Trade School Sonnets, by Jane Austen - JSPA4 Solenoid-Pilot Actuated Valve

O, to be in love as a woman.
O, to have a love, as a human.
Am I as a foolish child,
with words that have meaning
lost on my new ears?
Words are wind.
Let me treasure the very air I breathe.
Let me measure and waste not a drop,
not a drop of this air,
so that I may have it.
For I must have it to tell you
of my love.

Let me be like the JSPA4 Solenoid-Pilot Actuated Valve.
Let my media be properly filtered,
for my words must be gentle.
Let my temperature range be monitored,
for high temperature coils are not available.
Let me be rated for continuous duty
at dual Hz operation,
for my heart sings with the vigor
of my love.
Let my inrush current be of twenty-four volts
DC,
so that you feel my passion
in your control unit.
Do you ask me of my flow capacity?
My love, you are my heart,
and my sun.
Ask not my flow capacity,
for it is boundless as the sea.
Until we are again together,
I have only words.
Words are wind.
Let me cherish the wind
like the JSPA4 Solenoid-Pilot Actuated Valve.
Also, it has a side-ported base.

Rear Twindow

Home improvement for genetic replicants news now, from 1957! Dateline, isolated meadow. Two identical humanoids build a house together far from civilzation, and they like to save money on heating and cooling bills. What replicant doesn't? Am I right, people?

If you wanted to sell a product in 1957, you'd better convince people it's MODERN. With WWII a still-recent memory and industry booming all over the place, everyone was keen to get the whole "future" thing going, post haste! What was truly modern in '57? Double-paned glass, goddamit! Gimme some now! A layer of air sealed between two sheets of glass creates a nice thermal barrier... at least, nicer than one sheet of glass.

But what's with these clones? Either they're living a hundred miles from anywhere, or their front door is on the back of their house, which opens on a spacious multi-state back yard. What do these duplicates know, to get them relocated to a verdant null space with no roads or sidewalks? Probably something about DARPA cloning experiments, duh. Looks like they're browsing the Sears catalog deciding on a new pair of dresses. Or maybe a third self?

Having your front door on the rear of your house would be handy if all your friends were woodland creatures. It would save them the trouble of walking round to the front of the house when they come to visit. Also, it would place Jimmy Stewart in the implausible position of being confined to a tree in order to spy on you and generally witness your murder and stuff. But then, he'd be super scared when the raccoon who murdered you came over to Jimmy's tree to try and push him out the window... of the tree, or something. Hey! You think this stuff is easy? I'd like to see you do better!

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Big Red Pump

Joke #1 - "Okay, Ron. We've opened it all the way this time. Try flushing again."

Joke #2 - "Wait. Cut. Hang on a second, guys. I'm getting some kind of noise coming through on the recording. Some kind of loud 'pumping' sound."

Joke #3 - The artificial aorta was still in the experimental phase, but in extreme cases like this, untested procedures must be considered. The patient was ready for implantation and seemed stable. However, there was always the risk of rejection issues."

Joke #4 - "Hey guys! Guys! Does this remind you of anything? Huh? You know...? Ha ha. Good one, right? Right?" The new guys at Enormous Pumps, Inc., always made that joke in their first week.

Joke #5 - Stan was puzzled. There was still that troubling variance at 75% flow rate. Was there a flaw in the casting that had been missed by QA? Maybe he'd try hitching up his other knee on the pump platform and see if that gave him any ideas."

Joke #6 - "Jeez, I dunno, Ron. This is the biggest one we have. Maybe it's your diet?"

Joke #7 comes from brainthought. Thanks, brain! - Bill suspected nothing, but Carl and Tom both knew soon the control room would be a Bill-Quarium. 


Joke #8 is from John Josef. Thanks, John! We didn't know you had in in you! - The three men waited eagerly as the AC Sonic Pump-O-Vac prepared to begin its stunning interpretation of la Boheme.


Joke #9 Comes to us from Anonymous 2, via the Sub-Etha, round the galaxy, round the clock. Thanks Non2! - Just then, Arthur realized he was at the wrong end of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation's "Big Red Galactic Pig", and hadn't had his hand in it's mouth at all.

Joke #10 is another pumpy submission from Fil! Thanks, Fil! - Startling new images reveal classic radio programs were equipped with technology far more advanced than previously believed. Though the tapes have long since disappeared, this image purports to show a young Carl Gluck (CBS Radio Network, circa 1940) at the microphone, while his assistants operate the oldest known auto-tune processor.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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Geomet Hardware Jewelry - "Oh honey, you shouldn't have. No, really."

Way back in the 1990s, I was in on the mountain biking boom. It came at just the right time for me, what with my first decent job out of college and a little disposable income. Every spare penny went to mail order offroad bike boutiques in California selling robot-carved aluminum bike components anodized in every color of the life savers rainbow. At races, the vendors came out to sell us non-functional bike stuff. I bought a bracelet made of multicolored spoke nipples and chain links from a company calling itself Sprocket Head. They don't seem to exist any more, but you can find loads of recycled bike parts made into jewelry on the web. Selling bike parts made into jewelry to sweaty members of the Fat Tire Tribe is one thing. Expecting normal women to wear jewelry made from wing nuts and cotter pins is quite another thing.

Back in 1956, two women started a company called Geomet, selling jewelry made from small fasteners and general hardware store stuff. I hope that all the hardware used in the construction of Geomet's product was some kind of stainless steel. Otherwise, they were likely to tarnish, turn colors, and leave creepy residue on the wearer's wrists. But, that probably wasn't a problem, as I can't imagine many women going for this idea. Ladies, feel free to comment in the comments.

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g

Memo - Little later today.

