not use the product she purports to sell! Ka-foom! Helen Uhlir wins!

If you keep this up, Uhlir, you could be a world-class electronician, like F. L. Sprayberry. Kudos.

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Young & Rubicam - The Keedoozle.

Just last night I heard an economic statistic about how shopping through mobile devices (tablets, smartyphones) suddenly became a multi-billion dollar slice of the economy last year. Makes sense, right? I do all of my Exmess shopping through Amazon from my couch, while watching Top Gear. Long ago, the sales associate at most retail outlets stopped being a trusted advisor and de-evolved into a slack-jawed ignoramus that somehow insults your intelligence while demonstrating none of his own. So, can you blame us for cutting them out of the equation?  The dream of automated, customer-driven retail was born farther in the past than you might think, as seen in this 1949 ad for Young & Rubicam, who seemed worried about how to advertise in the new world of the Keedoozle. I know. WTF is/was a Keedoozle?

Well, "Keydoozle" was the first automated grocery store, developed by Clarence Saunders in 1937. The whole concept was based around the idea of a vending machine. Customers inserted their paper "key" into a slot next to an item and pressed a button corresponding to sample items displayed in glass cubby holes. Their key was punched with coded holes that recorded the item and price. At the checkout, their key was read by a punchcard reader and the items were delivered via conveyor belt from the "stock room" side of the store, which was operated by a staff of humans.

Like lots of early "labor saving" inventions, it looks incredibly complicated to our modern ears*. The Keydoozle concept relied heavily on machinery that doubtlessly required lots of maintenance, and still required a staff of workers to run the stockroom. Was this any better or simpler than the old grocery cart system? Well, judging by the number of Keedoozle-like stores that we still have today, it seems like a solution to a problem that didn't exist. It didn't really catch on. At least in the massive automated bunkers of Amazon.com, they're running all that machinery to service a huge swath of the country, not just one store.

Saunders' idea was ahead of the technology at the time. We're using a similar system today, but UPC codes and laser scanners have finally made the self-checkout a viable option for people who don't want to have a conversation with a dead-eyed troglodyte who touches our food for us. I love the self-checkout... except when I get stuck behind someone trying to use it for the first time, or someone stuck in "mosey mode" loading up their grocery bags, like there's no one waiting for them to GTFO of the way.

And what about the goofy name, "Keedoozle"? That was the delightfully whimsical name that Clarence Saunders came up with. It's formed from the phrase "key does all". Once again, we see that inventors can demonstrate very poor judgement when it comes to naming their inventions. Did Clarence ever stop to wonder if people wanted to shop at at a store that sounds like it was named by a four-year-old? Well, we still have Piggly-Wiggly stores. Maybe I'm wrong about that.

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*I need to remember to use "looks complicated to our modern ears" again. That may be a new favorite phrase.

Graphic Gift - Grief-stricken clip art.

Everyone here at GO! Tower is preparing for the Second Invitational Intern Olympics, scheduled for this afternoon. The Research and Googling team has trained up a mighty contender for the stapler biathlon. They're no match, however, for management's thoroughbred counter-wiper, Gary. It should be a marvelous afternoon's sport.

In the meantime, please enjoy this Graphic Gift in the form of a vintage 1957 clip art of a miserable lady. She can be used to adorn your notes and memos, to make sure everyone knows how much light they bring to your day.  1600 px tall and 400 px tall. You're welcome!

Spot the Joke - Household chores.

Humor challenge, now, from 1949, the era before jokes were funny! Accept the challenge faced every day by the P.A.G! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. Maybe you've laughed at a baby falling down the stairs, or Scary Movie 3, so you think you can laugh at anything? Think again! Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "uncomic".

Theory #1 - The beleaguered couple has been forced to store their tomato slices on the counter, next to the sink, because their tomato rack is in disrepair. Instead of simply replacing the often-broken tomato rack, the spendthrift husband will attempt to repair it, despite his total lack of any qualifying skill. This is funny.

