Whiskey kid.

Joke #1 - The kernel of genius was there, and soon Shirley would reignite the candle of fame. It was still early days yet, eventually she would hit upon the idea of getting drunk on rye and then slipping on just the skin of  a banana. Then, the world would never be the same.

Joke #2 -  "Well, you're in luck, because this is my last bottle of rye. That's six dollars, and remember: we got this prohibition on, so if anyone asks which four-year-old girl sold you this, you tell them to amscray, got it?"

Joke #3 - Some said that it was inappropriate for a four year old girl to take on such a responsibility, but those people just didn't know the depths of one child's love for her alcoholic gorilla.

Joke #4 - In the darkest days of the depression, many Americans looked to the hilarious antics of "Betsy, the Drunken Hobo Girl", to distract them from the fact that they were drunken hobos.

Joke #5 - Even during prohibition, truly determined children found safe places to play the beloved playground game of "hop-scotch".

Jeremy decided to stop by and show us how it's done. I am not worthy. Thanks for the schooling, J! - Joke #6 - No matter how carefully worked out the disguise, Al Capone could never stay underground for long.

Jeremy could not stop if he wanted to. Name-dropping such exotic boozes! So continental! Joke #7 - As she strode past the disbelieving store clerk, Lil' Theda prayed that the obvious fifth of Old Overholt would distract him from the 3 pint bottles of Jaeger she was smuggling in her diaper.

Andrew H send a little ray of happy sunshine with joke #8. Thanks, Andrew! - This was little orphan Brenda's last chance. Hopefully the scotch would end the beatings or at least Mr. Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks would at last see that she was the more responsible one. As long as nothing got in her way, maybe, just maybe, that sun WOULD come out tomorrow!  The sun didn't come out tomorrow.

Beautiful bastard [lrf] Gets a big tip of the hat and a "Damn you. I wish I'd written that joke!" award for Joke #9 - None of the Marx Brothers were particularly good parents, but Harpo Jr. clearly had it the worst.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

Click for 1600 px.


Fleischmann's Yeast - Kids are bastards.

"Hey there, Pimply Face!" Shouts a gang of schoolmates, led by Mickey Rooney. It's just one chapter in the age-old heritage of Taunting Poetry, wielded by history's greatest engine of incisive wordplay, asshole schoolkids in the cartoon world of advertising.

In the season 5 episode of The Simpsons, "The Last Temptation of Homer", for one reason and another, Bart has to get orthopedic shoes and huge glasses. Sherri and Terri shout "Nice glasses, four-eyes!" Not to be outdone, Nelson Muntz adds "Yeah! Nice shoes... uuh... two-feet." Even Nelson is cleverer than The Mickster and his little gang of lads, who only have enough skill points allocated to their "poetry and brinksmanship" ability category to come up with "Hey there, Pimply face!" This is well for Pimply Face, since, as any kid will tell you, being cleverly mocked stings far worse than the ridicule of a mediocre mind.

Only a few minutes after the confrontation do you think of a real good zinger. Isn't it always thta way? "Never saw so many pimples on one 'map'." Oooo, if only he had thought to hit old Map face with that one a few minutes ago! Next time for sure!

How things change! Only a couple of weeks eating yeast pucks, and Tom's map pimples have cleared up to the point that Mickey now wants to have sex with him! Good for them!
It's a well-known fact that Advertising is not above using paranoia and shame to sell products in the same way that the sea is not above the clouds, as Douglas Adams would put it. Far from it. Making you scared of other people is a well-worn arrow in the quiver of marketing's geniuses, and acne is a pretty good fear button to push with that ever-pointy arrow.

But "yeast cakes"? Double-you tee eff are yeast cakes? Well, most references to the idea of eating yeast to fight acne date back to 1920 or so. Apparently, brewer's yeast had some antibacterial properties, and if you ate a "cake" of the stuff with every meal, people thought it would help. This Fleischmann's ad is careful not to offer any real science, only mentioning "waste poisons" in the blood. Brewer's yeast is said to smell really bad, and taste even worse, so this may have something to do with it falling out of favor in the acne battle.

But enough of that. Check out Mickey Rooney and his gang of sociopaths! Yes, every human springs into the world a mean little jerk, and only through decades of careful guidance may they be cajoled out of a life of total bastardness. School kids are bastards, and school kids in the stereotype-heavy land of advertising are evil bastards. Let's put this little troop of evil bastards to good use! get your rude finger ready to right click these little bastards onto your hard drive's digital reform school in three, two, one, RIGHTCLICKNOW!

You can print them out and use them to decorate your kids' school pictures, or to highlight that one special item on the grocery list! Anything that needs mocking, these evil bastards are ready to do your dirty work for you. You're welcome!


Lucky Strike - A random string of gibberish means fine tobacco!

