The Progress of Today, Tomorrow!

Simple home-made gas mask is probably worse than just breathing unknown gas.

Tiny scientist warns of coming of giant, hideous, staring eyeball.

New whimsical child launcher can be fitted with selection springs for ammunition of varying
weight. Less effective after projectile bedtime. Also, possibly immoral unless ammunition has
been really really naughty.

International Trucks - What can orange do for you?

Yesterday was absolute shit. One of the wheel-swallowing potholes, to be readily found around Chicgao at this time of year, went ahead and swallowed my wheel. Instant pinchflat of the non-repairable variety. It was 5:30 a.m. so it was still completely dark outside and pissing down 36 degree rain, so i limped the car to the nearest underpass to try and get out of the rain. Once there, I immediately saw that I'd be trying to change a tire in a basically flooded underpass with three inches of muddy ice water to kneel in. Once in place, the jack was half submerged, which meant that every time I turned the crank, my hands were underwater. On the plus side, the water soon began to feel warm to me, which was good and bad, because it actually hadn't changed temperature. Luckily, I didn't drop any of the lug nuts in the water and the pathetic temporary-use spare had the gas to hold up the car. Small favors. Abandoning any hopes of making it into the office, I hobbled the car back home and took a very long shower of raw flame, trying to regain the sensation in my hands. As you may guess, the next six hours of my day were spent sitting in the Customer Holding Pen of the tire place, three hundred dollars lighter, purchasing two new front tires (Because you always replace them in pairs. Everyone knows this.), one of which was covered by my "Chicago Pavement Chasm Insurance Optional Tire Policy That You're Stupid if you Don't Buy It" and NOT buying a new rim, because, by some stroke of luck, I hadn't destroyed the rim.

This morning, I re-attempted to drive on Chicago's highways, and so I was rewarded with a rock, kicked up by a semi, that shattered the quarter window on my driver's side. I promise I'm not making this up. Life is good.

Hey. Nice orange truck. It's funny how I find myself unable to think of anything funny to write just now. Please enjoy this truck on alpha. Or don't. See if I care.

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Postless post - Power Bar Flavors, assemble!

It's 36 degrees outside, which makes it Frisbee day. Instead of a post, please enjoy this post-that's-not-a-post: PowerBar flavors, new for your spring training regime! Some have been illustrated by the Phil are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Squad, for your sanitation.

• Wintergreen
• Unscented
• Mint Woodchuck
• Vanilla Flopsweat
• Wham-O Brand Silly Putty Surge
• Gorilla
• Pantene Fresh Rinse

• Powerbar All-Fabric Safe Formulation
• Molecule #9
• Dual-Viscosity Blend
• High-Mileage Care
• Explosion of Bland

• Flav-O-What?
• Mouth Punch
• Eat-U-Dare
• Ham-Plosion

• Buttberry
• Food Simulant #6
• Peanut Smear
• Deep Musk
• Flavo-No!
• Squat Thrust Fistberry

• Choco-Grunt
• Locker Fresh
• Bubble Snap Meatloaf
• Grand Nut Buster
• Nut Grand Buster
• Busty Nut Grand
• Oxy-Clam

• Windex Swirl
• Cheese Wow
• Fruit Guess
• Caramel No Really
• Slow Droop

• Waterproof Melon
• Grape Laminate
• Meat Plank
• Strengh Grow
• Let's Health!
• Carb-Wish

Army Specialist School - learning is special when you're special.

All the Army wants to do is help you learn stuff. It's just a big trade school with a placement program called "The Korean War". Yeah yeah, whatever. We're here for the clip art.

Look at that happy gent, fixing that engine. "A secure and congenial way of life"? Zoom out the camera a little bit and you'll see he's in the middle of a jungle with bullets whizzing overhead. But the important thing is, he's happy to be learning in 1950. Here in The Future, he can still serve you. It just takes a little 'Shopping. here, let me get that for you.