Theory #2 - After inviting their friends over for Saturday brunch, the wife now regrets complaining about washing all the dishes, now that her husband has apparently decided to murder their guests and dismember the bodies. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The husband is about to grudgingly begun to make good on his promise to "build lunch". This is funny.

Theory #4 - The husband is about to tackle a handful of household chores, which is odd. Usually a breakfast of "splats" leaves him tired and sleepy.

Theory #5 comes to us from comedy supersleith MisterFancyHotBalls_2. Thanks MFHB2! - The Husband has realized the Wife has become unchained from stove again, & no longer pregnant. So he will be building her a small "kitchen cage", after nailing the twin beds together for the evening. This is funny (in a sexist way).

Theory #1 - The woman has produced four puffs of breath, while the dog has produced three. This indicates that the woman was laboring harder than the dog during their walk. She will probably suffer from heart disease in her autumn years. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The homeowners have apparently purchased an area rug designed and signed by the profoundly unfunny comic artist Ted Key, who is not known for his understanding of humor or rug-making skill. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The wall is named "Hazel". This is funny.

Theory #4 - The dogwalker has returned, not to her own house, but to the home of Lucille Ball, who is either too polite or to frightened to alert the angry intruder to her mistake. This is funny.

Theory #5 - Both the dog and the woman are steam-powered. This is funny.

Theory #6 has been postulated by MisterfancyHotBalls_2 for your sanitation. Thanks again for helping us understand the comedy of the unfunny past, MFHB2! -  Housewife "Maria" is unhappy that her maid has just walked in with her son, who looks strangely similar to her husband "Arnold". This is funny(?) 

[Commenter theories will be published in this peer-reviewed journal.   -Mgmt.]

Crosley Appliances - TV worth watching!

We recently read about the now-defunct Crosley brand of motor vehicles, with their surprisingly unreliable tin plate engine block (No, really!). Well, appliances were their bread and butter. Surprisingly, not a single one of the items in this ad has a tin engine block. How bout that?

Crosley promises you happiness, with their complete line of appliances offering every home convenience, from refrigerators to freezers to stoves... and the best in home entertainment.

What's on TV? It's "Girl with Octopus on her Head!" The best in programming that 1949 had to offer! The show would start and she'd come on and shout "What's on my head, ever-boddy?", and the folks at home would all holler "It's an octopus!!!" and then dissolve in uproarious laughter. The show was sixty seconds long, and then the station went to static for twenty four hours. It's the only idea NBC had that season. With the success of "Girl with Octopus on her Head", NBC tried to follow up  with  "Gastropod Follies", but it was decided that the idea was too derivative, and didn't have the sparkle of "Girl with Octopus on her Head". The show was scrapped after two episodes.

After Girl with Octopus on her Head was over, Americans would switch over to channel 4, which featured white noise in a more pleasing shade of grey. Simpler times.

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Duck Feed.

The Phil Are GO! staff is recovering from a micro-pandemic of several types of flu, ranging from "stomach flu" to "hair flu". I myself had three simultaneous colds and nasal diarrhea. We thank our readers for their patience during the extended holiday misery. We're back now. My advice to you is to wash all your doorknobs and telephones in the dishwasher and start a regimen of antiviral cream rinse. Please enjoy these captions.

Joke #1 - In California, where "herbal remedies" and "alternative medicine" enjoy growing popularity, a father brings his son to a flock of naturopaths to cure his polydactyly. Nearby, an older gentleman awaits treatment for his hemorrhoids, and a young hustler seeks rehabilitation from her meth addiction.

Joke #2 - "Sundays were my favorite day. After church, my family would go down to a stream in the park, where my father taught me to take bread away from the ducks. They didn't earn it. They didn't make it. They didn't deserve it, those worthless, lazy, forty-seven-percenter ducks. Golly, we hated them so much! Good times."   -Excerpt from Mitt Romney's childhood memoir, 'My Values, My Nation'.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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