Poor cigarette advertisers. They have a tough job: Try to sell a product with no practical purpose, and one that which, when used properly, will ruin your health. So that leaves them with no option but to appeal to your irrational child-brain, and every kid loves rhymes, right?

In 1950, people had more time on their hands. This ad was on the back of LIFE magazine. So, it probably spent some of its time lying on coffee tables with this ad facing up. So, presumably,  people could be expected to spend six minutes mentally sorting out the jumble of images and disconnected thoughts that make up this ad. It's mostly random people spewing cigarette-themed nursery rhymes should do the job. And, don't forget to make them look so happy they're almost scary.

 Lucky Strike seems to understand the appeal of super simple rhymes, hoping they'll get stuck in your head. So, why then did they settle on "L.S./M.F.T." as their signature slogan? It's even got a slash in it, making it as catchy as the average internet URL. In their ads, the voice over guy chants it like he's trying to teach it to you. That's because he's trying to teach it to you. It's that catchy!

So what's with that sloppy little painting of a rabbit? Maybe back in '50 he must have been some kind of mascot that was so recognizable he needed no introduction?

Best of all is this startling postman. It's left to him to somehow weave the company's cumbersome slogan into a rhyme of some sort. He's up to the task, though, because he's hopped up on goofballs... and Luckies. He's got the energy to do is rounds, and still have enough juice left over to spend a few hours looking in your windows.

Imagine opening your mail slot to find these eyes staring back at you (see below). L.S./M.F.T. means "Stab You in the Eye With a Fucking Corkscrew."

This postman's got more work to do. He deserves a space in your hard drive's Nightmare Clip Art collection. Here he is with his mail pack filled in, after being cut off by the edge of the magazine cover. He can point and leer at just about anything you want now. Right click him into a nice dark folder where you can keep an eye on him, or just torture him like he deserves, with all the tools MS Paint has to offer. You're welcome!

Click for big.


Cadillac 1964 - More trunk for your junk.

In 1964, Cadillac was still The Shit in luxury cars. The Europeans had yet to put a dent in the American luxo-barge market, and so Cadillac could still talk all big, and look down their noses at everyone who wasn't Cadillac.

"...wherever people of consequence gather, the Cadillac car is a predominate part of the scene." "People of consequence"! Oh, I say. We are grand, aren't we? Oew oew. No more buttered scones for me, mater - I'm off to play the grahnd piahnew.

Personal taste: Visually, Cadillacs have always have had a look that was more like a building than a car. All angles and corners. It looks like you're driving around in a bank, which, for "people of consequence" may we just the ticket. To me, they don't look fast or especially agile. In case you haven't driven a savings and loan recently, they tend to accelerate and change direction on a geologic time scale. This, in my estimation, is a poor sort of look to emulate in the design of your car. If you want a bourgemobile that looks like it could go round a corner without scratching up the door panels, look to Aston Martin, or Jaguar, or The Germans. They had this figured out in The Fifties.

Today, Cadillac is faced with the imminent mortality of their core customer base, and so have to try to appeal to people under sixty years of age. Trouble is, youngsters like us, with only most of our hair gone gray, like a bit of performance. Current Cadillacs can be quick and agile to be sure, but their family design language still tends to the architectural, and to my eye, this looks clunky and awkward on a performance car.

But to us Americans, more is more, apparently. As long as it's big, it doesn't matter that it has an interior that is still the laughingstock of the international car community, or that it's less aerodynamic than the garage you keep it in.

The '64 in today's ad could use some help. What's faster than a sedan? A coupe! What's faster than two wheel drive? Two more wheel drive! You can use more trunk space to carry your bags and bags of jewels and other riches, tastefully arranges in pirate chests. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE! PKSHOW! Team, you know what to do. Add and axle, lose some seats, and keep the wheelbase the same. Hop to it!

Yeesssss. Just the ticket! With a trunk like that, you could carry the corpses of those three greenskeepers you ran over in your golf cart, last weekend at the club. Accidental manslaughter charges are for people of "less consequence" than you. Somebody at the dinner gala will know how to make this little inconvenience go away with minimal fuss. Better park the car yourself, just to be safe. "Wave at the doorman as we glide by on our way to the parking lot, honey."

Here's the darling dualie as a PNG on alpha channel background. Right click it onto your hard drive's multicar pileup with your rude little finger. You're welcome!

Click for big, Thurston.

Click for big, Lovey.


Nature Adventures, November, 1958


The Domestic Fire.

Joke #1 - Realizing their house was on fire, Julia did what any parent would do and hid behind her son.

Joke #2 - When faced with an uncontrollable house fire, try to stay out of the effected room until the fire department extinguishes it, or at least until they have it under control.

Joke #3 - "Danny! I asked you to put your fire away before we left!"

Joke #4 - Tonight was going to be worse than Julia feared. The fire was home early from its business meeting, which was never a good sign... and it had been drinking.

