Borden - Yikes, dollface!

When we last saw the Borden anthropomorphic cow family, they were only a painting - a terrifying vision of gene-splicing gone hideously wrong. In this ad, they're freaky little dolls, hoping to tempt you into eating some food made from juices squozen from their very bodies. Brace yourself.

Because I'm a genius, I didn't put a date on the previous Borden post, so I don't know what year it was published, but I seem to remember it being from 1951 or so. This one is from 1957, and I want to believe that Borden switched to dimensional characters because of overwhelming negative feedback on their painted characters, who all looked like they had masses of loose skin due to their recent gastric bypass surgery. That would make sense, since the Cow family apparently take great delight in eating rich foods made from their own bodily fluids.

These are clearly dolls. Borden seems to have abandoned the effort to paint lovable humanoid cows. Well done. These new dimensional versions seem to have had some retouching on their faces, just to "plus them up" as they say in the ad biz. They look like zombies. The retouching is most evident on Mom Cow. Click the full picture above to see her at high resolution. Dad cow, pictured at left, is simply the most terrifying of the three. He looks like he's craving delicious brains, made only with Borden's wholesome dairy products, of course.

I've always been unsettled and confused by the practice of making up a mascot for your food corporation whose products are made from the mascot. For example, Charlie the Tuna craves nothing so much as to be killed, ground into a pulp, packed in a can, and eaten by humans. When I look at Mother Cow holding the cake, it's hard not to imagine her back in the kitchen making the cake, squatting over the bowl, squeezing her dugs directly into the batter for the freshest cake possible. Bleah. Thankfully, this doesn't interfere with my love of milk. I just try not to think about what it took to bring it to my table. Even if I do imagine the goings on at a dairy farm, it's only "a little weird". By contrast, I find the idea of a sentient, part-human cow-woman milking herself for the Borden company absolutely disgusting. What I've learned is this: advertising simply ceases to work once you start thinking anything through.

Know what, though? That cake looks really really good. I wish it didn't.

Rice Krispies - Snap, Crackle, and Popgun

Here’s something we don’t see any more: overtly aggressive wartime ads. In 1943, it was all about the war effort. WWII wasn’t an ambiguous war, or one that was hard to sell to the American public. Hitler was a guy who was very clear about wanting to take over the world. This made it very safe for advertisers to depict their mascots as angry killers.

Here, we see Snap, Crackle, and Pop with rifles, tearing across the water in a shore craft, ready to fight for the American way of breakfast. It’s okay to stare. We haven’t seen anything like this in sixty years. Even considering the “all for one” attitude that was prevalent at the time, it’s hard to think that nobody looked at this ad and said “Hey, settle down, guys. It’s just cereal.”

But wait there’s more. Easily missed in the lower left of the illustration is a little fish, fleeing the Rice Krispy guys. The fish is an obvious caricature of Hideki Tojo, Prime Minister of Japan from 1941-44. Is it possible to draw a caricature of someone from a different racial background without resorting to racism? I think it is, and this illustrator definitely took the easy way out. Of course, at the time, the U.S. wasn’t really worried about being racially insensitive to the Japanese, considering the whole Pearl Harbor thing. But from a modern perspective, it’s just really weird to see major advertisers putting this kind of stuff in cereal ads. Actually, the fish could be almost any Japanese caricature. This is pretty much the standard WWII method to draw any Japanese person. Lots of old wartime cartoons depicted the Japanese exactly like this. Even after the war, it would be a few decades before everyone decided that it wasn’t cool to be casually racist for the purposes of light humor.

This ad features one of my pet peeves: Intentional misspelling for an easy trade mark. “Crispy” is spelled with a “C”, see? But you can’t put a trade mark on a single word unless it’s a new nonsense word you made up. So, spell “crispy” with a “K” and you can stick your flag in it for exclusive advertising use. This is fine, so long as the victim- err… consumer knows better. Otherwise, the advertiser is just teaching ignorance to a population that is already made up of terrible spellers. Dodge once made a version of the forgettable Neon compact car called the “Expresso”. Do you know how many people think the italian coffee is actually called “expresso”? MOST people! Once and for all, it’s called ”espresso”, and Dodge wasn’t helping people to seem less stupid by mangling the word for the sake of a trade mark. This phenomena is still in heavy favor, especially with the letter “Z”. “cray-zee”, “boyz”, “fanz”. Fortunately, nobody thinks these words are properly spelled this way… yet. That’s America for you: always willing to spread a little ignorance to move some product. “YOU EZZ AY!” YOU EZZ AY!”

