Tru-Site - Dog. Fneh. Dog. Dog.

Werbert liked dog. Dog nice. Werbert get up very extra early to be with dog before school start.

Werbert hurry through eat breakfast. One boiled egg, and one toast. Hurry to see dog! Werbert hands flap as he run down hallway to get to dog, that hang on wall by front door. Werbert used to call front door "dront door", but not any more. Werbert get smarter now. Practice say "effs". Werbert think dog like him better now.

There was dog! Right where yesterday! Fneh! Werbert laugh in mouth to see dog! Big laugh in mouth! Dog dog dog! Werbert get up close to dog. Feel good see dog. Werbert press face on dog. Feel cool on face. Cool flat dog. Werbert stay by dog till time for go school. Maybe three hour? Werbert not sure. Mom say when time go school.

Nice dog. Feel nice be by dog. Fneh.


Internet 1.0 shirts - Obsolete online.

Are you old enough to remember when "logging on" to anything was a tingly thrill? Games were mate of text, and every online service was a walled garden because everything outside it was the hard vacuum of space. In case people can't tell you remember those exciting be-mulletted days, we've put together some obsolete tech t-shirts. How did we know there was a shortage of these shirts? Because we wanted them for ourselves and couldn't find any. Niche filled.

All are available in our Spreadshirt shop, with choice of shirt type and color. In the case of the Compuserve shirt, you can pick the print color as well. Such a time we live in!

Netscape shirt.
This shirt features the original 64x64 Netscape launcher icon. Even at seven-or-so inches wide, it's still 64x64 gigantic pixels, for your 1200 baud browsing pleasure. Warning: The shirt's print is low-resolution, and meant to be that way. Do not come whining to us if you're horrified by the pixels.

See? Pixels. The shirt's print is exactly this, but shirt-sized. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Zork shirt.
Theatre of the mind, man. We don't need to fancy pictures to have an advanture. Text is where it was at. Don't get eaten by a Grue. At least, not without your Zork shirt on.

No, Zork wasn't an online game. Far from it. But it is now! If you want to Zork it up in a web browser, here you go. Knock yourself out.

Compuserve shirt.
It was AOL for boring business people. Don't worry. AOL and Compuserve are both equally obsolete now, so no need to argue about it. Spreadshirt's terrible vector art uploader managed to interpret this file properly. That means you can get it printed in one of a bunch of colors on whatever shirt you like. Use your freedom of choice... your freedom of choice! Da na na na na na na nana nah.


Up Your Decor - Such art!

Hey there, compulsive decorators! Do you think we've decorated together very recently, and we should leave things be for a while? Well, kill yourself!!!! You're a horrible person!!!! All of you who are left, let's decorate it like it's on fayaahhh!

Oooooh! So very rustic! So rough! Even the windows look like they were hacked from a glass tree with an axe! This room is simply thrusting with coarse, brutal masculinity! It's almost violent in it's passion! I bet Gronk would just love the hell out of it! Do you think Gronk would like sleeping here? I bet he'd feel right
at home among the Orcishly hewn beams. I think he'd be so inspired with brutal urges that he'd just grab the nearest lady and express all his masculinity in every way possible and stuff! Wow, doesn't it just
make you feel... gosh, is it hot in here? Wowie wow wow. Moving on...

This mathematically impossible Escher-realm is devilishly designed by Meek VanDerWhirl, and cannot be expressed in a three-dimensional reality. The chair-and-end-table feature will make you think there's a mirror dividing the room, but there isn't!!! Hey! Let's examine the art objects hanging on the wall object!

Oh my goodness! It's Tor Johnson's seminal work "Tears of my Feces"!
The lucky person that lives in this tesseract of sophistication is a
discerning collector!
Gasp! And the other art is Erno Bleah's "Shiny Oprah Considering Going
s"! I thought this one was destroyed in the Completely Reasonable
Art Riots of 1966! I'm so glad I was wrong!
Wow! After all that artistic appreciation, I feel the need to retire to the extradimensional null-space
at the top of the stairs. Won't you create a spacetime transgression with me and share a cup of tea?
This otherwise conventional space is screaming with verve and dynamism, thanks to the clever
designer's choice of arts! Let's go in for a closer artlook, shall we?
Aah, yes I thought it might have been, and it is! This is Melba Fishwhistle's powerful work "Unshaven Fan with Partial Whiskers".
And this is Helmut  Lazenglint's "You Call That a Signature?". It really makes you want to rethink how you feel about writing someone else's name without paying attention, doesn't it?
Next, we find Stephanie Japanwich's "Mid-Spurt"! 

Just in case you think that art is all about not pinching combs, this painting is here to completely
blow your mind! "Pinched Comb" artist Gloverick Wheent does not apologize for destroying your world view! Boom!
Oh my word. I never thought I'd see it in person, but this piece is more overwhelming than I
thought it'd be. This example of genius is Beaufort Hamkirk's career-defining sculpture, "You Idiots Will Buy Anything And I Fucking Hate You". My gosh, I could stare at this piece for days. So much to learn from it. That's enough decorating for today, decorators.
I'm spent!


Optimio Standing Desk


Pay TV, 1955 - How will this work?

As early as 1955, Americans were trying to figure out how to get people to pay for television. You maybe didn't know that till just now, but can you really be surprised? As soon as there was a TV in every living room in the country, of course someone was trying to figure out how to put a coin box on it.

This article is from the October 1955 issue of Popular Science, and people were understandably pissed at the idea of paying for TV. Please enjoy this outline of the proposed janky and complicated methods to deliver programming to the consumer for money, using 1955 technology (wires, gears, magnets, and levers, pretty much).