See? Now he's ready to help you show the world what you're learning! As Schoolhouse Rock taught us, "Knowledge is power!" Print him out and fill in his knowledge square. For example:

• Look what I'm learning: You've been cheating on me!
• Look what I'm learning: The dog's in the downstairs freezer.
• Look what I'm learning: We're out of coffee again, and it's your week to shop.
• Look what I'm learning: I have chlamydia!
• Look what I'm learning: I can do better than you.
• Look what I'm learning: Engines are hard.
• Look what I'm learning: "Secure and congenial" can mean lots of things.
• Look what I'm learning: You snore like a wood chipper.
• Look what I'm learning: No one cares about results as long as I look busy!
• Look what I'm learning: Signaling lane changes is a sucker move.
• Look what I'm learning: Majoring in business is basically majoring in "undecided".
• Look what I'm learning: I can't feel my legs!
• Look what I'm learning: You're STILL cheating on me, and now we both have chlamydia!

Inventions of Science for everyone! - The Future Was Now!

Marvellous stove has television built in. Wife chains sold separately.

Tractor cost just $50 to build, but looks like a million bucks 661 Pesos about $49.95!

Built in living room ranch of Art Rosatti of Rock Springs, Wy., well
immediately struck untapped reservoir of dog whiz, a nearly valueless
commodity on open market.

Car Week, Day 5, but really 4 - An upside down car.

After taking a quick break yesterday for a perfectly appropriate valentine's post, today we complete our full (not really) week of comprehensive lack of coverage of the 2014 Chicago Automotive Disappointment Parade by making some jokes about this picture of an upside down Nash. Get ready to take it in the face, old picture!

Joke #1 - Man parks car, escapes.

Joke #2 - Nash Motors hit with class action lawsuit over "unintended inversion".

Joke #3 - Man crawls from wreck after plummeting to bottom of Chicago pothole. Am I right, people? Huh? HUH? I said AM I RIGHT?

Joke #4 - After thousands of driver complaints, 1950 Nashes recalled for being built completely upside down.

Joke #5 - New 1950 Nashes hit showrooms, trip.

Joke #6 - Nash product manager demonstrates new "Tickle tickle tickle, yeeeaah who's a good boy? Who's a goooood boy? Yes you are!" feature of 1950 models.

Joke #7 comes to us from first time responder, Mr. Cybrarian. Thanks, sir! - "They say our cars look like bathtubs. Here you go. Take a bath, flip it over and recline the seats and go to sleep."

Sal Darigo sent us Joke #8 Talk about a "bumper" crop, ah-HAHAHAHAHAHAH! - The Amalgamated Bathtub Corporation debuted its new line at the National Fixture and Accessory Convention today. Critics derided the new "Splendomatic Deeluxe" line as looking too much like an upside down Nash.

Aaaand Charlie zings us with a joke #9 I feel stupid for not having thought of myself! You'll pay for this, Charles!!! - "52 years of payments and I'm still upside down in my car loan!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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Valentine's Day card spactactular! - One card! It's spectacular!

Well, the Phil Are GO! Secondary Market and Garage Sale Assault Squad dropped this little gem on my desk back in December, after performing a tactical Interesting-And-Not-Too-Expensive-Christmas-Card sweep of the western suburbs. I had to sit on it until now, which wasn't easy. I decided to post it today (the 13th) instead of tomorrow (the 14th) to give our readers a chance to perhaps grab it and do something wonderfully inappropriate with it in time for the actual day. It's a Valentine's Day card from 1911, and it's adorable. See?

Aaah, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA! Look how cute! He's checking out her underpants! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA And he might even be wondering about "teh butt sex". HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Kids are such rascals! So adorable! Such innocence!

Okay, I just noticed something. Apart from the overall misshapen "cute" physiology of the drawings, with their gigantic heads, this little girl is bending over in an impossible way. She's way off balance. Either she's wearing some of those turn-of-the-century "horse glue shoes" or the sidewalk is graded very steeply uphill (but then why don't the apples roll away?). Here, let me show you.

I traced her skeleton in magenta. See? Nobody can lean over like that, except maybe Dorf, who is a grown man buried up to his knees in a golf course.

This is an outrage. Can we expect no better from the troglodytes of 1911, who brought us the wonders of trench warfare and mustard gas? Well, maybe not. Anyway, I shouldn't let something as trivial as a careless bit of drawing distract me from the timeless wonder of childhood perversions. Wait! Maybe the little boy ISN'T thinking about her ladyparts? Maybe he's marveling at her obvious feat of gymnastics: picking up and apple by bending ninety degrees at the waist with her fifteen pound "precious moments style" head hanging well outside her center of gravity? We all need to agree that that must be the case.

There. Faith in humanity restored.

This is about as funny as Dorf gets.

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