Parade of Patents - Good ideas gone to waste.

Get ready to do a lot of beholding! The 1960 Parade of New Patents is here! No time to explain why you should give a crap! Just hurry up and give a crap! The parade is starting!

Behold the Adjustable Umbrella Holder. William Conrad’s very simple and nearly invisible doohickey is worn over the shoulders at all times. In sunny weather, the detachable umbrella section is stowed unobtrusively across the back. At the first sign of rain, the user removes the device to un-stow the umbrella section, inserts the umbrella section into the socket, tightens the wingnut, places the device back on the shoulders, and adjusts the swivel ball joint for optimum angle. Having done this, the wearer can now light a pipe or cigarette. With the umbrella section removed and stowed in back (in "nice weather mode"), others will hardly notice the bracket at all as they ask if you’ve been in a car accident.

 Behold the Tie-On Ice or Water bag, by Leona E. Prietzsch. With this new marvel, the dream of wearing favorite liquids of all kinds pressed to the forehead becomes reality, with only ordinary agony and cranial hemorrhage as side effects. Happily anticipate your own grimace of delight!

Behold the Powered Pogo Stick. Gordon Spitzmesser realized that ordinary pogo sticks were far too simple, light and silent. He designed a pogo stick with a single-cylinder engine, triggered by impact with the ground. The motorized design can achieve greater height and noise than traditional pogo sticks. The device only requires simple 16-hour annual maintenance for years of fun. Each fall, the oil must be drained and replaced. Battery must be trickle-charged over winter. Fuel additive is required to avoid varnish build up in the fuel lines during disuse. The powered Pogo Stick can be operated safely with one hand, with the use of a special stabilizer tie, available in three patterns and colors.

Accident Investigation - A sexy tragedy.

Today, we learn once again that investigating accidents is not only a hilarious and super gnarly way to make a living, it is also a great way to meet chicks, or dames, depending on your era. This ad is from 1960, so I think we can say “chicks”.

 Check it out, man. That guy just ran over a hot babe, and sure he’s too freaked out to enjoy peeping at her gams, but YOU, as the accident investigator, aren’t worried about getting thrown into the slammer. So, you park your Valiant near the scene and take charge of the very hot, erotic accident action.

Thing number first, you need to get that mug back in his car. He’s only cramping your style. “Scram, Charley. You sit tight and maybe wet your pants or something. Back in your jalopey post haste, you get me? I got some investigation to look at.” you whip out your official accident investigation note pad, followed closely by your Universal Schools logo pen. Clickety click, and you’re ready to take some juicy notes.

“Mmmm. Victim: very female. Late twenties.

Lips: full. Pouty, slightly parted. Sensuous.

Sweater: Cashmere. Straining against the burgeoning cones of her ultra-modern brasierre.  Me likey! I plan to investigate their accident more fully later on.

Skirt: Thrown up delightfully high by the violence of the impact, or possibly a lucky breeze. If there were any more leg visible, I’d have an accident of my own!

Purse:  White, with strewn contents. Hey! Five bucks! Yoink!

Other notes: One giant magazine. Ah! She’s the brainy type! Careful though, she may have been bringing the giant magazine home to her giant husband, and by the looks of things he may be thirty or forty feet tall. I’d better do all my investigating before he shows up!

Conclusions: Judging by the position of the car, the nerd must have backed over the babe in question, knocking her giant magazine from her hands. Driving backwards in 1960 is considered an act of communism. He makes me sick, this backwards-driving, dame-flattening nerd. I have no choice but to punch him in the nuts and triple his premium, the commie bum.

Thank god I was here. Me! The red-blooded all-American accident claim investigator. Thank you, the Universal Schools!

