Gronk You Answer - Gronk answer you!

Dear Gronk,
Is is your experience that in Vancouver, the carpets match the drapes?
Curious in Georgia

Dear Curious,
Gronk never go Van-coo-ver, but have strong feeling about carpet match. Sometimes, Gronk feet go on wall, not just floor. Gronk not proud of this, it happen. So, carpet and drape should be same stuff.

Also, hair on whole body should be same color. If not, then maybe top and bottom of person come from two different person? Gronk not like think about that. No like.

Me Gronk!

Dear Gronk,
this not is you, is you is? http://www.plbsports.com/gronk.html
Auntie Beak

Dear Beak Aunt,

Grraaaaa??? NO! Gronk not know what "gronk flake" is. Gronk not like fake Gronk sell fake Gronk food! Gronk food not come in "flake" form! Gronk food come in form of lobster Thermidor with truffles in brandy sauce and steamed asparagus with sliced almonds! Ask anybody! GRAAA! Gronk not like!!! Fake Gronk is "sub-optimal"!!!

Me Gronk!

Hey Gronk
I Gargoyle
We2 no hooman study hard them crazy ones. Big haha!
See, USs laff Euros, me big auto u smallcar hahaha
Euros laff USs u car cant turn corners - too big hahaha
Bothem cars steat with wan
They wan-cars! hahahahahahahahahaha
Gronk good.
Nathan deGargoyle

Dear Nathan,

Gronk confused by question-that-is-not-question. Something about cars in US and cars in Euro? Gronk think you sound sophisticated. Well traveled. Gronk only go to community rec center for afternoon ping pong and then back to dumpster for quiet evening at home. Maybe if Gronk get car, Gronk could "expand horizons", whatever that mean.

Me Gronk!


Gronk is not a board certified therapist. Gronk is a celebrity advisor and life coach, and is a staff member of several support group outreach centers. His replies are intended for entertainment purposes only, and should be followed up by consultation with a qualified counselor or experienced therapist, probably a human.

H.I.S. Sportswear - I have solved the corduroy problem.

Get ready for summer college season, chaps! That means "buy corduroy everything!". And don't forget to wear all your corduroy at once. If you adopt this plan, your college will become safer, because no one can sneak up on anyone, and the non-corduroy wearer can easily outrun the be-corduroyed assailant, because the friction from running will cause him to burst into flames.

CHeck out these dapper fellows, with their tiny, tiny heads and enormous corduroy jackets. You can tell their studies are going well, because a care-free and independent (she's driving a car in 1957!) co-ed has just pulled over to allow herself to be hit upon. Too late, Judy! These lucky lads are all going to the corduroy convention with each other!

But enough about them. Citizens, when planning your summer corduroy wardrobe, consider the volume of your clothes. No, not the spatial volume. I'm talking about the acoustic volume of your clothes. The average pair of corduroy trousers, when worn by a gent in a real hurry, produces a rhythmic thrum of 95 decibels. That's like twelve thousand zippers going off all at once. That's bad for your hearing, and terrible for social interaction. Good luck with your reclaimed virginity!

But now, the Phil Are GO! Scientific Breakthroughs and Fashion Assault Squad has solved the corduroy problem. Maybe you were about to simply cut off one of your legs to silence your trousers because you're tired of being permanently deafened? Stop! Don't maim your pants just for the sake of some peace and quiet! We are proud to announce the development of Phil are GO! HushiZontal (tm) Corduroy. Please be enlightened by this specially prepared InfoGraphiGram.

On the left is Fig. 1, representing conventional, deafening corduroy. Every step is an ear-bleeding torment. You have to shout just to hear yourself scream! On the right are Phil Are GO! HushiZontal(tm) Corduroy trousers. See? the HushiZontal(tm) corduroy ridges work with each other, instead of waging a noisy battle with your every step. Soon, no one will know you're sneaking up on them, presumably to do something nice. And, you'll stay cooler in all your summer corduroy separates, because of the decreased friction-related heat.

Phil Are GO! HushiZontal(tm) corduroy trousers will soon be available everywhere, and you'll be stupid if you don't buy every pair you can find.

You're welcome!

Disclaimer: Phil Are GO! HushiZontal(tm) corduroy trousers are silent in most conventional modes of personal locomotion. Phil Are GO! makes no claims of silence while marching, which requires excessively vertical leg actions. Phil Are GO! are not responsible for deafness, fires, injuries or other forms of death resulting from marching while wearing Phil Are GO! HushiZontal(tm) corduroy trousers.

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Gronk You Answer

Celebrity life coach and Associate Columnist, Gronk.

Management announcement: Due to overwhelming public demand, from the Vancouver area carpet and furnace services industry, it is the great pleasure of Phil Are GO! to announce Gronk You Answer. Gronk, life coach and celebrity advisor, will answer your questions here at Phil Are GO! whenever he has time. Please phrase all questions in the form of a question. Please send all questions to philarego@gmail.com with "Gronk You Answer" in the subject line, or something like it. Gronk will attempt to read all questions and attempt to answer them, if read. Questions from Vancouver regarding carpet will get especially prompt service.

[-Mgmt.]

Gronk get Fan! Fan get!