Joke #5 - "Danny! I asked you to put out your room before we left! You're grounded, mister! Go straight to your room this instant! Yes! Your room!"

Joke #6 - This was why Julia disliked staying at unfamiliar hotels. Did the concierge say to continue past the raging fire, or to make a left?

Joke #7 - This was just terrific. Julia had just come home form Macy's with three new designer extinguishers. If only she had returned a few minutes earlier.

Joke #8 - Sure, it was great being Mrs. Mister Green Christmas, and Mrs. Mister One Hundred and One, but some days Julia really regretted marrying The Heat Miser. Then there were the family get-togethers.

Joke #9 - So, it turned out that building a Lamborghini powered by inexpensive "hoverboards" was a poor idea.... not to mention storing it in the kitchen.

Joke #10 - "Smaug honey, is that you? Uuh, you're home early. I was going to make dwarf tonight..."

Joke #11 - Flames and smoke poured from the kitchen. Julia cupped her son's bosom in terror.

Joke #12 - Awww, so sweet. Not only had the fire taken the afternoon off to come home early, it was also making dinner. Did she smell salmon?

Mr. FancyTolkienPants_2's love of the halflings' leaf has clouded his mind. Thanks for Joke #13, MFTP2! - Just then, Julia thought to herself that letting Danny play with his new friend the "Balrog of Morgoth" may not have been such a good idea...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


Little Ads - Products you can't live without. ...So, why are you living?

For Sample Film and "Special List" send only 10¢ to... Waggly Eyebrows Studios, 1071 El Centro, Hollywood, 38, CAL.

Pakette Radio Co. may not have found their calling in "radio inventing", but they should be placed in charge of naming every product in the world. "Drivey-Movey", "Eato-Foodo", "Stabby-Sharp-Sharp", "Walkie-Footwarm", etc.

Heat can make your body pieces feel good. This is not interesting. The clip art, however, must be shared by all. Please enjoy. You're welcome!


TWA - Can't get over yourself.

If you've flown anywhere lately, you know perfectly well that we live in a Golden Age of air travel, where you are treated as an honored guest by every airline worker you meet, and never like a suspected antichrist or annoying child at every turn... never even a little bit. The happy airport associates beam when they see you, and maybe even give a little bow as your glowing procession wafts through the airport - that happy, modern shrine to unimpeachable service and basic human dignity. Modern air travel is a towering achievement - a graceful ballet of technology and a celebration of good will that will never become a soul-crushing humiliation in which you pay for the privilege of being insulted and abused by pre-verbal troglodytes. No, that can never ever happen.

Yes, this Age of Wonder that we live in surely must be a new thing, no? The early days of commercial air transit must have had a rough start, right? Never! Even in 1950, the very dawn of the Jet Age, America had perfected the Miracle of flight. The world knew, it too. As we can see in this ad, a hero's welcome awaits the Miracle of a visit by an American.

Yes, every silly little country, like "Europe" and "Overseas" languishes in misery, waiting for the miracle of An American to come and give their otherwise grim lives meaning.

Just look at that Overseas woman thanking God that an American has finally come to bring light to her tiny, backward village. Could she make it through another day of grinding misery without touching the hem of an American's robe?

But he's not wearing a robe! His raiment is of some kind of miraculous future-cloth, surely spun by the angels themselves! What other powers must this superbieng possess? What did she do to deserve this Miracle?

Don't try to explain to the villagers. They couldn't possibly understand...

Why aren't you booking your next TWA vacation right now? The airport is waiting to offer you many liquids in very large bottles to carry onto the plane. They are clamoring to offer you shoes... shoes! And they will never ask you to remove your clothing. Go to the airport and let them celebrate you. Go visit a country and be someone's miracle.

Click for miraculous resolution.


Sony Mindman

Click for big.


This is not a post - And yes, the Bowie.

Yeah yeah, everybody has their Bowie tribute. The best one I can think of is this terrific Bowie parody by Brett McKenzie and Jemaine Clement in their Flight of the Conchords TV show, from a few years back. It takes an extra level of genius to create really funny parody without being a dick to your subject. Nailed it, guys.

The setup is that Brett was having some insecurity about his body image, and David Bowie came to him in several dreams to give him advice. Then they just did a song "Bowie's in Spa-aaaace".

Sorry the links forbid embedding. Please enjoy.

Dream Bowie giving Brett advice, played by Jemaine...

The song "Bowie"...

Johnny Carson Apparel - Heeeeeere's Johnny... ('s head)!!!

In 1971, Johnny Carson was His Majesty, the King of Late Night, a throne now warmed by the cheeky backside of James Kimmel (his mother and I still call him "James"), who's doing a yeoman's job of keeping the show funny. That being said, Jim- wups! James will know he's truly arrived when he has his own line of sportswear, like Johnny did in '71. Check out those pants.