GE Automatic Laundry - Convenient drudgery.

Joke #1: "Dear Sexual Stereotype magazine. I've never written a letter like this before, but just the other night I was in the basement ironing clothes for my husband when a funny thing happened…”

Joke #2: In the years of the post-war boom, middle-class Americans enjoyed many luxuries of the automatic age. Worries of household mishaps became thing of the past, thanks to new technological wonders. Here, a happy housewife reads her mail while having her leg reattached with the help of her General Electric MagicSurgeon.

 Joke #3: Here in the modern, liberated fifties, women are free to live out their dreams as never before. For example, while her husband is out playing golf, Jeannie runs her own her basement laundry service, which helps to bring in extra cash for those little things that make life more pleasurable, like a new set of golf clubs, for example.

Joke #4: In the modern home of 1952, lame or crippled persons are no longer a drain on society. This one-legged woman has been installed into this home laundry press, where she can live out a happy, fulfilling life as an integral part of a marvelous ironing machine.

Joke #5: In the modern press-putton home of the future, as envisioned by GE, time spent laboriously buffing your knees in the past can now be used on more enjoyable activities, thanks to the new General Electric Patella-Tron.

 

Joke #6: “Dear Gary, I know you cannot understand what I’m about to tell you, but I feel that I must try, if for no other reason than to put my mind at ease. I’ve always felt that our relationship was based on honesty, and I still feel I owe you that much. I’m leaving you for the GE Automatic Ironer. I know what you’d say if I told you face to face: ‘This is crazy’. That’s why I’m writing you this letter. You see, for many months I’ve……”

Seaforth - Fathers' day caucus.

I've never heard of Seaforth grooming products. By the looks of the ad, fathers used Seaforth products on the campaign trail to win the love of the fickle pre-teen male electorate, who could vote, apparently.

It is a little known fact that president Eisenhower's landslide 1952 election victory against Adlai Stevenson was won in large part by his devotion to the concerns of boys all over America. Stevenson mistakenly addressed pre-adolescent male issues with reason and even-handedness, having been thrown off the mark by poorly conducted early election polls. Eisenhower easily won the confidence of boys aged 8-12 with his widely embraced "no more girls" policy and strong opinion against slingshot control. After winning the endorsement of Dennis the Menace, Eisenhower's victory was all but assured, and Stevenson was handed a stinging defeat.

This ad features a really great painting by an unnamed artist. It's got that beautiful impressionistic brushwork that I envy so much in the work of Gil Elvgren and Haddon Sundblom. As always right click on it for a larger version.

It reminds me of my days as an adoring boy, greeting my dad at the breakfast table on Fathers' Day, carrying hand-lettered signs smeared with feces, just like in the picture. Great days.

Sunbeam Hair Dryer - Heat haze.

Joke #1: "My Sunbeam Beauty Blur system keeps me beautifully out of focus all day long. From a light and breezy two pixels to a romantic seventy-five pixel blur, Sunbeam makes me gorgeously gaussian!"

Joke #2: Sunbeam's Controlled Heat hair dryer dries your hair thoroughly and quickly at any temperature you select, even those hard-to-dry areas where hair is thicker, like the small of your back, or behind your knees...

Joke #3: The extra large cap fits any hair styling, from sensible flips to insanely bulbous up-do's that will baffle generations to come.

Joke #4: "The Lady Sunbeam's controlled heat hair dryer fondles your hair with a gentle flow of air. The head-groping cap assures the most intimate fit while it blows your head to completion.

Joke #5: "With my Lady Saigon Reeducation Cap, I can be rehabilitated into society through the glory of labor and the extinction of American imperialist ideas... all while keeping my hair shining at it's radiant best!"

Joke #6:"What's that dear? Yes, I'll be playing bridge with Judy and Trish this afternoon. You'll be home for dinner, won't you? Yes, I'm making Salmon tonight. What time will you be home? What's that? I'm sorry, honey, I can't hear you. You'll have to speak up. I'm plugged into the Hive Mind. yes, the Travoltas and Cruises say 'good luck' with the presentation today."