The offices at GO Plaza are having their wallpaper upgraded this week to a double-sided adhesive type that eliminates the need for shelves and coat racks. Although the start-up cost is substantial, we expect our Annual Small Items Storage Accessories Expenditures quotient to drop significantly.

Savings from this initiative will be funneled directly into our new effort to improve joke content on the blog. Look for an additional 2.6 jokes per week. Please tell your friends.

So, there will be a new post today, just a little later than usual. Probably around noon or something. Until then, please continually pound the REFRESH button on your browser as fast as possible. If your finger gets tired, please use a hammer.

Thank you for your patience.

[-Mgmt.]

1958 Pontiac Chieftain - No parking, even for you.

Obscure car news now, from your friends at GO tower! Ever heard of a Pontiac Chieftain? Me neither. Turns out it was one of Pontiac's first actual new designs after Doubleyuh Doubleyuh Eye Eye. Today's ad is from the car's final year of production: 1958. Hey look! A rocket!

The Images and Scanning Them squad apologizes for the krinkly and overall crappy scan of today's picture. The binding of this magazine didn't want to spread 'em for us, and it put up a fight. If the magazine's held together to 44 years, we'd be cruel to cut the thing apart just for the sake of getting a clean scan. There are plenty of jackwads who have no problem with destroying ephemera of our past and selling it to you for $10 a page, though. Besides, maybe if we keep them intact, future generations of snarky jerks like me can make fun of the pictures on the holographic blogs of the future or whatever? Or, maybe we'll cut them up and sell them when they can go for $100 a page? Who's laughing now? No, really. Who's laughing? I have no idea what people in the outside world are doing unless someone tells me in the comments.

Anyway, this car straddles the fence of old-and-cool / old-and-ridiculous. On one hand, it's way more sculpted and elaborate than any car you can buy today. On the other hand, all of the doo dads, chrome stars and rocket motor shapes look like it was designed by a ten year old boy. Your mileage may vary, of course. In any case, it's got two tone paint, one of which is orange. You don't see a lot of orange cars these days.

Here's something interesting, maybe. This ad spans the groin of the magazine. The magazine probably billed Pontiac for two ads - one full page ad on the right and one half page on the left. The half page probably cost less because there's no color in it... just black. So, Pontiac maybe saved a few pennies by buying a full page color ad and a half page in B/W, thanks to a thrifty designer. This adds up when you're buying space in a magazine that has a print run in the millions.

So, the man in the picture. What's his deal? The space guy looks like he's explaining to the man that he can't park his stupid car here, nomatter how rockety he thinks it is. "You'll have to move your vehicle to a minimum safe distance of 2200 yards, sir. Also, unless you're involved with the launch, I'll have to ask you to  move yourself also. Yes, it looks a lot like our rocket. In twenty minutes it'll look a lot like a smoldering pile of slag if you don't move the damn car... sir.

Pontiac mentions in tiny print that the windows are "safety plate" glass, as if this should reassure us that the car is thereby  immune to the effects of rocket exhaust. At least, that seems to be how the owner interpreted it. A little knowledge can be dangerous.

At least he should have put the top up if he's expecting to enjoy a rocket launch from 200 feet. Sure he'll get  a better view of the rocket as it heads for space, but it may be the last thing he sees. Maybe that's why this was the last year of production for the Chieftain? All the owners incinerated themselves because the car was too darn rockety.

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Acrilan Wear-Dated Clothes- Acrilan. Wear dated clothes!

People tend to view the past with rose-colored glasses. All of us here at Phil Are GO! are as guilty as anyone. However, all was not well in 1962. Here in The Future, they've gotten much better at making synthetic fibers that don't feel like you're wearing a door mat. Lots of perfectly normal clothes have some cotton and some stretchy syntho-fiber in them, and they feel and look okay. Back in '62, it was all very different. Chemstrand, a division of Monsanto Chemical Company, was partially to blame for the avalanche of plastic clothing that did so much damage throughout the sixties and seventies. Behold... the beast.

The Beast has many names, but here it is called "Acrilan". "Buy when you see this tag. Trust the big red 'A.'" They make a big deal about being rated for a year's wear. Does that sound so great? I mean, apart from the general awfulness of polyester clothes (Call it what you want, Chemstrand. It's polyester), is a year's use such a great achievement? I have clothes that have lasted several years. Hell, there are plenty of clothes that become dated and fall out of use before they wear out. Maybe Chemstrand means that their clothes can be work for a continuous year without structural failure? I'll ask the obvious question. Does anybody want that?

The man in the photo is draped provocatively over a school desk in front of a cyc wall (concave wall with no visible seams or corners). Obviously, he's someone's teacher. Bleah. Ladies, imagine you're back in school. If you walked into a classroom and you were greeted with this, how would you feel?

"Hi, Monica. You're early for class. No no no, that's just fine... great, in fact. I was... hoping to see you. Did I notice you noticing the great fit of my Charles Meyers slacks, by Chemstrand? I know. They're wear-dated. Are you? Hey! Where are you go- ???"

Did you have one of those teachers in high school who wore the exact same clothes every day, like a cartoon character? Except for special occasions, cartoon characters always wear the same clothes. Homer's white shirt and blue pants. Mickey's bizarre red shorts with the two yellow buttons. These clothes are part of the character design, which basically IS the character.

Your creeepy high school geometry teacher's Acrilan shirt and pants were part of his character design. He was divorced smelled kind of like Fritos, which basically smell like feet. ("Feetos"? Hm.). We have Chemstrand to thank for this guy. They put the idea into his head that it was okay to own one shirt and one pair of pants. Why not? It says right on the package that it was okay to wear for a year. Pity that it was someone's sophomore year.

Click for a big version, if that's what you're into.