These images are the Maximum-allowed-by-Blogger 1600 px tall. Click it to big it, baby.


Dexter Shoes, 1970 - That's funky?

Yeah! Groovy! The Seventies! Everybody's getting funky! What's that mean? Who cares? Maybe we can use it to sell our very ordinary looking shoes? Yeah! Funkytime! You know! Frank Zappa! Freedom! Rebellion! Flared trousers! Shoes your banker might wear! Lazy marketing!

This ad was scanned from the November, 1970 issue of Esquire Magazine, the journal of the well-heeled American douchebag. And, in 1970, the fancy prick-about-town was interested in appearing "down with the movement". As any hyper-groovy member of the counter-culture would tell you, the supreme arbiter of truly funky togs is the advertising manager of Esquire, Inc.

So, uuh, these shoes are "funky" - at least they are on the Dexter scale, which is a measurement of  a shoe's funkiness measuring anywhere from zero to zero and a half. On the Dexter scale of funkiness, they're burying the needle. But that's what marketing does. Take whatever the latest fad is, stick it on your product and pretend you're "with it".

You want to see funky shoes? Look no further than Bootsy Collins, bass player for Parliament Funkadelic. Dexter, take notes. if you're going to invoke the name of funk, you'd better have your shoe-shaped house in order.
Boom. Funk complete.
Let's re-do the Dexter ad with more appropriate images, as befits the Dexter scale of funkiness. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, give up the funk, because weeee love the funk!

Yeah, man! Fun-keeee! By Dexter! Whoa, bay-beh.


Maritime Disaster Songbook


The arm hose box test.

Joke #1 - Test one, session forty-three. Sexual attraction detector still seems to be non-functional. Will try re-attaching sensor with wires reversed to see if result changes.

Joke #2 - It always made Sandra feel good to stop by the Red Cross to donate a box of blood.

Joke #3 - Winston's card tricks were getting tediously complicated.

Joke #4 - "Nope. It's the two of clubs. Looks like we draw another pint. Jeez, you're getting bad at this."

Joke #5 - Magic, The Gathering did not start out as such a simple game.

Joke #6 - "I see your pint and raise you a teaspoon."

Joke #7 - "Wups! I sneezed in the box. I'll have to throw this one out, too. I hope you've got another pint in you. I really need a better way of storing blood, huh?"

Joke #8 - "That's strange. These readings indicate you're annoyed and want to go home."

Joke #9 - "Egad! Sandra! It says you're a jazz lover! Say it's not so!"

Joke #10 - Of course, Mrs. Schrodinger's blood wouldn't actually be of one type or another until the box was opened...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


The Engine

Get the shirt? Get the shirt!


Head Check

Joke #1 - The worst part was not getting an earbud stuck in his head. It was the fear that, when the doctor extracted it, it might still be playing the Howard the Duck soundtrack album.

Joke #2 - "Wow. Crazy night, huh, private? Well, it looks like this isn't a temporary tattoo. It's the permanent kind. But look on the bright side. Maybe The Captain and Tenille will be big again soon?"

Joke #3 - "Okay, I'll need to probe around a little in your brain. Tell you what. Start going 'duuuuh' repeatedly, and if you suddenly stop, I'll know I need to back off, okay?"

Joke #4 - "Yep. Your ears look good. Hey, do you mind if I look a little deeper in there for a second? I'm looking for Sarah Connor."

Joke #5 - August, 1955. The first federally-funded pierced ear creates an uproar in the armed forces.

Joke #6 - "Jeez, Private. You can't just let every magic leprechaun you come across do whatever he wants. You know, I think your head might be pregnant. Also, there's no such thing as leprechauns, idiot."


Careful Car Care #5


Honor House Products - Records your voice at home!

You might think, at first glance, that this record recorder was made by Hohner, the famous musical instrument company, but nope, there's no "H". It's "Honor". Also, there's a "House" after it, so, really "Hohner" doesn't look much like "Honor House" at all, really.

Anyway, yeah, recording records at home  sounds kind of fun, if you're stuck in 1964 and there's three channels on your TV. But just like your inkjet printer, they could give you the device for free and still make money off of all the ink / blank records you'll be buying over the next three years until the thing breaks.

I have a bunch of old radio recordings downloaded from Archive.org, and I now have to wonder how many of them still exist thanks to nerdy people with home record recorders like this one, sitting next to their radio, with the mic' shoved up against the speaker. Plenty of those old radio shows definitely sound like they were recorded not from an original broadcast master, but rather from an inexpensive microphone inside a plastic bag stuffed into a dead raccoon... shoved up against the speaker.

Anyway again, hey, clip art lady! She has a sassy attitude and deserves to sass around on your hard drive for a rainy day. Here you go. I need another coffee you're welcome or whatever grumble grumble.


Are The Beatles a Menace to our Kids? - The Lowdown Magazine, July, 1964

In July 1964, Completely Legitemate Journalistic Outlet, Reliable Source of Horrified Outrage at Sexuality, and Reliable Source of Sexual Content, The Lowdown Magazine blew the lid off the hideous plot to destroy our youth and undermine all of Western Civilization known as The Beatles.

First, the cover, unretouched and exactly as it ran in '64. The Lowdown would only be made less funny by any Photoshopped attempts to make it funnier. Admittedly, whipping cults are now required by the CDC to wash more regularly, so that's one debt of thanks we owe to The Lowdown.

We now present the complete Beatles Expose', for your scandalized enjoyment. You know the drill with images: click it to big it, baby.


Feces Today