Fair warning: You may want to be sipping your tea when you look down in a second.

*** Begin sipping tea now. ****

Okay, look down.

Sorry about the mess.

Save this picture for all your friends who are always complaining that there aren't enough full-length images available of Johnny not sitting behind his desk, let alone wearing ultra tight pants. The spank bank of your grandma is now refilled. You're welcome, 'gram.

"But," you may say, "there's something funny about this picture." You may also continue "I'm no member of the Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, but I believe I can detect some kind of photo-visual hanky-panky going on in this image."

Well spotted. Something's up with Johnny. His head looks... weird. It's a little too big and a little sharper or more ocntrasty than the rest of the image. This photo is kind of softly-focused, but his head looks a tiny bit sharper. Also, the tones in the photo are kind of grayish and "mid-rangey", but his head has some dark blacks that just don't appear the same as the rest o fthe picture. Let's go in for a closer look...

If Johnny's head had been swapped in for someone else's, we might expect to see some "faking in" of the louvered doors in the background around his head, possibly to cover up traces of the other model's head where it didn't match the shape of Johnny's. Considering that this was 1971, and all they had to work with were X-Acto knives and airbrushes, things like this should be easy to pick out. However, I don't see any funny business going on back there.

What we do see is johnny's head looking too big for his body. If his head were enlarged to neatly cover up the other model's head, without any messy painting in of extra background, this would make sense.

Hmm. Was Johnny's head simply strangely big for his body? We'll need to find a picture of his whole person. That will be tricky, considering he made his career sitting behind the interviewer's desk. P.A.G. research and Googling team, ASSEMBLE! PKSHOW!

Okay, heeeeeer'es Johnny standing up, in a photo from some time in The Sixties (He took over The Tonight Show in 1962, after Jack Parr stepped down.) We lined him up with his slightly older self in tight trousers a handful of years later. We then dragged out some guides (those cyan lines), matching up the top of his head and the heel of his right foot. Note how his chin on the left lines up with his bottom lip on the right. Unless Johnny's head enjoyed a growth spurt in The Sixties, someone's been messing with the photo.

Maybe those slacks-that-aren't-very-slack were a little too much for Johnny to try on? Just because it was called "Johnny Carson Apparel" doesn't mean it's "Johnny Carson's Apparel". Sorry, grandma.

Click for big.


DIY Decor 1973 - The fab floor.

Is your house an ugly dump? Sure! It's 1973! Who's isn't? Let's get busy de-uglifying and totally fabulizing your pad, man! Do you hip to what the jive is? Of course you all of those things! We had so many great ideas, we had to number them just to keep them in no particular order! Shew! Let's get to hammering!

What are using for a hamper right now? The floor, of course! Here's a way to actually have a hamper without feeling like you're submitting to The Man. Make yourself a groovy jeans pocket hamper and hang it on the door! It holds literally several things before it basically becomes a denim sphere, and that's when you know it's time to do some laundry... if that's your thing! What it is, my man!

Are you tired of being jealous of the Molen Rnomjs that live across the street? Sure! We all do! Those smug Dutch sophisticates! Well, here's their secret: that's just an ordinary front door with monograms and stuff cut out of plywood and glued on! This project is so simple you don't have to wait to come down before starting! And best of all, it's guaranteed not to bring down the property value of all the other houses on the street - ever!

This wallpaper backsplash will last for years and years. The heat and moisture of the stove top will just bounce right off of it and never, ever soften the wallpaper paste holding it up there. Good thing, too, because you'll never want to take it down! Neither will whoever buys your house after you die! This is one groovy idea that will be evergroovy.

Time is money, right? Sure! We all do! Show the world how money your time is by spending several hours of your time dolling up this five dollar lawn chair. Sew this lawn chair cover with directional arrows to help you make a perfect two-cheek landing, even after a few glasses of "zero"... whatever that is! Right on!

Do you have some creepy sort-of-French stuffed dolls that need punishing? Well, give them something to think about with this home made doll stockade. Just cut some perfectly good red acrylic and hinge it with 1" piano hinges on the back. After a few days stuck in this thing, those dolls will think twice, you bet! What did they do to deserve this? Just look at them. They know what they did! Thanks for ratting them out, lion... or maybe bear?

Does your couch just sit there, and never float out from underneath you when you're about to sit down? Enough of that! Hang your couch from the ceiling and start swinging! Live in an apartment? Well, don't let Old Man The Landlord tell you what you can't do to his or her building that isn't your property! You may need to go into the apartment upstairs to add some fender washers to the ends of the lag bolts that poke up through the floor, but you just know they'll understand the importance of swinging. By the way, a couch this wiggly may not be the best for saving sex on, but that's what the front yard is for! Sock it to me!