Reader not believe what Gronk have say! Gronk get fan! Gronk fan get! Maybe gronk have hoo-man pen-pal in "Van-coo-ver". Somebody like way Gronk make post in blogg. Very exciting!

Gronk like get fan mail from carpet-man in Van-coo-ver, but something weird about way him type. Carpet man hard understand. He need lots grammar.

You see. Gronk cut-and-paste letter from new friend who write comment on Gronk recent post make. See? Friend fan get!

Hello sir, Are you ok? You have written a unique content.
This is another great article with very useful tips about. I am hoping to pick up more blogging work, too! I like to review my AAA Miracle Furnace and Carpet Cleaning Vancouver is the leader of customer service and leader of the cleaning industry for Vancouver, BC Metro. Our Expert carpet cleaning and furnace cleaning services are offered to residential and commercial. We set the standard in customer service. We are voted the highest of carpet cleaning Vancouver
Thanks for the great post.

Maybe soon Phil let Gronk make more "unique content" soon more. Gronk ask/menace Phil into say "yes" Maybe big thing in Gronk future? Whole world open up before Gronk eye. Gronk go places.

Armstrong Vinyl Floors - Gronk no get.

Today ad come to us from 1962, when hoo-mans all like color brown, and also hoo-mans like sitting on big chess pieces.

HAH! See picture? Chair look like big chess piece! Stupid hoo-mans! Or pepper mill! Gronk like funny wiggly shape on floor. Gronk think that if Gronk have wiggly stipe on floor in Gronk house, Gronk always walk along stripe, and regular floor never get worn out. Gronk probably need to replace stripe every year, or wind up with deep, wiggly stripe-shape trench in floor! Grah!

Now Gronk looking at stripe. Following stripe up to middle of picture- UH! Horse? How horse get in house? Why horse stabbed with soda straw? Why hoo-mans stab pretend horse with straw and put in house? How stabbed pretend horse help sell floor pieces? Too many questions. Gronk need sit down.


Hurm. Gronk think maybe nice idea have pretend horse in house. If Gronk had pretend horse in house, Gronk like ride pretend horse, like real horse. Help relax after day "at office". Gronk play movie in head, of what happen if Gronk ride pretend stabbed horse. Gronk feel sad, need relax. Gronk get on horse. Big soda straw make crunching sound. Horse fall down, break. Then Gronk sad again.  This mostly how every real horse ride go for Gronk, too, now Gronk think about it. Gronk never win.

Hoo-mans click for big.

k

American Standard - My Bathroom is a Private Kind of Place.

Today's ad comes to us from the bygone yestertime of 1949, when everything was all Art Deco and dramatically lit. Even the toilet ads got the Bogart treatment, what with the harsh side lighting. See?

Either this was part of the Deco fashion of the time or the photographer opened the door on a darkened room and caught a secretive toilet craftsman potterying up his latest masterpiece. Such drama. It's a toilet, guys. DOn't take it to seriously.

Of course, when you're a toilet company, there's a really strong impetus to be dead serious about toilets. And, when you're surrounded by coworkers whose livelihoods all depend on making toilets (and other plumbing stuff), the corporate culture gets quite profound.

Case in point: Any big company tends to have a big annual conference or sales meeting of some kind. It's the one opportunity for the executives to pretend they're rock stars. You know... they rent a hall in a hotel, build a stage with colored lights and projection screens and loud music and they get to pump their fists before a "mandatory attendance" crowd. At one of my many old jobs, I worked at a video post house / sweatshop where we shot and edited footage of these events. Or, sometimes we prepared segments to be projected on the huge screens during these meetings. It's kind of a tradition to take yourself very seriously, even if you make concrete or spray nozzles or toilets.

Well, back in The Fifties and such, before there was cheap and easy video footage, they used to do corporate live theater at sales meetings. This meant someone had to write musicals for corporate sales meetings. I guess this was where you start if you want to write for broadway. They had orchestras, costumes, sets, and everything. Somehow, they did all of this with a straight face.

Please behold this musical from a Chevy sales convention. Wowzers.

It gets better. Here's a song from an American Standard sales convention from 1960-something: "My Bathroom is a Private Kind of Place". In it, the woman waxes rhapsodic about her bathroom, and how it's the only place she feels truly free, I promise you I am not making this up. This was real. Listen for the key change at 1:24 when the song  really gets fervent.

Go, dear readers. Go and be free in your bathroom. Just don't make me listen while you free up.

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P.S. Here's a great film about refrigerators that must have had them tearing up in the audience. "A spine-tingling new concept".

Newly Invented, for your Ensciencization.

Time to get scienced up, citizens! Absorb the following informations from the ragged, pointy edge of science's front part. Enscience yourself, now!

New camouflage for nature photographers allows shutterbug to remain completely concealed in bushes while mannequin wearing tarpaulin and ridiculous helmet lamp draws attention of all nearby wildlife.

Nose flute finally allows creative expression of sinus cavities. Requires special drainage jar to protect floor from "accompanying runoff". Scheduled for highly anticipated summer public concert debut, pending passage of flu season and public outrage.

"Lady Dremel" cosmetic moto-tool grinds away ugly from face. Starter kit reduces Sarah Jessica Parker degrees of ugliness by up to three Sandra Bernhards, while silicon-carbide accessory kit allows removal of Tori Spelling levels of ugly.