Kentucky Club Tobacco - Get pipe happy! You know what I mean.

So you're sitting there feeling all smug because we in the U.S. are so progressive with our (gradual) freedom to marry who you want and our (gradual) freedom to enjoy a drug that presents no more health risks than other drugs that have been legal for decades. Well, get a load of 1949! Two well-dressed men getting pipe happy, staring deep into each other's pipes and falling in love. Nothing to see here. Just selling a little tobacco.

Yep! who knows what those dapper gents will be up to in an hour or so? Maybe they'll be getting pipe happy all over again? To help you ponder, please enjoy this clip art extraction from today's ad, contrasted and titied up a little, for your miscellaneous pasting-in pleasure. Graphic Gift coming your way in three, two, one, GRAPHICGIFTINCOMING!!!! You're welcome!

You know, Bertrand, it's times like this when I play Pet Shop Boys tunes while staring deep into your smoke and I find it hard to remember my wif'e's name.

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Weather Baloon, 1960

Joke #1 - Minutes after releasing the world's largest weather balloon from the deck of the aircraft carrier Valley Forge, reports of UFOs skyrocketed among the crew of the aircraft carrier Valley Forge.

Joke #2 - Navy sends world's largest spermatozoa skyward, doing nothing to dispel stereotypes about sailors.

Joke #3 - Navy sends world's largest spermatozoa skyward. Sky says it "just wants to be friends". Sky's friends say it "can do better".

Bad joke #4 comes to us from MisterFancyHotBalls_2. We just can't stay mad at you! - What was later to be referred to as a joke "In very bad taste" by the commanding officer, the US Navy deployed the world's largest "Get Well Soon" helium balloon over the area Saddam Hussein's body was laid to rest. This was then followed by many moments of uncontrollable fits of laughter by the same commander & his crew. They were subsequently reprimanded & ordered to the ship's galley for pizza & shots.

Joke #5 comes from first time commenter, long time wanker Webe Gumbar. If only it could have been joke 121212. Maybe next time, Webe! - Recently declassified- In 1969 FBI Director, J. Edgar Hoover convinced newly elected President Richard Nixon to use a secret fund established by Howard Hughes to back CIA and military efforts to cause a giant raindrop to fall up instead of down, part of a larger government effort to shame and discredit radical songwriters Hal David and Burt Bacharach by negating the premise of their hit song "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head". The misguided stunt inspired the backwards vocal tracks in the Beatles song "Rain" while fueling numerous "told-you-so" rants among music critics and climate science deniers.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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News from science's leading front of science.

Two police officers practice hitching their legs up, all friendly-style, for more relaxed
good cop / good cop traffic stops and less-clenched cavity searches..

New hidden laundry alcove conceals horrifying shame of first-world sanitary conditions.

New tent attaches to camper van, brings seething resentment and awkwardness of domestic life
to great outdoors.

Scripto Satellite - The pen for the atomic age!

The Atomic Age is huge! Now there are atoms! Stop writing with whatever piece of shit pen you have in your pocket, you idiot! You need a pen for the Atomic Age! Hurry! Before you forget, write yourself a note... oh.

As we've reported before, in 1957, Science did this thing where they decided that this would be the year they figure a bunch of stuff out about Earth, and they gave it a name: The International Geophysical Year. Basically, we had decided that mankind was super smart and as a result we were all full of ourselves. Everyone was talking about the I.G.Y.

So, like anything technical, Marketing used it to try to sell you everything. How? By assuming you're as stupid as they are and will buy anything with some sciencey words sprinkled on it. This ad has a lot of bullshit to untangle. Words don't really have any meaning any more, once they've passed through the mouth of a marketing professional on the clock. Let's untangle!

"Scripto scientists discovered a new molecular formulation so superior to ink (but it's still ink), it was named (by the marketing department) COLORESSENCE."

"Magnificent Space-Satellite Design". A pen has a different job than a rocket. A rocket needs to pass smoothly through the atmosphere. The last thing you want from a pen is for it to be slippery. Perosnally, I don't like having to constantly choke up on my pen because my fingers keep slipping down. I guess my fingers are too atmosphere-shaped.

"Tele-Gauge cartridge". Transparent plastic. Invented 1856.

"Micro-gauged metal spring and cushioned cartridge". A spring. Invented in the 15th century. See finger illustration to help you understand the complexities of the miracle device.

"Writes perfectly at all angles!" Cartridge is pressurized. Second law of thermodynamics, 1797.

"Crystalloy". An alloy is a combination of two metals, first performed around 3600 B.C. All metals are inherently crystalline in form, regardless of whether they're alloyed with another metal or not. However, Marketing did notice that both words have the letter "L" in them, and so could be cleverly combined into a new word with no meaning.

"Jewel-smooth". Jewels are polished with abrasives, like most other substances, and so their smoothness isn't greater than that of any other substance. Actually, due to the hardness of minerals, a jewel is technically more likely to be rough than something softer would be.

"Deep-chill hardened". Ductile-brittle hardening, developed in the 1940s.

But at least the art is really cool to look at. Plus, I.G.Y. is a really good song from Donald Fagen's (one half of Steely Dan) 1982 solo album, The Nightfly, about his experiences growing up in the suburbs in The Fifties. It's worth noting that The Nightfly was one of the first albums to be digitally mastered. Now that WAS pretty advanced stuff for '82.

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Coronet VSQ Brandy - You know, I fray have to mame this ad.

Wonderful modernist booze ad news now, from 1957! Dateline, LIFE magazine, 1957! There's a really great modernist ad! And booze!

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No that isn't all! Couple things. Who designed this ad and what's brandy all about anyway?

First, I've just learned that brandy is made from wine. Heat up some wine to distill it, and what you have is basically brandy, with the impurities and heavier stuff left behind. This is probably why you just sip it. It's powerful stuff. If you guzzle it, A) You're probably a pirate and B) It's probably cut with water because and water didn't stay clean for long in the hold of a ship and you're a pirate. This also makes me wonder: if wine is something that routinely leaves me with a pretty good headache, does this mean that brandy may... do less of that because the impurities have been boiled off? Wups. Scratch that.

The impurities in booze that can cause headaches, particularly “dark” drinks like red wine, sherry, brandy, bourbon and beer, are legion.

There's also the part about dehydration, but that's just inherent in drinking alcohol of any kind. So, no, I don't think switching to brandy would solve the headache issue.

So who's the artist? Paul Rand, it clearly says on the waiter's apron. Turns out, he was a graphic designer who did lots of famous logos you're already familiar with. See?

He was a big deal in the modernist movement, which emphasized simplicity, readability, and clean, uncluttered design. Noble motivations, if you ask me. Apparently, there was a kind of disagreement between Rand and other artists when the postmodernist movement began.

Postmodernism kind of favored geometric shapes, like modernism before it, but, as this building shows, postmodernism was more than happy to use modern-looking shapes to decorate everything, junking up the design and generally giving me a headache, without the pleasure of drinking wine first. Any strip mall built in The Nineties, for example, looked this way. Rand, like any good modernist, valued simplicity, and hated this. I'm inclined to agree. This building would look better as a pile of rubble.

Wow. There's nothing like a good old graphic design war to get the blood going, right?

Anyway, this Coronet Brandy ad would look so good in a frame, I may just have to pop off to some kind of website and get it printed up all nice on some acid-free paper. It'd look good in my basement lounge. The hard part would be fitting the vertical shape into a frame. You'd need a matte, because you won't find a tall skinny frame just the exact size. Oh, the horror of framing drama and design wars! How DO we get by? By drinking of course.

Sears Caravan Coordinated Colors - Gronk add sweep and drama with Sears Caravan.

Gronk find nice picture living room in mag-a-zine from puny hoomans. Gronk not sure pastel colors are real or just old paper colors. Gronk like think colors real. Gronk like mid-century modern things. Gronk talk about picture now.

Gronk sad picture go across two page. That mean picture have ugly fold in middle or try to hide fold using com-pu-tor. Hoomans who know how use com-pu-tor not help Gronk. Say too busy and give Gronk chew snack. After finish chew snack, Gronk scan picture. Gronk do Gronk best.

Gronk like sensible use of color in 1957, after lots of garish color use in decorating in Nineteen Forties. Gronk wonder what hoomans thinking, with dark green wall-paper and bright red carpet back in Forties. Gronk glad to see that go away. Colors in picture from Sears nice. Gronk can really see Gronk relaxing in room like that. Here, Gronk show you...

See? Gronk unwind in room with Sears Caravan decor. Colors easy to coordinate for Gronk. Easy for anyone! Gronk like soothing earth tone with blue. Gronk use touch of red for accent color. Gronk have all neighbors over for cock-tail and gossip, before neighbor husbands all get home. Everyone jealous Gronk decor.

Gronk like wall art. Gronk know name for "art in three piece", called "triptych". Gronk know art in two piece "dyptich". Gronk not know name for art in four piece. Maybe sometimes call "who drop and break art?" GRAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH. Gronk make great art joke!

Hah! Dumb hoo-mans! You live in yard with paper picture of trees in yard! What? Gronk hope you not live next to Kool-Aid Man! Easy for him to run through trees, shout "Oh yeaahh!". This why thick walls make good neighbor, especially when neighbor is violent corporate mascot. Make insurance rates go high. This why Kool-Aid family not have nice things.

Me Gronk.

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Harvester Underwear - Semper quo operiebaris sub ubi. Also, Geordi Gras.

We would like to apologize for the lack of postage yesterday. The Phil Are GO! staff had the day off to work on their costumes for our Geordi Gras parade, which is the festival of Geordi La Forge, patron saint of engineering, reading, and abused air filters.

There's no wrong way to celebrate Geordi Gras, but we're trying.

Today's ad is all about underwear. Harvester bets you can't wear their underwear out., try as you might. How does one "try" to wear out your underwear? The few images that spring to mind are not tidy.

How do the pros at Harvester wear out underwear? Why, with a father-son underpants dance party, of course! Yep! That's right! Bleah!

There's nothing inherently creepy with this picture, assuming it's just a father and (hopefully) his son just doing the boogaloo in their underwear, but taken out of context, it should make your scalp to the heebie-jeebie like it's trying to crawl off your skull. So, what are we waiting for? Let's take it out of context! Graphic gift coming right up!

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There, isn't that better? Of course not. You're welcome! You can use this image to lend a little a lot of inappropriate street cred to any social function, from a company bake sale to a PTA meeting. When the authorities arrive at your house to borrow your hard drive, tell them we don't know you. I'm off to have a silkwood shower. See you tomorrow.